Identity Consumed

Spinnin' right round in star dust

2011-11-05T20:18:00.000-07:00

"This is only temporary and too shall pass"
but living the moment is can be an extraordinarily large pain in the ass.
You knew better, he wanted sustainability
turns out your REAL fears are required for vulnerability

I got you to sleep, I secured your home

I stood here with you, stood up off my thrown
If it's a fact that love can survive
Then know you're truth first
you need to decide.

What are your wants. What are your needs? What is essential? Where are you going?

Aggression can do many things

but it's never built a single thing
Wisdom, and planning, and understanding
are what you need for sustainability.

In the morning, we'll cry. You'll ask again, "Why?"
and I'll repeat your alibi.
Remind you e did what we had to
ask you, again, what it means to be true.
consider conducting our night through
and digest every minute.
Don't let the sorrow take you over,
in love you get hurt.
Gentlemen, usually do.

You make me wanna get love drunk on lust
retrain my heart how to trust
ya keep me spinnin right round in star dust

But the Mirror Says "No" to Me

2011-11-05T20:01:00.000-07:00

A busted door, a blurred vision

and so begins my blurry mission

though you wished for it all

you found yourself in free-fall
a burdened beast in your own time.

I do my damndest to keep free of your bond
But you involved my loves
and rushed your flood of tears into my pond
In here fish swim differently
we know what we see
and trouble around us becomes the "T"

But paths still taken, though heartless can rule
Your world is ill-grounded the paths can still move
waiting for your response
it banks on whether you're drunk, your needs, your wants

So a fire got started and flames were thrown
the brighter they burn the more that you've shown
machines can only preserve the past
they cannot make the future last

Stevie wrote the words to our movie
we played the parts she wasn't afraid to create
A Gold Dust Woman, and a Gypsy.
Who's right or wrong?
It's Rhiannon we all wish to be
But the Mirror Says "No" to Me.

I Go Back

2011-09-19T00:47:00.000-07:00

The truest lines
I've ever written
Have come to me
From those I've bitten
Moments in time
Captured in memory
An arrow shot just so
It breaks through my armory

The best you can do
Is try to find harmony
In days that seem filled
With endless monotony
Long ago I promised
To tell the truth
To lie would be unkind
To lie would be uncouth
But the truth has a way
Of reminding me
It's never that easy
To find harmony

So I go back: To the white of the paper
The black of my pen
I go back to times when I was fooled again
So I go back: To the blush of the morning
The thrill of the night
I go back to what I feel is right

The best lie
I ever told
Was that it would be easy
Just to grow old

Age has a way
of reminding you
pain can be tragic
But you've got to stay true
In another time
I was a travelling bard
But time has had it's say
and I became hard

So I go back: To the white of the paper
The black of my pen
I go back to times when I was fooled again
So I go back: To the blush of the morning
The thrill of the night
I go back to what I feel is right

Throw your papers on the fire
Watch the smoke dance on the wind
Tell me baby, can I go back again
Listen to the prophets and the lies they tell
Find solace in a stranger who releases you from your own hell

So I go back: To the white of the paper
The black of my pen
I go back to times when I was fooled again
So I go back: To the blush of the morning
The thrill of the night
I go back to try to figure out how to make it right

Not a prayer in the world could save us

What's inside Us (A really old song)

2011-09-06T14:47:00.000-07:00

Go out and play after every storm
you wanna stay inside where it's nice and warm

but that's where the thunder rolled
that's where the lightning struck
You gotta get on up and dance or you gonna be

really fucked

Every day there's pain and trauma
it's how you move that keeps your life warmer
I won't lie it can't be easy to move on
after all you've been through
after all you've chewed on

But to dance in the flames is a gift from the Gods
of love and lust and what's inside of us.

I'mma sing it to em now
I can love a man so deeply
I can be sharp and true
I can make him weep when I say that
"Baby, you my only boo"
I can make ya fall so hard
ain't no one gonna love ya like I do

But when he hurts me badly
In part because I love him madly
Tears streamin' down my face
Guess I lost this chase

But it's a gift from the Gods to dance in the flames
of Love and Lust and what's inside us

For those who choose to exploit our sexuality, rather than celebrate our Divinity!

2011-08-31T15:57:00.000-07:00

(Note: I wrote this after reading, on the Face, that one of the best entertainers I've ever seen got shade while buying nails at Walgreen's Pharmacy. I aint-a-havin' that! This one's for you, Sasha Belle!)

See a boy buying nails at the CVS

Wanna step to him like...
Like this whole day ain't been a test
I see your eyes are low
and your muggs are mean,
but don't treat that man
like he ain't a QUEEN!

He gets on the stage most ev'ry night
with 3-hours-a work
painted on his face, right!
Straps up them heels
laces up her bright gown.
Goes out to entertain his whole damn town!
With a message of love, and understanding, and truth:
hair so high she'll raise that roof!
She swallows the fear
and straps-on his pride
like without him the whole world wouldda died.

Now here's the T
I'm only startin' to spit mean:
Only reason that you laughin
'cuz your eyes be green.
Takes ten times the guts you got on your hand
to stand before a crowd and lead this land.
If you had the balls to do what she do,
if you had the talent to do what she do:
Then you'd be on stage, not slingin' discounts, Boo!

You Betta Werq! (To all the boys in High Heels)

2011-08-15T22:08:00.000-07:00

If you wanna take the crown
you better do as I say
and get up! Off the ground.
If you wanna be free,
just listen to me,
and be brave when you're pushed around!
You gotta stand your ground
when they're in your face!
Find your fierce, and put 'em in their place!
Nobody said it's easy on your own!
A Queen's gotta work hard to sit on that thrown.
Nobody messes with a man in black,

but it takes a boy in a dress to launch a MASSIVE ATTACK!

It's heels and hair,

and glitter everywhere!
Throwin' shade, and chasin' trade.
Hands up!"
Ass Down!
With her feet on the ground.
She's got the leather and lace to run this town!
He'll give you fierce, fine, face,
and a body that's Ace!
The Gurls wanna be her
the boys want her number.
She's learned her lessons from here to there
and the haters they love her 'cuz she's everywhere!

They say, "The bigger the hair, the closer to God!"
But this bad bitch puts the devil out of a job!
And if you question the look

it's not found in a book!
Just say "Yes Ma'am!"
and she'll bring you the hook!

Where I'm at right now

2011-08-04T05:42:00.000-07:00

It's time for another post that nobody will read/comment on. :)

A week ago I went through my second spinal surgery, removing half of my L4 disc. A week post-op I'm still going through incredible pain with every movement. Time will tell if surgery was successful, and I'm really hoping that it will be. I've moved back in with my parents which has been it's own adventure. This was caused by unemployment caused by the back pain caused by employment. Going through this for the second time, I'm wondering if I'm not witnessing a vicious circle of events that will haunt me until I change a piece of that circle. I worry about changing those pieces though, because Nursing is all I've ever known.

Nursing fits my personality and my skills-set very well. I get to be reminded every day that I'm needed, I get to fix people, I get to feel accomplished at the end of the day. I don't know that I'm ready to give that up. I may change the way in which I'm working, but I don't think the crux of my employment will change anytime soon.

In the past year I've moved quite a few times, which has made me feel as though my life was in constant transition. I moved to Lisbon, then Iowa City, 3 apartments within Iowa City, and then back home, right where I started from. This has taught me the importance of planning and consideration in my next move. Whats important now is to get healed, get back to work, then get back into my own living space. From there I can start to rebuild my life again, but build it differently this time.

It's not important to reach every goal you set for yourself completely. Perfection doesn't exist in this universe. What is important is that you give an earnest effort, and do your damndest. Right now my goal is to get through each day. Building blocks.

I would like to move to Minneapolis and seek a job outside of healthcare within the next year. Small town livin' just isn't for me, and doesn't assist the life that I see for myself. It is necessary right now that I set the life that I see for myself on the back burner, and concentrate instead on getting a steady footing. You can't have the life you want, without first having a life to live. This is hard to accept, because I'm once again in a place where I don't really have any solid-go-to-friends. Of course there are people who I find wonderful, but it's not the same as having your besties around you. Johnnie and Ryan kept me sane in Iowa City, and kept my head from spinning around the cavalcade of characters that went in and out of my life. Here, I'm on my own.

Dear Natey: Ask Abby With A Queens Perspective!

2011-07-20T12:57:00.000-07:00

1. Dear Natey,
I love my boyfriend very much, but we have NOTHING in common. He loves showtunes, has horrible taste, and is very much a home-body. I’m a rocker, have a modern taste in everything, and love going out to have a good time. I don’t want to break it off with him, but neither of us will budge on these issues, and we’re fighting a lot. What can I do?

Signed, Modern Taste

Dear Modern,
Part of a healthy relationship is give-and-take between the two of you. If he's playing Broadway music at all hours, get headphones. Perhaps you could meet him half-way on going out. Plan a dinner party and invite your friends, that way he's happy being in, and you get to have a good time with your people. I also suggest setting aside one night a week as "date night." Just the two of you, to keep that flame of love burning. There's nothing better than a romantic, special evening with just the two of you. As far as style goes, that's a very personal subjective thing. If the issue is home decor, go shopping together and find things you both appreciate. If the issue is clothing, you should be doing your best to get him out of them as often as possible.

1. Dear Natey,
My girlfriend is addicted to her smart phone. She’s constantly texting, facebooking, twittering, checking in on 4square, and it’s driving me nuts. We can’t even have a dinner together without her being on her phone for 90% of it. We even get yelled at when we go to movies. Whenever I bring it up she gets very defensive and pouts for hours, of course talking about it on twitter.

Help!, Textually Exasperated

Dear Textually,

Smart phones are the new black. Everybody has one and once they get into them, there's no turning back. How are you bringing the issue up? If she gets defensive when you bring it to her attention, maybe it's time for a new approach. I suggest asking her in a calm collected manner, "Could you please put the phone down for a while? I miss our conversation." Throw something in there about why you fell for her in the first place, and give her hands something to do other than hold her Black Berry.

If You'd like to write in to "Dear Natey" send an email to Nathan.Note@gmail.com. All questions remain confidential.

splitting up my heart

2011-06-07T23:02:00.000-07:00

Writing on the back of a note you wrote me

months ago when we were still friends

I'm writing down the words to this song

it's short and sweet but the melody never ends

convince my thoughts not to roam

convince my body that you're home

convince my soul that you won't break it apart

'cuz you gotta convince me

I'm done splitting up my heart

Men have played me for fools

left me standing holding my book of rules

and whats harder is this box full of tools

none of them seem to work on me

guess I'm screwed

Convince my thoughts not to roam

convince my body that you're home

Convince my soul that you wont break it apart

'Cuz baby, I'm done splitting up my heart

Now you're sittin' in that bar

Staring into your drink

trying to remember who you are

Boy I've been there, and yes I know it's rough

But it's nights like these that make boys tough

Try not to worry 'bout your tomorrows

Tonight we're drinking away our sorrows

Convince my lips to meet yours

Convince my eyes to take a tour

of all the brilliance inside your face

Boy show me nobody could ever take your place

10 Things I learned in Iowa City

2011-06-04T15:18:00.000-07:00

Not suitable for view by those who pay for your education.

