But the Mirror Says "No" to Me

A busted door, a blurred vision

and so begins my blurry mission

though you wished for it all

you found yourself in free-fall
a burdened beast in your own time.

I do my damndest to keep free of your bond
But you involved my loves
and rushed your flood of tears into my pond
In here fish swim differently
we know what we see
and trouble around us becomes the "T"

But paths still taken, though heartless can rule
Your world is ill-grounded the paths can still move
waiting for your response
it banks on whether you're drunk, your needs, your wants

So a fire got started and flames were thrown
the brighter they burn the more that you've shown
machines can only preserve the past
they cannot make the future last

Stevie wrote the words to our movie
we played the parts she wasn't afraid to create
A Gold Dust Woman, and a Gypsy.
Who's right or wrong?
It's Rhiannon we all wish to be
But the Mirror Says "No" to Me.

For those who choose to exploit our sexuality, rather than celebrate our Divinity!

(Note: I wrote this after reading, on the Face, that one of the best entertainers I've ever seen got shade while buying nails at Walgreen's Pharmacy. I aint-a-havin' that! This one's for you, Sasha Belle!)

See a boy buying nails at the CVS

Wanna step to him like...
Like this whole day ain't been a test
I see your eyes are low
and your muggs are mean,
but don't treat that man
like he ain't a QUEEN!

He gets on the stage most ev'ry night
with 3-hours-a work
painted on his face, right!
Straps up them heels
laces up her bright gown.
Goes out to entertain his whole damn town!
With a message of love, and understanding, and truth:
hair so high she'll raise that roof!
She swallows the fear
and straps-on his pride
like without him the whole world wouldda died.

Now here's the T
I'm only startin' to spit mean:
Only reason that you laughin
'cuz your eyes be green.
Takes ten times the guts you got on your hand
to stand before a crowd and lead this land.
If you had the balls to do what she do,
if you had the talent to do what she do:
Then you'd be on stage, not slingin' discounts, Boo!

Blue

On Monday Alli and I are going to look at a 2-bedroom ranch. I'm hoping we fall in love with it at first sight, but I don't want to get my hopes up, as it's not often good to jump on your first prospect. This is something I had to learn the hard way. With living situations and people.
Alli's daughter will be living with us some of the time. It's been my long-standing opinion that children are awful. But this little girl is cute, polite, and brilliant. She looks like a Bodecelli angel, and she's in love with Lady GaGa. If I have to pick a kid to be okay with, I'm glad I got to pick this one.

Usually I don't warm up to people too easily. I'm generally a guarded and blunt person until you give me a reason to let you in, and even when that occurs, it takes me a bit. This is why I can count my friends on one hand. I don't mean to portray myself as mean spirited, I'm good at acting the part of a "nice" person, but that's what it is, an act. Born of my psyche and portrayed by my toothy smile.

I bring this up because recently I've been going through a lot of problems with people in my life. A very close friend and I haven't spoken in over two months. I'm not sure what started this silence, but it makes me very uncomfortable. I feel awkward trying to talk to her now, because I don't know that we can just pick up where we left off. Relationships, especially long-term relationships, go through ebbs and flows. It's natural and to be expected, that I knew, what I wasn't prepared for was how it makes me feel. I sort of feel like someone's died.

With that awkward situation comes another, but of my own doing. In the past 6 months, I have fallen crazy hard for two different people. Beyond my usual two-week-crush thing. I made a decision about two years ago, that when/if I feel this strongly for someone, it's better to be honest about it, at least with myself. However, I feel I've made a mistake. I took being honest too far, and admitted to both that I had strong feelings for them. I knew from the get that neither would reciprocate my feelings, but I confessed them anyway. Both, of course, were wonderful about it, and let me down easy, and we still talk all the time. But, I can't help feeling sad for myself.

It's crazy to think I'll never find love, I know this, but crazy is in my blood. It's so hard to shake feelings of inadequacy. I just keep repeating to myself "don't judge your insides by other people's outsides" Fucking bullshit is what that is...but bullshit is all I got.



I'm an overly sensitive boy
The day is just beginning
but for me, it's the end of the night.
Sweet dreams, and beautiful night mares

xoxo
natey