Written on 4-20

You sing beautifully without opening your mouth
I feel that's best
because you can't sing.
I remember watching you on stage
calling out to each and every girl
letting them think they could have you
Knowing that it wasn't you
but your song that they wanted so much

I'm like the moon
I'm beautiful
Some people think I'm made of cheese
Some people believe there's a man in here

But like the moon
I only reflect light
I have none of my own to give
I draw on your energies to light myself up
you do light me up

But I've been living my life as a Star
I've been pretending
for too long now
that I can generate all my own light
That I can burn bright
Warming the faces of people that watch me from afar
but burning those that get too close to my atmosphere

I'm putting this in the most awkward of places
I know it's because I want people to read it
all my life I've only ever wanted to be seen

You saw me
and continue to shine your light on me
Some would argue that I illuminate many things
but I know it's because of you
and because of the people you have around you

They're not my friends
but they're nice to me
I'm pretty sure I annoy them
But because of you
they let me stay

Letting me be me is the sweetest thing you've done
and you did it unselfishly
I can't repay that
The mask I wear of my own choosing
is proving to be harder to take off
than i previously anticipated
but you promised me I could take it off

You reintroduced me to my favorite drug
You brought me music and kisses
and got everyone around you to think that I was special

As long as you'll let me orbit
I'll be your moon
Please don't let me run away
because I've never felt as alive as I do when I'm with you

Happy 420!

Let love rule!
Happy 4 20

You Must

Watch this!

Stand

I stand before the world naked
constantly revealing who I am
unable to fade away
because my feet are rooted
I stand
having chosen to brand myself
The talisman sits on my right arm
reminding me what I'm here for
I stand
having given countless hours
having bled, cried, and slept
in the arms of my identity
I stand
exposed and unable to blend in with you
you remind me everyday
of how I am different
I stand
exposed and raw
ready to tell you all about me
though I know nothing of you
I stand
true to myself
with honesty and dreams
I stand
in a spot that I did not choose
rather that selected me
for reasons I am not fortunate enough to know
I stand
a beacon of light
absorbing the endless darkness
illuminating the sea around me so that others may travel safely
shining on as they did before me
I stand
because it's my turn
my responsibility
to make a better tomorrow
I stand
but not alone
all around me are exposed
standing before the world naked
telling stories they shouldn't have to

Thank You

Thank You:
for laughter
for tears
for the truth that relieves us
for questions without answers
for answers that need no questions
For love
for my body and the pleasure and pain that it gives me, though i constantly doubt it
For the man that always argues with me
for the angels that watch me when i travel
for peace
for old women
for the young girls that I pray get the chance to become old women
For music
for melody and harmony without which there would be no
for dance
for the ability to move myself at will, on my own terms
for the eyes to be grateful for that
For all the women who have acted as my mother
for the luck of being born to people who were able to take care of me
for being blessed and having that be more than two people
for the strength, courage, wisdom, and heart that my mother gave me
without which I would not exist
for the anger, passion, hunger, and will that my father gave me
without which I would not be where I am today

Today's Genius

To Barack anad Hillary:

1. I am not entirely thrilled with either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. I wouldn't choose either of them to be my President, if i had the real choice.
2. Because they are the two front runners. Because people are divided among them.

I want both
I don't want to have to choose between experience and change
I want change with the wisdom of experience behind it
I want to respect the office of the President again

3. Because I cannot watch the "Yes We Can" video without crying
4. Because the idea of an intelligent, strong, caring, force of a Woman in office thrills me.

I want Hillary to remind Barack that he has to fill his promises before he makes them. He has to outline real plans.
I want Barack to remind Hillary that sometimes you have to finesse the people
I want Hillary to get us out of Iraq
I want Barack to fix our towns
I want Hillary to make us healthy
I want Barack to remind people that it takes great strength to dream

5. Yes we can, on day one.

And he slid off the couch

Babe,
If i had the balls
I'd say yes.
I'd calm down,
trust in you
lay myself down for you

And thats where we run into trouble
I have no problem laying myself down for you
giving myself to you for a time
But i can't give myself completely
I still hold on to a lot of myself
And i can't change that now

You're justly accusing
in your loud statements
I am emotionally hidden
I do talk to much
I should see you for what you are
I should let you in

Baby,
You held my head when it hurt
You sat with me all day and watched bad tv because i couldn't go out
Rocked me to sleep at night
Told me I could do anything
listened to me
You didn't call me crazy

Meaning so much to me
has made me unable to
go for the moon with you
I don't want you to leave my bed
But i want you out of my head

having shot down so many others
and having looked back
i can speak for certain
of these services I lack

I told you these
and you began to cry
You fell to the floor
and reached for a cigarette