1. The Mexicans at Pancheros are TOTALLY making fun of you, therefore it is TOTALLY acceptable to be dissatisfied with the flatness of your made-to-order-burrito.

2. Everybody's on something. Whether it's blow or low blood glucose cuz you're a crazy-militant-New Pioneer Food Co.-Vegan, or "Omigod! I have four projects due in 12 hours and I spent the last 2.5 weeks drunker than a freshman on prom night. Due to this fact, it should just be assumed that everyone's on edge and ready to snap.

3. It's always time for a drink. I don't care if it's 10 AM or Bar close. It's always time for a drink.

4. If you flirt with the gay at Konnexions and tell him he's pretty, you can get a discount.

5. The best drag queens in Iowa are in Iowa City. There's one or two in other venues, but Iowa City has the densest population of "WOOOOOOOOOOORK"ing girls.

6. Really drunk girls at bro bars can't tell the difference between Queers and Breeders, even when you tell her that her l.e.i. low-rise button fly jeans really don't go with her pay-less b.o.g.o. strappy sandals.

7. Walking down South Johnson at 3:35 AM can be hazardous to your homo-health. Like the Asians, stupid heteros travel in packs and carry razor blades in their cheeks.

8. "I've got a meeting I'm late for." is an acceptable fuck you that will get you out of any conversation with people you really don't care to see. Like the guy you blew off on MH last night and then saw at Studs and wouldn't dance with....

9. Smart phones have been surgically implanted in everyone's hands. You didn't say it if you didn't tweet it, you're not friends unless you "like" my status on the face, you didn't go unless you checked in on 4square.

10. Your friends can get you through anything. Choose wisely, and once you do, you'll have family.

I don't miss you yet

2011-03-04T13:53:00.000-08:00

You had my heart in your hands

and taught me all of your tricks

I grew up cool, mean, and fast

watchin' you get your kicks

didn't take me long to see my trouble

If I stick with you better order a double

You taught me all that I know

Showed me some of what I needed

I got a lot that I wanted if I wasn't conceded

Now we should get over our fight

You've had too much whiskey tonight

So I don't miss you yet

I wish I had a story of regret

Or better yet,

If I could say "I'm sorry"

and mean even one word

you don't make me feel

like time with you is real

you've got mass appeal but one-on-one

you can't seem to get it done.

So I don't miss you yet.

Mind games

2011-02-05T12:00:00.001-08:00

He's dead to the world
throwing herself around
he needs those million boys
to hold him to the ground
nights like these are spent learning emotion
for that day you give your dethroned devotion
He's inhaled too much of your scent now
you're the one that's stuck on his mind.

Hell show you the world if you let him
he'll give you his heart if you show him the grind
you're miles apart and barely speaking
always just a step behind his changing mind

closer now he's got your heart
holding you down when he starts
pulling away and making up excuses
do you feel like your time is useless
I'm gonna need a new bottle and a pack-a-cigarettes
if I'm ever to define this changing mind

I get to thinking after we've been drinking
what is it about you that makes me stay
is it those soft lips in a french kiss
or the sounds you make when we play

Well I'm the life of the party
a little bit naughty
or a pretty young barbie who sings to you
but you've only known me when I've been lonely
so you don't believe that's true

Good night my dear I'll see you soon
thanks for your time and bottles wine
the way the sun holds your face
i could not erase
the memory of you from my mind.

Dear Mommy dearest

2011-01-20T16:40:00.001-08:00

please quit trying to repair this broken relationship between me and dad. It's not going to get better, and you have got to quit trying to be the buffer between us. I've watched him for 23 years, and he is not going to change. To improve this for myself, which is the only way to make it better, i have to change. He had drawn his line in the sand, and i'm standing on the other side of it. I know that irrespective of what i say, he's going to label it melo-dramatic and just another way that i'm trying to create problems. Reducing other peoples emotions is the only way he can process them. If he does not experience and feel something right at the same moment you do, it doesn't exist. He's really quite simple. (Yes i know that was a cunty comment intended to get his goat. Remember though, I know where he ties it up.)

I was not the perfect child in any way, I am at fault for many things in my years, and i attribute these now to learning and growing pains. Though i wasn't always the best child to rear, i did not deserve to be beaten daily. I didn't deserve to be verbally abused and emotionally torn apart from as far back as i can remember. I wasn't that bad, annoying and awkward, sure!

I don't remember not having adult thoughts. I don't remember not being terrified of when he would come home. I don't remember playing because i was busy trying to keep john and aaron from pissing him off. I remember the day he busted your lip open. I remember the day he threw john against the wall. I remember every criticism he ever threw at me and the rage and hate in his eyes when he said them. I remember the day he beat you and went off in handcuffs. And the day he came back to the house.

When he took my car from me at work and left this junker, he said, "this is the last thing i'm ever doing for you." "At some point you have to grow up and stop causing drama for everyone. We're tired of it, we're tired of you." I know he doesn't speak for anyone but himself, and only speaks through his perceived reality. But I'm done.

So much of who I am today, the good and the bad, was formed upon this traumatic child hood. I've come to learn that everyone hates their parents. Thats why we invented nursing homes. Nobody had it easy, and anyone who says they did is lying. That doesn't take away from personal experience, however, and mine's been real fun.

As I said, with his actions over the past 23 years he had drawn his line in the sand. I've just had it. I'm done dealing with it. I'm going to move on.

Best of Luck with That

2011-01-02T11:56:00.001-08:00

Men are monsters
Women are worse
boys have much to learn
like when to take their turn

it serves to teach my years
and expand my soul
though my words were varied
it's not our fault you decided to get married

So best of luck on the hill
keepin' up with the Jones'
I hope history doesn't repeat itself
cuz you'll be broken on that shelf.

I understand it's all you've wanted
and that you feel you've fought for it
But the future has the past in it's hand
I really hope you have a plan

We don't know whats gonna happen
We're not sure how this will play out
I am sure on my own
when this dust settles i won't be the one alone.

Gay Bar Etiquette

2010-12-27T18:42:00.000-08:00

Iffin it’s in a dress, and wearing enough face paint to recreate a van Gough, you can call it a she. Tip her well and compliment her on how she looks. Yes, we all know she’s lip syncing Britney Spears. You’re supposed to ignore that and be dazed and confused by the millions of sequins.

Iffin it’s wearin a shirt, tie, and a bowler hat, you can call it a He. Remember honey, it might look like a man, but you get down into those skivvies and you’re gonna find some silicone. Up top you’re prolly gonna find a tight ace wrap.

It helps to start drinking the moment you walk in the door. If you think this doesn’t make sense to you, and you feel uncomfortable, remember that it doesn’t makes sense to us either. That’s why we drink. The rest of us are a schwasted mess because we’ve learned this lesson already.

The lesbian at the bar with five drinks in her hand is buying for her underage friends. If you bump into her and spill something, you best be prepared to buy another round, or you’re gonna have very angry gaybies snapping at your heels, and thirsty young queers bite.

That old man sitting at the end of the bar wearing a coat and 300 dollar jeans chatting up the bar tender is the “bar Bitch” In his younger days he was hot and fucked many a boy, now he’s just irritable and bitchy. Stay away from him unless you wanna get told the twelve million things that are wrong with you.

If you tip the bartender well, you will get better service and better drinks. They’re only acting uninterested in you because they are. They probably have a headache and are NOT looking forward to cleaning up the bar after you have drug your happy ass home.

Do not worry about people of the same sex hitting on you. If you’re not interested, that’s fine. You can say no thank you and walk away. If you’re hung up and worried about people of the same sex hitting on you, get the fuck out of the bar and go drink with the red necks.

The kid with his shirt off and hands above his head swinging around the dance floor is on an entirely different planet. Try to avoid bumping into him, he’s prolly gonna fall over. If he dances with you, girate for a moment and move on, it’s in your best interest.

Now if you’re standing outside the bathroom and it’s been five minutes, bang three times real hard and say, “Cum already you trashy piece of shit.”
The lesbians will be divided up into Polo shirts and dresses, the gay boys into scarves and t-shirts. Now, they’ll mix if one is fucking the other, but rarely will they be fucking each other. Don’t try to wrap your mind around sex yet, it’s early.

If you go outside to smoke, you’re gonna see some shit. Be prepared. I can’t begin to embellish on what’s out there, but don’t make eye contact. If a 7 foot tall thing in a wig is screaming at someone, and their face happens to be REAL thick, it’s prolly a Cass, and that’s a whole load of crazy you don’t wanna get into.

At the end of the night, there will more than likely be a large man or woman yelling at you to get out of the bar. Understand that S/he wants to go home and is sick and tired of looking at your drunk ass. Bottoms up and out ya go. If you’re lucky you found something to keep ya warm that night. If not, you’re drunk and have more than likely ingested a few things that you’ll regret the next mornion.

LoveLust and Fairydust,
You're fairygodfather

My Wild Heart < 3

2010-12-17T17:07:00.000-08:00

In all my wisdom I could never see
the toll this life would take on me.
Force myself up and on with the day
I'm the one you want after your nightmare
but not the one you want for a good time.
I can turn all your music on
even make you feel alive.
You're long gone but you're always on my mind.
This world's got some pretty sick twists.
And there are times i wanna be done with it
but pain is the cost of love and I've paid retail price.
When it comes to men I've been pickin'
the ones who need some fixin'.
I need to put up a bigger fight
cuz if you're gonna be my religion,
then you gotta be a God, right?
If this world is a sea then I'm a bad swimmer.
I don't wanna be a shark, but I could be thinner.
We were floating around dancing to Mary
she said, "Love is real, but baby it's Cash N' Carry."
"Don't be afraid," you said, "Time doesn't exist here."
I said, "I"m sorry baby, but I'm in a different atmosphere."
See I lost me a while ago,baby and I was scared to start looking for me.
But, in a real dark place even the smallest light shines.
You might be scared of your life, but
I'm gonna get on with mine.
There's a spiritual pain in having to start every day
reminding myself of the chain:
We're all just links and we got to add on to be strong.
Because I know who I want to be and who I am.
I might not be him always
but I'm gonna worry bout right now.
Now I know that it's gonna be alright
this is a message to get me to keep on holding tight.
When the lights go down in the city
and the sun shines on the bay
It'll be a beautiful morning when I say
"Today I'm gonna do me.
No excuses, not a victim
and if they can't handle that then the fuck with them
Now I know there's a brighter day
Now i can see that I'm gonna be okay."

Carbon-Copy Katie.

2010-12-17T16:35:00.000-08:00

Church every Sunday
with your farm-hand husband
praying you wont end up like she did
miserable, like she is.
You don't wanna be
a carbon-copy Katie
a broken record baby
you could be happy maybe
if your dreams would just come true
you do your work
everyday swallow your emotions
and tuck them away
it's not easy to be your own girl
it could be worth a shot, go on
give it a whirl!
You don't wanna be a
carbon-copy Katie
you wanna see that wheel of Karma turn
it's not enough to stand against the wind.
Take the past and let it burn again
across the sea you run to a new town
maybe this place'll really fit
turns out your burning wasn't enough
the ashes lie where they sit
get up start another round
try to make sense of it.