Unable to form words
i stared at you
you tried to wrench emotion from my chest
pulled me to the floor with you

After kissing me
you ask me
"how can you be so composed
When your so torn apart? You don't know shit
you fight for so many to have love
but don't have it yourself"

Again, you hand me my moxie
in your hand
lies i've told
truths i'll never know

Your hands are always clammy
they hold your scent
it's tainted with cigarettes now
but i can still smell you

so because i know you read everything i write
I'll say to you on the page
what i can't say to your face
I love you
the way you're always right
and how you never let me win,
but you're always on my side.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

10. Sweet Sweet Baby-Macy Gray
9. Self Conclusion-Spill Canvas
8. Like the way I do-Melissa Etheridge
7. Turpentine- Brandi Carlile
6. Blackbird- The Beatles
5. Maria- Blondie
4. Ready for Love- Inda.Arie
3. Half Boyfriend-Jay Brannan
2. Stay with me- Bette Midler
1. The Sound of White- Missy Higgins

Sometimes
What you say you want
and what you need
are the farthest places apart
I'm sorry I didn't give you my heart

Talkin' bout a revolution

I surrender all

Do they not see my legs
strong legs that rap around my lover in the middle of the night
legs that carry my fat ass
all day long
legs that my man loves
legs that i have danced on until dawn
legs that were not fast enough to carry me away
when i was scared and alone

Or Do they not see my arms
Strong arms that built a house
safe arms where so many have cried
holding arms
where three have died

Do they not see my face
maybe they're confused by my chins
masking a voice that sang my people to sleep
that woke people up
lips that have formed words
that have cultivated the future
and resurrected the past
eyes that have wept
a mind that never rests

Or do they not see my heart
masked by emotions i couldn't express
torn in half
sewn back together
so many times
a battered, bruised, beaten thing
that never gives up
that even in the face of the extreme
beats on

Or do they not see my stomach
Where the finest foods that i could create
were shared with those that i love
Or do they not see my chest
where children have slept
where lovers have held on to me
A strong mass of tissue that is never cold

Or do they not see my shoulders
The broad shoulders of my people
that have carried so many burdens
shoulders the women who raised me taught me
were strong enough to carry anything

no, they don't see these things
they see fat
but it's not their fault
they've been trained
to worship those skinny ass bitches
bones stickin' out every which way

Skinny bitches who can't take Jack, Jimmy, or Johnny
These skinny bitches with their carbs and their clothes
who worship at the thrown of superficiality
and can't seem to understand it when
there man trades them in
for a skinnier, prettier model

Maybe if they spent a little less time
worrying about the size of their
legs, arms, face, chest, stomach, and shoulders
stressing about whether or not they're fully loaded
and how fast they can go from 0 to 60
they wouldn't be traded in like cars

Cuz my man knows
even though the chassy may be fat
the motor underneath this hood
runs on only the finest of fuels.

An Open Letter

Jesus Christ
was a liber-all
he never dreamed his words
would be taken by the balls
and used for hate
to instigate
the fear in men
who unlike him
have an agenda to push
a world to spin

He didn't haul
Matthew, Mark
Luke, and John around the country side
so you could criticize
see the love you make
is the love you take
and with hate in your heart,
Dude, for Heaven's sake

Change your tune
switch up your routine
I'm tryin' to educate you
do you know what I mean?
don't scream the hate
just spread the joy
you have to see that religion is not a toy

God's in the people
God is love
I'm spittin' these words
from up above

I know when you arrive at the pearly gates
you'll be forgiven
cuz "God Hates Fags"
Is just sinnin'

we got the right to be here
cuz we're all heaven sent
if JC comes back down he'd say:
"Thats not what I fucking meant"
He'll say:
"Spread the hope the love the peace
end these wars in the middle east
You're all the chosen ones
you've all got the light"
just look inside and you'll see that i'm right

So to you old man
I gotsta say one thing
no god of mine
would speak words that sting

Gotta wrap this up
It's gettin way too long
I leave you now with this lil song:

"Love knows
No gender
No race
No age
Long after you're gone
I'll be singin' my praise"

Kelly and Me

Another chapter in my memoirs

I had a relationship with a wonderful person whom I can see myself becoming friends with again, should the opportunity strike. This individual, Kelly, is two years my senior, and has a wonderfully bubbly personality. She lights up a room when she enters it, she commands attention. This errant way of commanding attention is what, I think, attracted me to her in the first place.

Preinteraction Awareness: When I first met Kelly, the second day that I was at State, she walked into the food court of the Memorial Union with a ball cap, bill towards her left shoulder, a black long sleeved tightly knit shirt, and a pair of baggy Diesel jeans. She wore a leather bracelet around her left wrist, rings on all but two of her fingers, a loose black belt around her waist, and three chains around her neck. Kelly sat down to the table of people gathered and got right into business; we discussed the years plans, how things would pan out, and what direction we wanted to take the Alliance in that year. As a freshman who thought quite highly of himself, I was enamored.

Acquaintance: At the first Alliance meeting of the year, Kelly was walking around and speaking with people after the General Assembly meeting. Making small talk and discussing the meeting, Kelly eventually got around to inviting people to her apartment that Friday night for a “country club” themed party. Just as I was about to leave, she caught me and said, “You’re coming on Friday right?” I said, “Sure, just give me a time and a place.” We exchanged the information, she gave me a hug, and I drove home that night, thrilled that I would be going to my first real in-college college party.

After raking myself across the coals all day Friday trying to decide what to wear, I have to admit that I have always hated theme parties, I chose something, dolled myself up, and went. We had a blast that night. I met more people than I had in the three weeks since arriving at State. Before I left, around 3:30 AM, Kelly grabbed me by the arm and said, “Let’s do lunch next week. I’ll text you”

Exploration/Intensification: The following Tuesday I got a text message asking me to meet Kelly at La Fuente for dinner. I went, and had a remarkable time. It couldn’t have gone better if I’d written the story myself, and believe me, I’ve tried. We just seemed to click in the way that so few people do. We discussed everything from politics to our families, from Broadway (which she was ashamed to admit that she loved) to academia. We sat at that restaurant for nearly three hours just talking the night away. Ten minutes after we parted that evening, I received a text message in true Kelly style, “I’m so glad that we got together tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow baby.” Kelly and I became fast friends that night and would grow closer and closer as the time went on.

Intimacy: As the months passed and we worked, played, and laughed together, Kelly and I shared more and more of our lives with one another. Not a day passed that we didn’t get together for a chat. If we did miss one another for a day, as sometimes couldn’t be avoided, we’d make up for it the following day with vigor, catching each other up on what had gone on and assuring one another that we’d make it through, one day at a time. I grew very fond of these moments together, and came to depend upon them as a staple in my every day life.

I was with Kelly through many of her finest moments. The day she took a leap of faith and told her father that she was a lesbian, I was the second person she told, after her Mother. When Kelly applied, and was eventually accepted to Graduate school, I was there, encouraging her and cheering for her. I had the privilege of being there for her through two break ups with the same women, both of which were trying on her soul. I was pleased and honored that she wished to share these moments with me. I wouldn’t trade those late nights for all the fame of Judy Garland in her prime.

Turmoil or Stagnation: It’s hard to say exactly when Kelly and I began to grow apart. A part of me thinks it was when we had a large interpersonal conflict at a conference we both attended. Another voice says that we began to grow apart over this past summer. Either way, as she began to develop a new sense of self, and ventured into different arenas of people, places, and things, so did I; we began to slowly grow apart. We no longer spoke every day, points in our lives went by with the other completely unaware. We were, to put it in the context of this assignment, stagnant.

Deintensification/Individualization: We attempted to rally our friendship a few times, swearing that we’d get together more often and making dates, then canceling them. Kelly was promoted at her job, and while I was happy for her, I was also extremely sad to see her move farther and farther away. She began to socialize more with different people, outside our circle of friends and I began to focus on other circles of people too. We began to move apart.

Separation: Kelly and I began to get more and more involved within our respective circles. I spent much more time with my friends and she with hers. We would see each other at mutual functions and speak, and laugh and remember “the good old days” when we were inseparable. Though we had gone our separate ways, we still held on to that spark that brought us together in the first place. We held on to that something that brings two people together for whatever reason, and makes them companions. Kelly and I were companions in our lives. We shared our secrets, or thoughts, and our aspirations. We discussed everything, sometimes until 4 AM, and never thought it would end.

Postseparation Effects: It did end though, and looking back, I wish I’d tried harder to keep it alive. I do believe that Kelly and I will become close again. If not in the near future, later, when we’ve both established ourselves and are comfortable within our everyday lives. Perhaps we’ll get together, once a month, for drinks and conversation. But if not, as has been said many times before, “We’ve always got yesterday, babe!”

I can pinpoint times when I knew that things where changing within our relationship. That first night at the party she hosted, I was once again, floored by the incredible light that she puts forth. That night I wanted to be a part of her world, and made it my job to do so. When we sat down to dinner for the first time, our conversation was immediate and relaxed. There weren’t awkward pauses and long moments of doubt, it was just free flowing information. I wanted to know about her life, and wanted her to know about mine.

When we began to grow apart, our communication began to slow and eventually came to a hault. This is due, in my opinion, to our change in social scenery. We didn’t do the same things, socialize with the same people, or have the same experiences anymore. We slowly changed our personal circumstances, and with that, came a very soft landing.