S.O.I.

2010-12-04T18:19:00.000-08:00

In the beginning there was:

In the end there was:
Your state of inebriation
was way past my state of affection
my best loves are divas
so please don't think
i don't know about boys that need attention
We were way past funny
through with smart
getting right into sexy
like a work of devoted art
everything was beautiful
so i couldn't see
that you had broken down all my boundaries
I'm sorry for being so late
but how could i anticipate
your state of inebriation
so beyond my level of affection
I know all about the human body
but yours was one i wanted to explore
dig through the thick to see what makes you tick
and find out who you are
I've been down that road before
with somebody who loves his image more
than anything in this great wide world
and i know that that's not the way to get your wings unfurled
my heart stops
my mind starts
and my heart beats
you couldn't be the one
I'm meant to meet
i guess this is what
keepin' on means
cuz baby, maybe it's only a dream

You're not man enough for me

2010-11-05T21:38:00.000-07:00

You have a lotta need

To show me a lotta love

You wanna be brazen and bold

You wanna have all the love that you were told

In the fairy tales and the stories of old

There’s a sunrise after the dark night

And the guy always get’s the “girl”

You need to see however

That though what you want is nothing to be ashamed of

You aren’t man enough for me

Sure you look the part

But that’s only half the battle my young man

I know that you look around you

And see an abundance of relationships that you’re heart wants

But the heart doesn’t always sync with the head

And those stories about throwing caution to the wind

Were written by men who were too bashful to be brazen and bold

You’re not man enough for me

And if you’re not hearing me let me say it louder:

"I’m running through a fight

With bullets in the air

I’m dodging left and right

And your life isn’t my care

I’ve got a loaded gun pointed at you, see

And you’re the aim in my eye

If you’re dumb enough to follow me

You’re dumb enough to die"

11-2-10 Sitting next to Danny on the couch. Scribbled on sticky-notes

2010-11-02T00:49:00.000-07:00

At the end of the storm
there is a calm
these feelings will ebb
and there will be a sunrise
a cool breeze that smells of sweetly saturated rain
a damn world receives only that which it can hold

After the glitter fades
after the magic wears off
You'll see with wanton eyes
you'll see with a former view
though what you see is new
the world has dealt with it before
this hand has been played
this game has been won
before you ever stepped on the stage

Consider for a moment
the possibility that your key
does not open this door
and perhaps this door is closed
so that you could open others

It takes conviction and balls
to follow your own path
to be true to thine self
to step off what you've known
and into a bottomless infinity
these things we do we don't timidly
because without belief
our eyes close tiredly
so into a new world I step
on to a new path, yet again

"Everybody, they love a winner
so nobody loved me.
Lady Peaceful, Lady Happy that's what I long to be.
All the odds are, they're in my favor.
Something's bound to begin
It's gonna happen, happen some time.
Maybe this time I'll win!"

God is in the People

2010-10-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

I don’t believe in God as some being in the sky that listens to our prayers and answers them. I don’t think that God would have created this world and then told us through any language that some people are less than others because of how they were made, or what differences they were born with. I don’t think any human being has the mental capacity to understand the big hard questions, and come up with an answer for all to follow. I don’t think God is a tangible or visible thing. God is not in a church, or a masque, a temple, or a pyramid. God is a force, in people, that starts a heart on its lifetime of beating. God is the force inside of you that causes your cells to multiply, diversify, and specialize. God is feeling and emotion and understanding and compassion. God is not tangible or visual.

I spent a big portion of my life not believing in god. I refuted the existence of existential power mostly because I was angry. I spent my youth in the Roman Catholic faith, and watched TV as preacher after preacher would condemn my very being. I was an abomination, a disgrace, a child molester, a “Gay Agenda pusher,” a scorn on the face of the earth. Hearing this made me hate those preachers more than they hated me. Because I hated them, I hated the people who listened and believed in them. Because I hated so many people, I was full of rage, and because I was scared I had no outlet to release my rage upon.

Then, when I was 16, I started taking care of people. My patients couldn’t take care of themselves, and despite their personal beliefs, they needed me. I could write a novel about all my job as taught me, and how it’s not just a job, but the biggest thing I have learned is this: If you can see passed people’s outsides, passed their prejudices and misguided notions, you will see that we are all people who need one another from time to time.

That change in understanding is what I believe god is. The human ability to change and understand.

I have friends that have held me as I wept, for no other reason than they love me. That’s God.

This mornings Pathos

2010-10-03T06:27:00.000-07:00

Many people are fond of comparing the civil rights movement of the 1960s with the current battle Queer people face today to gain equality. There are a LOT of problems with and holes in this argument, chief among them that being a person who get’s defined as “homosexual” is not comparable to being a person born of color.
Recently the news has covered several tragedies of Queer youth; Children deciding that the future is not worth seeing because the present presents too heavy a burden to bear. I’ve heard a lot of people talk about the selfishness of suicide, and it’s repricutions to those tied to an individual who takes their life. I’ve also heard people talk about bullying being the main cause of such grief, and how we must end the torment and taunting that happens on our “play grounds.”
Now, I am terribly sorry that are souls in this world who feel tormented most by something as natural, beautiful, and powerful as their sexuality. I don’t think that bullying for bulling’s sake has a place in our interpersonal relations, and I hope that one day we’ll all hold hands and sing the praises of peace. That day isn’t today, however, and I live in a reality that reinforces my belief that it will take a lot of time, hard work, and perseverance to achieve even a smidgen of that utopian dream.
When I was in elementary and middle school I was made fun of not only because I was an effeminate male who didn’t conform to the standard society had put forth for me, but also because I was socially awkward and took a lot of tumbles in finding my way around the world. There’s no way in hell I’m going to recount these for your reading pleasure, but I will say that what I endured and learned at that time, though I didn’t know it then, helped shape the person I am today, and is responsible for some of the character attributes I am most proud of. I learned how to charm-and-disarm with humor and witty repartee and saved myself. Not everybody can do this, I know.
I don’t think you can stop teasing and social struggles youth’s culture. I do think we can recognize when teasing turns into bullying, and when someone is being harassed. It’s not difficult to train educators in our children’s schools to notice when a problem occurs. It’s not hard to have a good-old-fashioned gymnasium assembly where someone trying way too hard to be ‘cool’ talks to kids about harassment, and what to do if you feel threatened, and that there are people to talk to. These are easy things that would do so much to help prevent some of this tragedy.
What’s more difficult is changing the mind of the educator who sees no problem when a student is called a “Fag” on a daily basis. The educator who turns a blind eye to a student who is a little too reserved because they have 83 tests to grade and are out of red ink. What’s more difficult is making sure those 10 kids out of 500 that feel hated for something they didn’t choose, know that there is someone who understands and cares.
I have a simple message: “It gets better” is a load of bullshit thicker than Dena Cass’s eye shadow. It’s a message I want to believe, but I can’t. It doesn’t get better if you do nothing about it. The situation for Queer kids can’t/wont improve as long as every single message thrown at us on a daily basis revolves around a heterosexual norm. There’s this, the global problem, and a smaller more tangible local problem. You can get involved locally and impact global change. You can come out of the closet and be brave and strong. You can stand up for someone. You can stand up for yourself.

I'm the only one who'd walk across a fire for you!

2010-07-11T11:34:00.001-07:00

The hardest times come when I lose innocence; believing, perhaps innocently, that there was none left to lose.

Fragility is something you must grow out of. Like everything fragile, sometimes you break. There are gaps of putty holding you together. Not until you are fired in the kiln do you grow hard and learn how to hold water.

Love is not a patient, kind thing. Love is vigorous and ferocious. Love is visceral and cannot be forced. Love is the captivating emotion.

Anger is only useful if you are powerful enough to channel it. Anger can define your intentions. Anger will ache and masquerade as many things.

An infatuation can electrify you. Thousands of volts are screaming through you. Once grounded, letting go can be impossible.

To grow is to understand that nothing is perfect. Good, bad, ugly and unfathomable exist in all things.

Perspective requires growth. Perspective changes as we do, backing up from the image until we see new shapes. As those shapes change, so does our interpretation.

“No matter what bothers you now, in a year you will laugh at it” –Joan Rivers

2010-06-29T04:41:00.001-07:00

Unless you live it, you have no idea what it's like to be in your twenties, single, queer, and free. Many people can say you don't know what their life is like until you walk a mile in their shoes. I'm not talking about personal life experiences, and sappy emotional moments where music swells and you have your first heart break. I'm talking in the over-generalized sense of what I experience.

There's a collective conscientiousness among young gay men. Be thin, beautiful, tan and tight. Dance well, hold your liquor, never hesitate with a witty come-back, and above all else, make "it' about you. This has existed since time began; when the first neanderthal looked out over the rocky plain and saw a young man sunning himself on a boulder, He felt a quiver beneath his beaver pelt, and next thing you know the rocks are covered in cum.

Sex is everywhere in our culture. It drives our purchases, our likes and dislikes, and is the reason every gay man thinks he's fat. With us, sex is so in your face because for so long we are told what we desire is abnormal. Sleeping Beauty didn't wake up because some big burly butch Dyke kissed her and built her a deck. Though you knew they were fucking, Batman and Robin never kissed each other after they saved a life.

So our PRIDE parades have 95% naked men dancing in bubbles, and if you ever watched the L Word, you know that getting fingered at the Opera can create white the climax during the Aria.

On top of all this sexual aggression and pressure to fit into it, drugs are everywhere you look. Pot, cocaine, and crystal being the en vogue drugs of today. One can abstain from any or all of these and be fine, but there is something magical about a Rihanna Remix at 1:30 AM mixed with too much booze that tends to make one lose their inhibitions in a quick hurry. I've seen young kids be carried off of a dance floor covered in their own vomit, and no one misses a beat.

Danger is the third lady at this table. Danger and thrill are what make everything worth it. It's why you go home with the guy you just met at the bar 15 minutes ago. It's why you drink too much around sweaty people you don't know and dance so hard your legs hurt the next morning. It's walking down the street holding hands with your significant other. It's hanging a rainbow flag from your office balcony. It's getting a rainbow tattoo. Danger is the lube that makes everything slip into the place where it feels just right. Danger is the fear that you won't be able to pick up anybody at the bar, and that's why you work out ten times harder, and eat one less meal.

Sex, drugs, and danger, everything we hold dear. This is a slice of what it's like to be queer, young, and beautiful.

She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes

2010-06-18T21:42:00.000-07:00

A Dream

2010-06-18T03:16:00.000-07:00

my main goal is this whole non profit dorm deal: When you are cast out it's easy to feel like no one loves you. It's easy to let that pain turn into anger, let that anger boil over, consume you and lead you to make choices that aren't in your best interest. People need to know they are loved, and sometimes your parents aren't the best to raise you. sometimes it takes a village. I wanna see that village thrive, and beautiful people come out of it

I'm sick and tired of seeing HIV rates rise, Drug abuse rise, Physical abuse and suicide rise. I'm god damned tired of it.and i want to do something about it

For years it has been my dream to open a place where people who are cast out from their homes can find a new place to live. Find a place to grow up, a place to thrive and discover themselves.

Too many people in our community get pushed out of their families. When you lose the people who you thought loved you, it's easy to feel alone. When you feel alone it's easy to find comfort it all the wrong places. Often that lonely feeling breeds anger, which manifests into making decisions that aren't in your best interest. we've all been there, we've all done it.

I want there to be a place where kids can get through school, learn who they are, and become prepared young adults in the process.

It's just a dream

Push Play

2010-06-06T17:09:00.000-07:00

Hey, Hey! I saved the world today.

2010-06-05T23:46:00.000-07:00

I’ve been ready
For twenty two years
For you to come and confront these fears
Is this fate or am I dreaming
I shouldn’t be but it’s you I’m believing
My past lives don’t count tonight
Tomorrow we’ll regret what we did in the moonlight
Alright
I’m ready
Bring this on
I’m not stopping
Till the beat turns on

Death :)

2010-05-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

I can tell you there is a point where the soul leaves the body. There is a final breath, a long and drawn out exhale. Then there is stillness. A soul leaves the confines of flesh and there is a visible difference. No longer is there a life force, the remains are simply that. Many people believe it’s best to give a soul an exit: an open door or window. I believe this.

I can tell you that it’s not at all beautiful. The human body is an amazing thing. Whatever force is perpetualising that heart beat is surely not of this world. But when that force is removed, the body shows its many flaws. It’s probably because evolution is not concerned with death; the body is not capable of holding itself together. Due to evolutions disregard for it, I think it’s very important we respect the dead. Though it’s a vacant house, once those rooms were filled with laughter and pain, love and loss, and history matters.

I can tell you the living are much more difficult to handle than the dead. People will go through Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. This we know. What is unknown is how long it takes you to get from stage to stage. Or if you’ll be able to handle them at all. It’s been my experience that people have the most trouble with Anger and Depression/Bargaining. You can tell yourself that you’re fine as much as you want, but we are creatures of many lies. I think folk have problems accepting death in our culture because of how we view it, and how we process it. Death is removed from us entirely. Sometimes you see a body once or twice before a burial or cremation, but you don’t have to prepare it. When a family or loved ones prepared a body after death, there is a certain knowing that occurs, a certain closure.

I am a friend of death. I am familiar with her and I understand how she works. I have seen her take the breath of life. I have seen her end relationships, cause people, sometimes very good people, valuable people, to make impossible decisions. I have seen her cause unending pain. She’s given release, and given satisfaction. She’s given closure, and she’s given money.

Death has made me think a great deal about the concept of value and importance. Value means worth, or the ability to create a return on the investment of life. Importance is having the ability to gain value even if not valuable at the time. Not to separate people out, because on the whole I don’t like ranking systems. I’m being told by a boy that I need to give more examples and less philosophy, so I shall:

**kinda stole this from grey’s but that season finale was bad ass.

If there are two people with equal injuries, say Aortic tear with an unknown amount of internal bleeding in the thoracic cavity. One cardio-thoracic surgeon, both patients will not remain stable long enough for her to operate.
Patient A: female 32 orthopedic surgeons who has saved and changed many lives.
Patient B: Male 28, jealous ex who couldn’t let anyone have her if he couldn’t have her. He’s an angry Panda who usually spends his evenings playing video games and jacking off. Works at Jefferson’s, as a bus boy.

Who do you save? Well I guess I showed my bias.

Anyway. Value is a tumbler half full of gin. Importance is a tumbler sitting next to a bottle.
As I currently feel, all life is important. Some lives have more value than others.

Xoxo Natey

5-20

2010-05-21T23:52:00.000-07:00

I kinda want to stare at you all night
not in an awkward manner
but just so i can remember the curves of your face

Wasted, we talked about boys and the bars
kept asking, "you okay?" "you good"
"Yea, baby i'm good"

I let things slide with you that i don't with others
and that creates friction within my mind
but you are so god damned beautiful
though it's impossible that you'd be mine.
I mean really,
the odds of me winning this game are very slim to none.

I"ll try anything once is what i felt
and in to you i leapt
Le'ts hope to god i don't love you i thought
as on your chest i slept.

My Best Dress

2010-05-05T06:18:00.000-07:00

Boys break unevenly and Gurls revel in their charms

Smoke swirls ‘round this crowded bar while I’m dancing in your arms

We decided not long ago to make a go of it

I let down my battered walls and showed you all my bullshit

Now I fear I’ve not far to fall till I hit solid ground

When I do I’ll break so big the pieces wont be found

I’m the wearer of many masks I rarely show my face

You have dealt so many cards this hole has found it’s ace

Sometimes you’re scared to talk to me afraid I might lash out

But my truth is in my emotions, they’re what I’m all about

As we’re dancing cheek to cheek there’s something I must confess

I knew that I’d find you, when I put on my best dress

This town has taken it’s toll on us so many souls you can’t trust

I got tangled up too tight and choked off with lust

Many women have tried to take me many men have had their chance

You got all of me tonight with just one dance

Your body fits right into mine you kiss me ‘till I melt

Your heart pounds in time with mine your hand undoes my belt

In the morning I might regret you who knows what the sun will bring

But the moon’s up now so who gives a damn I’m taking off my things

All across this big blue rock people claim they are the best

I knew that I’d find you when I put on my best dress

Debut Haus

2010-04-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

My friend Allison and I decided to move in together a while ago. We both live in shit holes we call Gnome Homes. Every wall in my apt has 1969 wood paneling but one. This savior wall is covered in 1982 popular orange shag carpeting. Totally better than sheet rock. This wood paneling is 100% to blame for my current life problems. It's revolting, and I challenge the most well-adjusted queer to live a year in this place and not come out with a depressive disorder.

We looked at two places yesterday. A powder blue ranch that was atrosh and way too tiny, and then the Haus. It's huge. You walk up a classic porch off an angled exterior into the living room. Through the living room you enter a foyer. To your left is a family room, to your right the stairs leading to the second floor. The kitchen isn't enormous, but doesn't feel tight. The natural lighting in the house makes each room light up from the floor up. This reminds me of my parent's house. The bath is off of the kitchen, followed by a washroom and a the steps leading to the basement. The bath is average size and can accommodate two people comfortably. Washroom will fit a washer and dryer easily with room to spare. Basement isn't finished, but a typical Iowa basement. It'll do in a Twister.

Up the stairs to the 2nd floor, you see a small child-sized room painted blue. It will need to be repainted, but has plenty of light and will fit the munchkin well. Across the landing is the master bedroom. Large angular ceilings and windows on each wall. To the left and down a short hall is the secondary bedroom. A walk-closet, and not small. Do-able.

I'm not sure who's moving into the Master yet. It's affordable. I can have pets. I can smoke in the house, though I won't with the yungin 'round. 'Cuz I just cant.

My roomate is great. We share the same sense of humor, and over all view of the world. We have similar goals and similar interests. IE, We're good friends, and I'm uber excited.

I'm concerned about a friend of mine. He's been cruising the ManHunt lately trolling for 3-somes. He's using it as a sociological experiment, so far, but I fear he'll end up getting into "Mommy and Daughter" role play soon.

I really want a dog. I've lived without one for 5 years, and I miss it lots and lots. Logic isn't really applicable here.

I've got to clean and pack today. Let's see if that happens.

xoxo
Natey

Blue

2010-04-10T06:49:00.001-07:00

On Monday Alli and I are going to look at a 2-bedroom ranch. I'm hoping we fall in love with it at first sight, but I don't want to get my hopes up, as it's not often good to jump on your first prospect. This is something I had to learn the hard way. With living situations and people.
Alli's daughter will be living with us some of the time. It's been my long-standing opinion that children are awful. But this little girl is cute, polite, and brilliant. She looks like a Bodecelli angel, and she's in love with Lady GaGa. If I have to pick a kid to be okay with, I'm glad I got to pick this one.

Usually I don't warm up to people too easily. I'm generally a guarded and blunt person until you give me a reason to let you in, and even when that occurs, it takes me a bit. This is why I can count my friends on one hand. I don't mean to portray myself as mean spirited, I'm good at acting the part of a "nice" person, but that's what it is, an act. Born of my psyche and portrayed by my toothy smile.

I bring this up because recently I've been going through a lot of problems with people in my life. A very close friend and I haven't spoken in over two months. I'm not sure what started this silence, but it makes me very uncomfortable. I feel awkward trying to talk to her now, because I don't know that we can just pick up where we left off. Relationships, especially long-term relationships, go through ebbs and flows. It's natural and to be expected, that I knew, what I wasn't prepared for was how it makes me feel. I sort of feel like someone's died.

With that awkward situation comes another, but of my own doing. In the past 6 months, I have fallen crazy hard for two different people. Beyond my usual two-week-crush thing. I made a decision about two years ago, that when/if I feel this strongly for someone, it's better to be honest about it, at least with myself. However, I feel I've made a mistake. I took being honest too far, and admitted to both that I had strong feelings for them. I knew from the get that neither would reciprocate my feelings, but I confessed them anyway. Both, of course, were wonderful about it, and let me down easy, and we still talk all the time. But, I can't help feeling sad for myself.

It's crazy to think I'll never find love, I know this, but crazy is in my blood. It's so hard to shake feelings of inadequacy. I just keep repeating to myself "don't judge your insides by other people's outsides" Fucking bullshit is what that is...but bullshit is all I got.

I'm an overly sensitive boy
The day is just beginning
but for me, it's the end of the night.
Sweet dreams, and beautiful night mares

xoxo
natey

Smoothly Spoken

2010-03-30T16:26:00.000-07:00

Today was the first beautiful day of 2010. The sky wasn't clear, but the temp was immaculate. I slept until 4:30 because I work graveyard tonight. Cleaning, stocking, and following the beeps. Got laundry going and I've decided I need to do dishes. That's the first hurdle, admitting it. Alli and I have been seriously discussing moving in together. We've both got shitty living situations, and we both want a house. I especially want a dog. I haven't lived with one for four years and I'm really not liking it. I've decided that my best option at the moment is to return to school and pursue a nursing degree. Haven't told people yet. David Sedaris was right, I find it impossible to write without a cigarette. Times as they stand are considerably more difficult than they have been. I'm going through a lot of changes with my job, things I can't put on the internet, though I wish I could. When I move on, I'll post everything. Allegedly. My neighbors play music so loud that it vibrates my walls. Not good music. Mariachi shit that makes me fear I'll tympanically hemorrhage. This occurs around mid night. I've been the nice person a few times and asked them to turn it down when I have to work in the AM, but they continue to blast it. Upside? I'm learning Spanish.
My new favorite tune is Jason Mraz: Gypsy MC
Nick Simmons is gorgeous

Today was the type of day you spend walking outside with a 40.

xx
Natey

Gay Triage

2010-03-24T22:26:00.000-07:00

Patient 1: Patient is a white male 23 years of age. Patient arrived at 0115 to BAR. Presents with mystifying green eyes, solid sense of humor, bright smile that could land planes at O'Hare, and a wonderful ability to make everything better. Patient reports no pain, but loss is not so easily disguised. VS: within normal limits, however euphoria seems to take over cognition. Patient requires extensive baggage removal, two martinis, and unending support. Will continue to monitor.

Patient 2: Patient is a white male 20 years of age. Patient arrived at 2232 to BAR. Presents with multiple wounds the heart, ego, and self-esteem. Patient states, "I just never get what I want. Am I ugly? I'm too fat. It's alright, you don't have to agree with me, I know." 2250 Doctor Johnson called for psyche consult. Patient referred to Psychiatric Care.

Patient 3: 0335 Patient is a black female 24 years of age. Presents with severe abdominal discomfort accompanied by emesis and occasional vertigo. Orders for pushed fluids and and hair follicle restraint implemented. Patient Hx would suggest an extended period of drinking followed by periods of black-out. Patient has been ignored by family for 10 years, and has attempted to execute a series of short-lived relationships. Currently, she is living with a woman 23 years her senior in an attempt to feel love and adoration. 0950 Patient refused care and retreated to a gin joint in her leather jacket. Discharge papers signed, "Mommy issues."

Patient 4: 1545 Patient is a latino male 22 years of age. Presents with severe confusion and disorientation. Unable to obtain accurate VS due to heart beating out of chest. S/S of increased anxiety and irrational fear. Doctor Haden ordered 1 box trojan condoms, 10 count, and one bottle WET lube. Patient given medication per doctors order and discharged with instruction to, "Kick up your heels and fuck!"

xoxo
natey

Toaster Clarification

2010-03-22T18:41:00.000-07:00

Way back in the day, when you opened a new account at a bank, or an insurance company, you would receive a gift. Often this token of the capitalist systems gratitude was a toaster.

In the Community, often you will find people who have come out with the assistance of another. Usually either a fairy that wants to fuck you, or a seemingly well-adjusted lesbian. When these people assist others to better know a cock-or-vag, they gain what is called a "toaster"

Please consider the following scenario:

Lesbian A, lives down the hall in the dorm from Straight Girl B. (Feesh Lover)
Lesbian A introduces herself to Feesh Lover and they become the best of friends. Bonding over sad songs and similar collegiate problems.
Lesbian A comes out to Feesh Lover and they become even closer.
Lesbian A comes on to Feesh Lover at a drunken Saturday night house party.
Feesh lover wakes up the next morning and calls her best friend from high school who went to a Christian College.
Feesh lover struggles over her sexuality for days, and doesn't speak to our beloved Lesbian A during this time.
Feesh Lover sends Lesbian A a very telling and emotional Facebook Message.
Lesbian A rushes to Feesh Lover's room in the middle of the night, they do things.
Feesh lover get's a tattoo and declares herself Lesbian B.

Lesbian A has gained a toaster.

Hopefully this clarifies things for you chillun who don't understand us "old broads"

xoxo
Nate

5 anonymous messages to people on line.

2010-03-15T03:16:00.000-07:00

So my friend spilled soda on my lap top keyboard. Getting a space is like watching a full episode of StarTrek, hard to do

1. I've crushed on you since I saw you my Freshman year at a house party in Ames. You were there with your harem of followers and your best friend. At first I thought you two were together, but then saw your friends boyfriend, and learned better. I still stalk you all the time. I still think you're beautiful.

2. You know me better than anyone else on this planet. We're going through some stuff in our relationship right now,but we'll get through it. It's not over, just a dry spell. Every couple experiences lesbian bed death once or twice. No worries beb.

3. I've listened to your music forever. I love the way you sing, the way you write,and the way you perform. I'm just captivated by your presence. And when I figured out Lindsay knew you, well then I had to hunt you down. Thankfully, I was, and continue to be impressed.

4. When I first met you, I thought you were very sweet and naive. I've learned that you are very sweet, but naive you aren't. You've gotten me into more shit than I care to relive and saved me when I needed it. I love you, very much.

5. What was three weeks to the rest of the world was a lifetime to us.

Schwasted

2010-02-06T21:28:00.000-08:00

Jack, Johnnie, Jimmy, and Jose all fucked us before we got to this party.

12.27.09, early

2009-12-27T02:45:00.000-08:00

I've demolished the idea of having a sleeping pattern. Some days I'm lucky to grab a few hours. Others, like today, I sleep 16 hours straight, without stirring once. Either I have a disorder, or I'm incredibly lazy. Naturally, I'd like to blame a disorder.

Schloemer xmas tomorrow in Geneva, starts at noon. As of now, It's still snowing, and the roads were quite slippery tonight when I came home. Hopefully I wont end up in a ditch with my family.

I've had my new laptop for three days and I have Ten days worth of music on it. I wasn't able to download my old iTunes purchases. Which irritates me, being as i bought them. Dear iTunes, you suck. Revise your policy.

I passed my Med Aide class. Need to complete a few more clinical hours and then I'll be done and certified. It remains a nice promotion.

The apartment is a horrendous mess. I'm going to force myself to clean here soon, probably. Maybe.

It's impossible for me to string together a coherent thought longer than two or three sentences, so I'll stop now. Folding laundry and working on kicking this cold's ass. Hopefully to Iowa City soon. Need a recharge.

Sex, Love, and Fucking

2009-12-26T01:20:00.000-08:00

Sex isn't just sweat and an exchange of fluids. Sex can mean so much more, or sensationally, so much less.

Sex can mean hello. Fiercely fast and unemotional. Dripping with curiosity and the fervor of discovery.
Sex can mean goodbye. One last shot at holding on to ten years of devotion. Silence breaking in where screams once stood. Ten thousand paper cuts bleeding out painfully.
Sex can mean I love you. A tooth paste kiss leading to me mounting you on the sink. Your head banging against the mirror, legs wrapped around Me. Hungrily clinging to one another in mad passion that only thought can describe. Your arms needing to hold Me, while my lips must melt into yours.
Sex can mean red hot critical mass. Up like a redwood lasting for hours. Coming once, twice, then three times until you collapse, thoroughly spent and tired. Falling asleep with him still inside you.
Sex can be inappropriate. Vigorous fear of being found out. Knowing what feels right is wrong. If only for the moment, letting yourself go with tactile abandon with the rush of hormonal adrenaline. Forgetting that you are fucking yourself rather than truck number ten thousand.
Sex can remind you that you're alive. When hands flush and tingle. Fingertips igniting sparks on skin that erupt into uncontrollable flames.a forest fire as hot as hell telling you that today is all there is. That this world is too much to worry about how you're surviving in it.
Sex can be a declaration. Announcing to yourself and the great wide universe that you'll do whatever the fuck you want, when you want to do it. Forget 'em if they can't handle our kind. Leaving the deniers behind to forge a brave new existence.
Sex can be a dire contradiction. Grinding unabashedly on one thinking of another. The question of who you came across the one in your bed or the one in your head. Haunting you stiffly.

Life's problems, like good soup, always better the second day

2009-12-26T01:14:00.000-08:00

If you want him
Go and find him
Tell him he's your only need
Be the boy he needs to play with
Be the man he longs to hold
If in your heart
You start to find
He is always on your mind
It won't be long 'till you feel
What the night has to reveal
Men will run from one to the next
Without crying, remorse,or regrets
We build up walls to guard our hearts
Telling ourselves, "you're being so smart"
But safe don't make for a very good scene
If the only one watching your ass
Is the mirror
Those border lines are getting much clearer
So you stray away
From your fake feeling path
Say you yourself there's no going back
You're on this track
There's a hard line
Between love and fucking
Trying to prove
What exactly is a mystery
Best left to the gods

"I'm dreaming
So come inside
Welcome to my
Filthy mind"

Beautiful Disaster

2009-12-26T01:06:00.000-08:00

I'm not pretty like your last boyfriend
And I'm not clever like the one before him
I've got my flaws you say you love them all
And when I can tell you're lying you smile like a creepy doll

Please don't be awkward when we break up
I'm sure the next boy will be a "great fuck"
We've cut each other so deep we'll bleed for the rest of our lives
The truths in the cards and we weren't meant to be wives

The next boy could be the diamond you need
Strong, unbending, easy to read
But what's the fun in knowing the future
When you break the skin you still need a suture

Our arrangement isn't for the faint of heart
Because sometimes when we sing you forget your part
I'll compensate, elaborate, and concentrate
I think I'd get the same rise if I masturbate

The good, the bad, and the gay

2009-04-06T12:48:00.001-07:00

Recently I've been trying to be more aware of my surroundings, where I am in life, and how I can get where I want to go without losing my mind. A lot of really shitty things have happened recently.
1. I herniated two fibrocartilage discs in my back lifting a resident off the floor at work. It really hurts, more so because the herniations are pushing on my sciatic nerve, which means that the entirety of my right leg is in agony a lot. My surgeon wants to do surgery (haha) but as I can't afford it at the moment, I'm stuck living with the pain. The 10 daily percocet that i've been taking to stifle the white hot anger in my body are starting to no longer have an affect. Which means not only is my back broken, but i'm developing a dependency on opiates. *start the ziggy marley song*

2. I'm starting to fall off the cliff again on my school work. I'm pretty caught up, and really am trying to force myself to do it, but it's so dilly-damn difficult. Problem is, I can't pinpoint why i have such a problem focusing and getting myself to do the work. I don't think i have any more ADD than the next boy, but it becoming an ever more present possibility.

3. Today the front bumper fell off my car, Wilma. Thankfully my little brother is much more mechanical than I am, and he was able to secure it back on with zip-ties. Love my brudder.

4. Somebody teach me how to save money. I don't have that many things, I don't spend it on prostitutes, but somehow it seems to disappear faster than America's Next Top Model.

5. My Cable got shut off today because I couldn't pay the bill, which means that I'll miss my shows for at least another week, probably more. What ever will i do without the Real Housewives of New York City?

I'm not bitching, as much as I'm trying to find perspective and be okay with my current situation. A good Lesbi-friend of mine once told me that "The Universe's objective is to keep you down and make you feel pain. Only by being one resiliant mother fucker can you get that bitch off your back."

There are still good things in my days for me to focus on. I just need to make it a point to focus on them.

1. I'm still employed.
2. I have very good people only a phone call away
3. I still get to be in the know regarding gayopolis.
4. Between a class and a Lab today I was rummaging through a box of old college things. I found a present that a great friend gave me a couple years back. It's a keep-sake box with pictures of a group of friends and myself all over it. I smiled for hours on that one.

Also, It's legal for the faeries and the butches to get married now. How wonderful!
I can only hope that it doesn't get stripped away from us. This is victim-ish speech, i know, but the truth of the matter is, it can so easily be turned upside down, that I fear it's going to take even more work than it took to get the case heard, to keep our rights.
And come on, Legalizing same-sex marriage is one of the brightest things that Iowa can do. Most people think that Iowa is a bunch of red-neck hillbillies driving 'round in their ford pick up trucks wrustlin' hogs and growin' corn. If there's an in-pour of Queer into this state, we could be put on the map. There's lots of land for beautiful houses, Huge potential for pottery barn, and Lord knows Iowans like to eat, restaurants!

I really do have to get back to work, lots of things due for the online classes.

In closing, Queers: Come to the corn state and get yurself hitched up right and proper
Universe: be nicer to me, i'm in a fragile state
I also need help with what to do with my hair.

The Pond

2009-02-18T06:46:00.000-08:00

Vulnerable and permeable
floating on a pond of loneliness
me and all the other undesired fools
we feel sorry for one another
but, we're never able to see each other
it's true and cruel, to never know the rules
be advised
I'm not trying to say
that I know anymore today
than you or her
that bused slut that you chose over me
so I'll just say what I need to say
starting now, i feel cold again
I'll start rebuilding these walls
and you won't feel the pain
like I do every day
it never goes away like a switch
you turn on and off i have two extremes:
Happy
In love
or sad
and floating on that pond
of loneliness and heart break
Where you cry yourself to sleep
I'm alone at night
I need to hear you breathe
just call me
So I can hear you breathe
give me one last night of sleep
remember when I'd be so damn dog tired you'd meet me at my door
Like no one before, I'd tell you today
our nights helped me get through the day
That's what I'll miss the most
no one knows I'm sleeping with your ghost

When the day comes
and the sun shines, too bright for my red eyes
i get up, and start up, move right through my day
for a moment, you stand in my way
But another man
with chocolate hands
folds me up, rolls me out.
For one night, I don't float on
that pond of lonely people
where I hide my pain
I'm relearning my worth, and I hope that you know:
that busted-ass ho of a piece of strange tranny-trick
you picked over me
is carrying baggage, stank, and STDs
bitch prob'ly has fleas in that cheap Wal*Mart Weave
not to mention the ghono-syphi-herpl-aids she got goin' on
I guarantee yo' ass she finna inflict change on ya
I bet she gon' fire on ev'ry detail
readin' yo fucked up ass from top to
motha' fuckin bottom!
You think she gon' feel it when you cry?
Think she finna' bring you a tissue?
No, No baby boy, she gon' take issue
when you come home high
lookin' to get 'tween her cottage cheese thighs
you ain't gettin' past the gate
and that's when you flip through the cell phone
and call up nate
Thinking Its gonna be on
well, honey, I'm floatin' on a sea of Lonely
and your black ass can't swim!

Sectioned understanding

2009-01-23T08:43:00.001-08:00

I used to smile
be full of life
laugh often and loud
i was surrounded by people
now I'm tethered to a dock
bobbing in the water
tied up by an unknown
that tastes terrible
like a deutsch children's show
written by a latina
my scenes are disjointed
and difficult to watch
i sweat for the oldies
i struggle through advancement
and battle my demons
things aren't so different now
i just used to smile

10 to 1 he wants to be your friend
and chances are he'll leave you in the end
when he does
I guess I'll be here
Because it doesn't appear I've anywhere to go
He looks at the world in a different way
and i bet you think you'll see better days
open up your eyes child
See whats in front of your face
If you want to surround yourself in glory
someones gotta train you for the race
Do you think he'll wonder where you are at night
and when your not home will he sleep at all
You know I fell hard
and I remember what you said
but I'm afraid I missed my chance
because of all the things I hadn't said
We would have been a great team
like none our time had seen
though with heart and fire and strength
A Capitan Planet of Power Couples.
I hope sludge gets dumped on your house

Bring me down to size
make me feel alive
argue with me till i admit it and see your point
you're adorable when fired up
it's the only reason i still piss with you
well that,
and I've been writing this set of letters
in linear form
but in no particular form at all
both because I'm lazy
plus, it allows me to use my voice
to let myself have bad days still
and not entirely fall apart
so here's to you
and your demanding that I own my shit
Here's to you and your damned attitudes
Nothing can just be
everything must be dissected, understood
too bad we can't all be like you
some of us must feel this world
in attempt to interpret it
non-scientific, I admit
but worth a fine argument.

Up up and away

2008-09-24T01:48:00.000-07:00

Cuz I toss, and I turn, and it doesn't feel right

2008-09-24T01:38:00.000-07:00

I'm removing myself from your situation
And standing my ground
It'll Be hard without the infatuation
When your skin tight jeans come around
You drive all the boys crazy
And all the men wild
But does your heart have what it needs
Or will you stay pretty and mild?
It's not about your character
As if to convince yourself
It's all about your situation
As if there wasn't another time
When you could have chosen the life that follows the line
But even that doesn't connect
Bringing up the past is supposed to hurt when it's broken
But there's no pain
Maybe this is what I'm supposed to know
That in order to help you
My light has to fade to a glow
In order to manipulate a situation in such a way that a person will not die
I
Have to step back, think only of them
Grow from a shining leo to a dim glow
And yes, it is a growth to downgrade
And that growth is something I struggle with every day of my life
But when it is required of me
It comes naturally, effortlessly.
It's the easiest time I don't focus on me
So in the natural order of things, I don't believe we fit
But the severity of this problem isn't nearly as concrete
I will never be able to run from you
Even though we don't fit, we're two corner pieces
And they'll always start with us
And we'll always act as if we didn't know
I'm done darling
I can't lie about it anymore.
So I'm admitting it to myself
And cutting off my corner.
Mwah!

let's pretend

2008-09-13T00:15:00.000-07:00

A teensy part of something i'm working on. eventually i'll put lots of life stages in it, i think. maybe.
love

"Let me pretend that you're my boyfriend
As long as you're in my bed, I can play with you in my head"
For as long as you're here
We've got more than one night, we've got forever.
This is our story

I'll ask you to move in with me on a Saturday night in august
I'll sing you a song about how much I love you and how much I want to share all of my life with you.
It will rhyme and describe you with affluent adjectives
You'll laugh, tell me how ridiculous I am, We'll fall to the ground kissing
You won't answer my question till the next morning
Because you had to think about it
You're damaged like that
I understand this, and you, being compelled by my overwhelming amount of understanding, will accept
Our first real fight will be over taking the dogs out
Your dog will constantly beat up my dog
Knowing it's not your fault, I'll bring it up anyway
I don't know why
:I'll leave angry
Clear my thoughts and come back
We'll say sorry
I'll cry and you'll tell me I'm the girl in the relationship
We wont have sex for…
Six hours

"Keep going," he said as he laid his hand on my chest
We'll have a wedding, swearing that it's not a wedding
Or a political statement
I'll dance with your mom
She'll threaten my life should I break your heart
And insist that she knows exactly how to dispose of my body
Then she'll have more Jose
Your sister will drink far too much
Forgetting her two screaming children and husband
While I hold her hair in the bathroom
She'll like me then

We're thinking of adopting someday
Probably a little Chinese girl
We'll name her after our mothers
A lesbian named SkyGrass or MoonTulip or something similar will be our surrogate
We'll move to a home with a front and back yard.
We'll fret over choosing an appropriate pre-school
We'll search out schools that claim to understand the 'body method'
We'll insist that our daughter is just as amazing in her own right as every child is
No less, no more
But then go on and on about her budding affinity for classical music

The first sleep over will be a nightmare
Her friends parents wont allow their daughter to spend the night in a gay men's house
She wont understand this
We wont know how to explain it
We'll call our parents to figure out how
And still won't be able to
We'll go on a Rosie Cruise from New York to Florida to show her how great gays are
A lesbian will inform us that she'll totally grow up to be a butch
We spend the rest of the cruise fighting about not putting her in enough pink when she was a baby

what it is to have want

2008-09-12T02:35:00.000-07:00

I can't flow today
My muses gone
I can't seem to tell the stories in my head
They're there in memories and observations
But I can't put them down right
Or right enough for me

I have no technique
I don't know if this is writer's block
Or a lack of inspiration
Or lack of internet

Classes started two weeks ago and it feels really weird not going to school
Lots of people keep texting me
I forget that they don't know
I haven't made an official facebook announcement
Nate is feeling awkward about taking a semester off

I miss college sometimes
And then remember how much I hated it
And dread going back in January
I'll be an RN in a little over two years hopefully
I'll be getting' good money made
But I'm still hoping to work back into the "movement" soon

I can't explain how much of an impact it's had on me
It defined my growth for the past three years.
More than that, it defined my social networks
I regret that part the most I think
Too many broken hearts because of business driving pleasure

I had a good cry about it a while ago.
At the time, I felt that the root of my problem extended from the people I surrounded myself with
They weren't people of my nature.
I was wrong, because they were attracted to the flashing lights just like I was
We just had different ways of getting there
And tried to mix them together
With booze, hard music, and fast living
Christ we were fabulous

It wasn't really the people I associated with
It was more about the way in which I associated with them.
I shouldn't have been so quick to become so close
The task now is
How not to let that have a strong effect on my future relationships.
The question becomes how to do that
And the test will be if I can be hurt again

quick library update

2008-06-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

This keyboard is really fucking loud.
like, it won't let me type softly

I miss this blog a lot, will be writing more soon.
lots of things to say.

Love,
me

Written on 4-20

2008-04-24T16:38:00.001-07:00

You sing beautifully without opening your mouth
I feel that's best
because you can't sing.
I remember watching you on stage
calling out to each and every girl
letting them think they could have you
Knowing that it wasn't you
but your song that they wanted so much

I'm like the moon
I'm beautiful
Some people think I'm made of cheese
Some people believe there's a man in here

But like the moon
I only reflect light
I have none of my own to give
I draw on your energies to light myself up
you do light me up

But I've been living my life as a Star
I've been pretending
for too long now
that I can generate all my own light
That I can burn bright
Warming the faces of people that watch me from afar
but burning those that get too close to my atmosphere

I'm putting this in the most awkward of places
I know it's because I want people to read it
all my life I've only ever wanted to be seen

You saw me
and continue to shine your light on me
Some would argue that I illuminate many things
but I know it's because of you
and because of the people you have around you

They're not my friends
but they're nice to me
I'm pretty sure I annoy them
But because of you
they let me stay

Letting me be me is the sweetest thing you've done
and you did it unselfishly
I can't repay that
The mask I wear of my own choosing
is proving to be harder to take off
than i previously anticipated
but you promised me I could take it off

You reintroduced me to my favorite drug
You brought me music and kisses
and got everyone around you to think that I was special

As long as you'll let me orbit
I'll be your moon
Please don't let me run away
because I've never felt as alive as I do when I'm with you

Happy 420!

2008-04-20T18:56:00.001-07:00

Let love rule!
Happy 4 20

You Must

2008-03-26T10:36:00.000-07:00

Watch this!

Stand

2008-03-04T14:02:00.000-08:00

I stand before the world naked
constantly revealing who I am
unable to fade away
because my feet are rooted
I stand
having chosen to brand myself
The talisman sits on my right arm
reminding me what I'm here for
I stand
having given countless hours
having bled, cried, and slept
in the arms of my identity
I stand
exposed and unable to blend in with you
you remind me everyday
of how I am different
I stand
exposed and raw
ready to tell you all about me
though I know nothing of you
I stand
true to myself
with honesty and dreams
I stand
in a spot that I did not choose
rather that selected me
for reasons I am not fortunate enough to know
I stand
a beacon of light
absorbing the endless darkness
illuminating the sea around me so that others may travel safely
shining on as they did before me
I stand
because it's my turn
my responsibility
to make a better tomorrow
I stand
but not alone
all around me are exposed
standing before the world naked
telling stories they shouldn't have to

Thank You

2008-02-29T08:58:00.000-08:00

Thank You:
for laughter
for tears
for the truth that relieves us
for questions without answers
for answers that need no questions
For love
for my body and the pleasure and pain that it gives me, though i constantly doubt it
For the man that always argues with me
for the angels that watch me when i travel
for peace
for old women
for the young girls that I pray get the chance to become old women
For music
for melody and harmony without which there would be no
for dance
for the ability to move myself at will, on my own terms
for the eyes to be grateful for that
For all the women who have acted as my mother
for the luck of being born to people who were able to take care of me
for being blessed and having that be more than two people
for the strength, courage, wisdom, and heart that my mother gave me
without which I would not exist
for the anger, passion, hunger, and will that my father gave me
without which I would not be where I am today

Today's Genius

2008-02-27T07:25:00.000-08:00

To Barack anad Hillary:

2008-02-21T15:38:00.001-08:00

1. I am not entirely thrilled with either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. I wouldn't choose either of them to be my President, if i had the real choice.
2. Because they are the two front runners. Because people are divided among them.

I want both
I don't want to have to choose between experience and change
I want change with the wisdom of experience behind it
I want to respect the office of the President again

3. Because I cannot watch the "Yes We Can" video without crying
4. Because the idea of an intelligent, strong, caring, force of a Woman in office thrills me.

I want Hillary to remind Barack that he has to fill his promises before he makes them. He has to outline real plans.
I want Barack to remind Hillary that sometimes you have to finesse the people
I want Hillary to get us out of Iraq
I want Barack to fix our towns
I want Hillary to make us healthy
I want Barack to remind people that it takes great strength to dream

5. Yes we can, on day one.

And he slid off the couch

2008-02-06T20:59:00.000-08:00

Babe,
If i had the balls
I'd say yes.
I'd calm down,
trust in you
lay myself down for you

And thats where we run into trouble
I have no problem laying myself down for you
giving myself to you for a time
But i can't give myself completely
I still hold on to a lot of myself
And i can't change that now

You're justly accusing
in your loud statements
I am emotionally hidden
I do talk to much
I should see you for what you are
I should let you in

Baby,
You held my head when it hurt
You sat with me all day and watched bad tv because i couldn't go out
Rocked me to sleep at night
Told me I could do anything
listened to me
You didn't call me crazy

Meaning so much to me
has made me unable to
go for the moon with you
I don't want you to leave my bed
But i want you out of my head

having shot down so many others
and having looked back
i can speak for certain
of these services I lack

I told you these
and you began to cry
You fell to the floor
and reached for a cigarette

Unable to form words
i stared at you
you tried to wrench emotion from my chest
pulled me to the floor with you

After kissing me
you ask me
"how can you be so composed
When your so torn apart? You don't know shit
you fight for so many to have love
but don't have it yourself"

Again, you hand me my moxie
in your hand
lies i've told
truths i'll never know

Your hands are always clammy
they hold your scent
it's tainted with cigarettes now
but i can still smell you

so because i know you read everything i write
I'll say to you on the page
what i can't say to your face
I love you
the way you're always right
and how you never let me win,
but you're always on my side.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

2008-02-06T11:04:00.001-08:00

10. Sweet Sweet Baby-Macy Gray
9. Self Conclusion-Spill Canvas
8. Like the way I do-Melissa Etheridge
7. Turpentine- Brandi Carlile
6. Blackbird- The Beatles
5. Maria- Blondie
4. Ready for Love- Inda.Arie
3. Half Boyfriend-Jay Brannan
2. Stay with me- Bette Midler
1. The Sound of White- Missy Higgins

Sometimes
What you say you want
and what you need
are the farthest places apart
I'm sorry I didn't give you my heart

Talkin' bout a revolution

2008-01-29T22:38:00.000-08:00

I surrender all

2008-01-26T17:20:00.000-08:00

Do they not see my legs
strong legs that rap around my lover in the middle of the night
legs that carry my fat ass
all day long
legs that my man loves
legs that i have danced on until dawn
legs that were not fast enough to carry me away
when i was scared and alone

Or Do they not see my arms
Strong arms that built a house
safe arms where so many have cried
holding arms
where three have died

Do they not see my face
maybe they're confused by my chins
masking a voice that sang my people to sleep
that woke people up
lips that have formed words
that have cultivated the future
and resurrected the past
eyes that have wept
a mind that never rests

Or do they not see my heart
masked by emotions i couldn't express
torn in half
sewn back together
so many times
a battered, bruised, beaten thing
that never gives up
that even in the face of the extreme
beats on

Or do they not see my stomach
Where the finest foods that i could create
were shared with those that i love
Or do they not see my chest
where children have slept
where lovers have held on to me
A strong mass of tissue that is never cold

Or do they not see my shoulders
The broad shoulders of my people
that have carried so many burdens
shoulders the women who raised me taught me
were strong enough to carry anything

no, they don't see these things
they see fat
but it's not their fault
they've been trained
to worship those skinny ass bitches
bones stickin' out every which way

Skinny bitches who can't take Jack, Jimmy, or Johnny
These skinny bitches with their carbs and their clothes
who worship at the thrown of superficiality
and can't seem to understand it when
there man trades them in
for a skinnier, prettier model

Maybe if they spent a little less time
worrying about the size of their
legs, arms, face, chest, stomach, and shoulders
stressing about whether or not they're fully loaded
and how fast they can go from 0 to 60
they wouldn't be traded in like cars

Cuz my man knows
even though the chassy may be fat
the motor underneath this hood
runs on only the finest of fuels.

An Open Letter

2008-01-25T16:37:00.000-08:00

Jesus Christ
was a liber-all
he never dreamed his words
would be taken by the balls
and used for hate
to instigate
the fear in men
who unlike him
have an agenda to push
a world to spin

He didn't haul
Matthew, Mark
Luke, and John around the country side
so you could criticize
see the love you make
is the love you take
and with hate in your heart,
Dude, for Heaven's sake

Change your tune
switch up your routine
I'm tryin' to educate you
do you know what I mean?
don't scream the hate
just spread the joy
you have to see that religion is not a toy

God's in the people
God is love
I'm spittin' these words
from up above

I know when you arrive at the pearly gates
you'll be forgiven
cuz "God Hates Fags"
Is just sinnin'

we got the right to be here
cuz we're all heaven sent
if JC comes back down he'd say:
"Thats not what I fucking meant"
He'll say:
"Spread the hope the love the peace
end these wars in the middle east
You're all the chosen ones
you've all got the light"
just look inside and you'll see that i'm right

So to you old man
I gotsta say one thing
no god of mine
would speak words that sting

Gotta wrap this up
It's gettin way too long
I leave you now with this lil song:

"Love knows
No gender
No race
No age
Long after you're gone
I'll be singin' my praise"

Kelly and Me

2007-11-27T00:45:00.000-08:00

Another chapter in my memoirs

I had a relationship with a wonderful person whom I can see myself becoming friends with again, should the opportunity strike. This individual, Kelly, is two years my senior, and has a wonderfully bubbly personality. She lights up a room when she enters it, she commands attention. This errant way of commanding attention is what, I think, attracted me to her in the first place.

Preinteraction Awareness: When I first met Kelly, the second day that I was at State, she walked into the food court of the Memorial Union with a ball cap, bill towards her left shoulder, a black long sleeved tightly knit shirt, and a pair of baggy Diesel jeans. She wore a leather bracelet around her left wrist, rings on all but two of her fingers, a loose black belt around her waist, and three chains around her neck. Kelly sat down to the table of people gathered and got right into business; we discussed the years plans, how things would pan out, and what direction we wanted to take the Alliance in that year. As a freshman who thought quite highly of himself, I was enamored.

Acquaintance: At the first Alliance meeting of the year, Kelly was walking around and speaking with people after the General Assembly meeting. Making small talk and discussing the meeting, Kelly eventually got around to inviting people to her apartment that Friday night for a “country club” themed party. Just as I was about to leave, she caught me and said, “You’re coming on Friday right?” I said, “Sure, just give me a time and a place.” We exchanged the information, she gave me a hug, and I drove home that night, thrilled that I would be going to my first real in-college college party.

After raking myself across the coals all day Friday trying to decide what to wear, I have to admit that I have always hated theme parties, I chose something, dolled myself up, and went. We had a blast that night. I met more people than I had in the three weeks since arriving at State. Before I left, around 3:30 AM, Kelly grabbed me by the arm and said, “Let’s do lunch next week. I’ll text you”

Exploration/Intensification: The following Tuesday I got a text message asking me to meet Kelly at La Fuente for dinner. I went, and had a remarkable time. It couldn’t have gone better if I’d written the story myself, and believe me, I’ve tried. We just seemed to click in the way that so few people do. We discussed everything from politics to our families, from Broadway (which she was ashamed to admit that she loved) to academia. We sat at that restaurant for nearly three hours just talking the night away. Ten minutes after we parted that evening, I received a text message in true Kelly style, “I’m so glad that we got together tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow baby.” Kelly and I became fast friends that night and would grow closer and closer as the time went on.

Intimacy: As the months passed and we worked, played, and laughed together, Kelly and I shared more and more of our lives with one another. Not a day passed that we didn’t get together for a chat. If we did miss one another for a day, as sometimes couldn’t be avoided, we’d make up for it the following day with vigor, catching each other up on what had gone on and assuring one another that we’d make it through, one day at a time. I grew very fond of these moments together, and came to depend upon them as a staple in my every day life.

I was with Kelly through many of her finest moments. The day she took a leap of faith and told her father that she was a lesbian, I was the second person she told, after her Mother. When Kelly applied, and was eventually accepted to Graduate school, I was there, encouraging her and cheering for her. I had the privilege of being there for her through two break ups with the same women, both of which were trying on her soul. I was pleased and honored that she wished to share these moments with me. I wouldn’t trade those late nights for all the fame of Judy Garland in her prime.

Turmoil or Stagnation: It’s hard to say exactly when Kelly and I began to grow apart. A part of me thinks it was when we had a large interpersonal conflict at a conference we both attended. Another voice says that we began to grow apart over this past summer. Either way, as she began to develop a new sense of self, and ventured into different arenas of people, places, and things, so did I; we began to slowly grow apart. We no longer spoke every day, points in our lives went by with the other completely unaware. We were, to put it in the context of this assignment, stagnant.

Deintensification/Individualization: We attempted to rally our friendship a few times, swearing that we’d get together more often and making dates, then canceling them. Kelly was promoted at her job, and while I was happy for her, I was also extremely sad to see her move farther and farther away. She began to socialize more with different people, outside our circle of friends and I began to focus on other circles of people too. We began to move apart.

Separation: Kelly and I began to get more and more involved within our respective circles. I spent much more time with my friends and she with hers. We would see each other at mutual functions and speak, and laugh and remember “the good old days” when we were inseparable. Though we had gone our separate ways, we still held on to that spark that brought us together in the first place. We held on to that something that brings two people together for whatever reason, and makes them companions. Kelly and I were companions in our lives. We shared our secrets, or thoughts, and our aspirations. We discussed everything, sometimes until 4 AM, and never thought it would end.

Postseparation Effects: It did end though, and looking back, I wish I’d tried harder to keep it alive. I do believe that Kelly and I will become close again. If not in the near future, later, when we’ve both established ourselves and are comfortable within our everyday lives. Perhaps we’ll get together, once a month, for drinks and conversation. But if not, as has been said many times before, “We’ve always got yesterday, babe!”

I can pinpoint times when I knew that things where changing within our relationship. That first night at the party she hosted, I was once again, floored by the incredible light that she puts forth. That night I wanted to be a part of her world, and made it my job to do so. When we sat down to dinner for the first time, our conversation was immediate and relaxed. There weren’t awkward pauses and long moments of doubt, it was just free flowing information. I wanted to know about her life, and wanted her to know about mine.

When we began to grow apart, our communication began to slow and eventually came to a hault. This is due, in my opinion, to our change in social scenery. We didn’t do the same things, socialize with the same people, or have the same experiences anymore. We slowly changed our personal circumstances, and with that, came a very soft landing.

Weekend Youtube Fix!

2007-11-17T16:19:00.000-08:00

Hilarious guy! And damn cute!
Who's up to convert him?

Re-thinking what i once said

2007-11-16T05:25:00.000-08:00

Endings have always been hard for me. I cried at the finale of Roseanne, when she was discussing how she wrote the whole thing the way she wanted it to pan out. How she tweaked the stories and maneuvered the words to best fit her vision of her world. She explained, I cried.

That weird feeling in the pit of my stomach is coming back, strong. Full on, both barrels, loud and scary. It's almost like it's telling me "This is the end, why aren't you crying?" And I think I'm not crying because I'm not sad.

When I came to this University, I made some friendships that I thought would last a lifetime. I made friendships that I thought would get me through 4+ years in Academia. I was oh so wrong about this. I think that's part of the growing up process. My only frustration with this comes from being so young, even as I think I'm growing. There is still so much I have to learn about this world.

I gave a lot of love to a lot of people, foolishly, and equally, within my naivete, expected that love back. I'm not saying I need to be cold and callous, that's not even possible for me. I just mean that I need to protect my heart a little bit more. Not throw so much of me out there, hoping that it would come back to me.

It's not like I don't have those people in my life. I certainly do, and am very thankful that I have them! I have people here to go out with, people to say "hey" to on campus; and of course there's the Alliance, which is an entirely different interpersonal dynamic. I've really noticed all of this in my phone calls/text messages. The only messages I get from people here are asking me for info, or a meeting. None saying "hey, how ya doin?" or "Be 'here' at 9" No yellow. I need yellow. (Yellow is a Rosie thing, I'll explain later)

Last weekend, myself, and several of my friends, and a few new folks, went to Harper's Ferry for a weekend retreat. It felt amazing. It was one of the most freeing experiences! I realized how much of myself I was holding off on due to this new realization. I was around people who loved me as much, if not more, than I loved them, and it felt good.

So, perhaps the real realization here is not that I need to watch how I act, but rather, how I expect others to react to me. That's more like it :)

Damned Ladies!

2007-11-15T00:28:00.001-08:00

Sonny came home with a mission...

So I talk about the women in my life a lot. I know it's a bit much sometimes, but I can't help it. I find women so empowering. I find women to really be the stronger sex. Okay, now I've turned into a really bad John Mayer song.

I've started this new job on campus, "Student Fundraiser." Basically, I'll be calling alumni and asking them for money. This sounds fine, and everything, I expect it to be something I can tolerate. At least they pay decently. Something else I can write about in my memoirs anyway.

So we've got three days of training for this job. Who knew there was such a theory to getting people to do things. (Please hold remarks regarding this being my major area of study)

Tonight I got to spend some phone time with Sheri Linn, my mom's beset friend.

Let me go crazy on you! Yea!

Just by speaking to her, I felt like I was eight years old again. I felt like a child. A very small child. I find myself doing this A LOT with several women. I can't quite depict the defining moment in my childhood when it happened, but somewhere along the lines, I decided to give women control over me.

Most of my friends are women, my role models are women for the most part, and I find it more than difficult to say no to those women that I'm close to. This is turning into more than a problem.

But I'm the only one who'd walk across a fire for you!

A very close friend of mine, who will remain nameless because I was raised properly and will only talk about a person behind their back, has asked me, again, to let her move in with me next semester. I'm finding it more and more difficult to say no.

Out there
full of shine and full of sparkle
close your eyes and see it glisten Barneby!
LISTEN Barneby!

How the hell do you say no to someone you don't want to say no to?

There's no blue monday in your Sunday Clothes!

This was supposed to be one of the perks of being a gay man: I didn't have to worry about women. Well screw that theory!

Gladys

2007-11-13T22:22:00.000-08:00

Yes Yes Yes

Things you don't know about me

2007-11-12T22:15:00.001-08:00

1. I only like three of Madonna's singles: Hung up, Like a Prayer, Jump

2. When depressed, I listen to Wonder Boy by Tenacious D

3. I've had the same pillow since I was 11.

4. I haven't spoken with my best friend in months, save for a 2 hour car ride.

5. I watch this video at least twice a day http://www.youtube.com/v/5P6UU6m3cqk&rel=1

6. When uncomfortable in a crowded room, I pick out someone, and give them a life story

7. If I became famous the first thing i would fix would be my teeth.

8. I despise artificial orange flavoring

9. I love sweaters

10. I hate most Disney Movies

Wonder Boy, wont you take me far away from the mucky muck

TNNE!

2007-11-08T14:02:00.001-08:00

Crafty!

2007-11-07T23:07:00.000-08:00

My friend Jena came over tonight, and we had one of our heart to heart nights.
FUN RIGHT!

We video taped some of our walk down memory lane, for you to you enjoy!

I'm so sorry if we incriminated anyone!

peace

To my mom and yours!, <3 Nate

2007-11-06T19:55:00.000-08:00

Did anybody else grow up in that town that is so culturally diverse it's crazy, but in reality, is completely white? I did. There were blacks, whites, hispanics, latino/a's, asian folks, there were people of all shapes and sizes. But everybody was white. Case in point: I'm at the Kum and Go getting something before work one day, and this farmer-type older gentleman walks into the the store to buy a news paper for the tractor ride. Mrs. Schipper's class is coming to the farm today for a tour.

Sounds great, have fun with that. Bon bon says. Rick nods, leaves, and goes back to the farm

Two seconds later, a beautiful latina walks through the door. RIck stops just before he gets to his truck, checks out her ass, and then sighs.

Later That night, rick was at Grumpy's telling everyone that would listen about all the lil mexeecuhn kids they got in the schools now a days. and how they're invading our country.

____________________________________________________________________

Reason for me to be in therapy #5,678

I'm not anti-anyone due to the color of their skin. The sheer notion of acting in that manner is ludacris. Sooner or later, we're all going to be grey. Every color will have melded toghether, untill we are all, grey.
Publish Post
My mother wrote a poem, when i was very little. In it she said:

Candles of several colors
can only burn alone, side by side
showing their single colors with pride
until they all melt into a pool
of grey wax

To my mom, and yours!
Nate

Check it out!

2007-11-06T04:10:00.001-08:00

An amazing friend of mine, CJ Champ.

What it means to be a "Super Gay"

2007-11-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

I wrote this ages ago. Many things have changed, but for the most part, it's still true.

For all my Fairy Winged Friends. I adore you more than you'll ever know!

It's that feeling of constantly being "on!" You're always ready to go, have your lines memorized and are ready to engage on the worlds' stage. There is nothing like this feeling, there is nothing like being strong, confident and rehearsed.

It's knowing how to fight. You've been doing it most of your life, you're getting damn good at it

It's going to sleep, wondering what the hell you're doing here. Why you're angry all the time, and praying for a dreamless sleep

It's having been through hell, and working your ass off to make sure no one else has to go there. You're willing to sacrifice yourself to make sure no one has to feel that pain.

It's being ready at a moments notice to jump up and scream.

It's being sick of screaming

It's the 3:32 am phone call:
"I can't take this. I want to die"
"What's wrong hon?"
"This is so over-whelming. Why do I have to be a part of this, why do I have to be this way? Whats wrong with me?"
"There is absolutely nothing wrong witn you. You're a beautiful human being. I understand you didn't choose this, that it chose you, but now you've got two options. You can crawl into a hole and hate yourself for doing so, or you can stand up, say I'm going to roll with these punches, and you can't keep me down"
"But it's so hard"
" I know, but remember, many have done this before you, many will do it after you, and the only thing in this world that you can do is try to make your life mean something."
"How do you do it?"
"I get up in the morning, paint on my face, and make the choice to face the day. If the day beats me at it's own game, I get up and fight a little harder"
"I don't know that I can do that"
"Of course you can. You're gay, meaning you're gifted, talented, and have amazing untapped resources. It's true that this chose us, but in choosing us, it gave us a tougher skin"
"Thank you"

It's tracing the cord back to the wall and realising that it's not only plugged in, it's going through a power surge and sparking.

It's feeling truly amazing at what you're accomplishing.

It's knowing that you're making a change, and even if what you're working for doesn't happen in your life time, it will be that much easier for the next generation

It's the willingness to sacrifice your sleep, beauty, and health for what is right.

It's sacrificing all those things, and still looking "Fabulous!" when you leave your house in the morning.

It's being able to get through the drama.

It's being scared shitless that at any given moment, someone will realise that you're not always being real, that you're putting on a face for the good of the cause.

It's being able to turn that face on and off

It's crying every time you hear that another member of the "family" has left us, and wondering what you could have done to stop it. If you could have made a difference.

It's taking that question and formulating another rally, another protest, another event in efforts to make sure that doesn't happen again

It's accepting that some people can't do what you do, and knowing that you have to work that much harder for them

It's knowing that when you're tired, battered, and bruised, you're not done yet, and the best is yet to come

It's love.

You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think

2007-11-02T15:18:00.001-07:00

I was walking to the office today, enjoying the fantabulous weather that goes along with early November and listening to my iPod. I threw on my "Oh honey" play list after a kind of tumultuous night last night. The first song that comes on is "Sunshine go away today, I don't feel much like dancin'"

It's sunny today, but cold. Good and cold. I call it Packer cold, only because i was raised on Green and Gold. (Sorry ma, Brenda wins) So it's Packer cold outside, and as I'm passing Fredrickson Court Apartments, someone comes out of the bushes that line the side walk. So I'm startled, naturally, and ask them if they need help. I was a little upset, right in the middle of the "The Great Escape" and I hate being startled. (wait, there's somebody in the bushes, right)

Anyway, he stands up and "It's thirsty Thursday dude!" he says.
"Nah man, today's Friday. Where do you live?"
"Um, Campustown! in Legacy tower."

Resisting the urge to call Kel and tell her I found one of her "great" people, i asked him if he was alright, and told him he should probably head home. We parted ways, and just as I'm about to be out of ear shot, he screams "Hey, aren't you Nate?"
"Yea"
"Totally! I so know you!"
"Get home before you get sick bud"

This was one of those be careful what you wish for moments. I always wanted to be someone people know. I worked my ass off to get to that point, and now, I'm not just someone people know, I'm someone people who are still drunk know. Truly refreshing.

In other news, I'm going to be throwing myself back into school work for the next week, and then after Turkey break again. So not so much with the partying kids.

If you see me without my nose in a book, please feel free smack me.
Alliance starts back up next week. The week off was SO nice. I think we're going to have to build that in each semester.

I will leave you with my new obsession: