I don't miss you yet

You had my heart in your hands

and taught me all of your tricks

I grew up cool, mean, and fast

watchin' you get your kicks

didn't take me long to see my trouble

If I stick with you better order a double

You taught me all that I know

Showed me some of what I needed

I got a lot that I wanted if I wasn't conceded

Now we should get over our fight

You've had too much whiskey tonight

So I don't miss you yet

I wish I had a story of regret

Or better yet,

If I could say "I'm sorry"

and mean even one word

you don't make me feel

like time with you is real

you've got mass appeal but one-on-one

you can't seem to get it done.

So I don't miss you yet.

Unless you live it, you have no idea what it's like to be in your twenties, single, queer, and free. Many people can say you don't know what their life is like until you walk a mile in their shoes. I'm not talking about personal life experiences, and sappy emotional moments where music swells and you have your first heart break. I'm talking in the over-generalized sense of what I experience.

There's a collective conscientiousness among young gay men. Be thin, beautiful, tan and tight. Dance well, hold your liquor, never hesitate with a witty come-back, and above all else, make "it' about you. This has existed since time began; when the first neanderthal looked out over the rocky plain and saw a young man sunning himself on a boulder, He felt a quiver beneath his beaver pelt, and next thing you know the rocks are covered in cum.

Sex is everywhere in our culture. It drives our purchases, our likes and dislikes, and is the reason every gay man thinks he's fat. With us, sex is so in your face because for so long we are told what we desire is abnormal. Sleeping Beauty didn't wake up because some big burly butch Dyke kissed her and built her a deck. Though you knew they were fucking, Batman and Robin never kissed each other after they saved a life.

So our PRIDE parades have 95% naked men dancing in bubbles, and if you ever watched the L Word, you know that getting fingered at the Opera can create white the climax during the Aria.

On top of all this sexual aggression and pressure to fit into it, drugs are everywhere you look. Pot, cocaine, and crystal being the en vogue drugs of today. One can abstain from any or all of these and be fine, but there is something magical about a Rihanna Remix at 1:30 AM mixed with too much booze that tends to make one lose their inhibitions in a quick hurry. I've seen young kids be carried off of a dance floor covered in their own vomit, and no one misses a beat.

Danger is the third lady at this table. Danger and thrill are what make everything worth it. It's why you go home with the guy you just met at the bar 15 minutes ago. It's why you drink too much around sweaty people you don't know and dance so hard your legs hurt the next morning. It's walking down the street holding hands with your significant other. It's hanging a rainbow flag from your office balcony. It's getting a rainbow tattoo. Danger is the lube that makes everything slip into the place where it feels just right. Danger is the fear that you won't be able to pick up anybody at the bar, and that's why you work out ten times harder, and eat one less meal.

Sex, drugs, and danger, everything we hold dear. This is a slice of what it's like to be queer, young, and beautiful.

Debut Haus

My friend Allison and I decided to move in together a while ago. We both live in shit holes we call Gnome Homes. Every wall in my apt has 1969 wood paneling but one. This savior wall is covered in 1982 popular orange shag carpeting. Totally better than sheet rock. This wood paneling is 100% to blame for my current life problems. It's revolting, and I challenge the most well-adjusted queer to live a year in this place and not come out with a depressive disorder.

We looked at two places yesterday. A powder blue ranch that was atrosh and way too tiny, and then the Haus. It's huge. You walk up a classic porch off an angled exterior into the living room. Through the living room you enter a foyer. To your left is a family room, to your right the stairs leading to the second floor. The kitchen isn't enormous, but doesn't feel tight. The natural lighting in the house makes each room light up from the floor up. This reminds me of my parent's house. The bath is off of the kitchen, followed by a washroom and a the steps leading to the basement. The bath is average size and can accommodate two people comfortably. Washroom will fit a washer and dryer easily with room to spare. Basement isn't finished, but a typical Iowa basement. It'll do in a Twister.

Up the stairs to the 2nd floor, you see a small child-sized room painted blue. It will need to be repainted, but has plenty of light and will fit the munchkin well. Across the landing is the master bedroom. Large angular ceilings and windows on each wall. To the left and down a short hall is the secondary bedroom. A walk-closet, and not small. Do-able.

I'm not sure who's moving into the Master yet. It's affordable. I can have pets. I can smoke in the house, though I won't with the yungin 'round. 'Cuz I just cant.

My roomate is great. We share the same sense of humor, and over all view of the world. We have similar goals and similar interests. IE, We're good friends, and I'm uber excited.



I'm concerned about a friend of mine. He's been cruising the ManHunt lately trolling for 3-somes. He's using it as a sociological experiment, so far, but I fear he'll end up getting into "Mommy and Daughter" role play soon.

I really want a dog. I've lived without one for 5 years, and I miss it lots and lots. Logic isn't really applicable here.

I've got to clean and pack today. Let's see if that happens.

xoxo
Natey

Blue

On Monday Alli and I are going to look at a 2-bedroom ranch. I'm hoping we fall in love with it at first sight, but I don't want to get my hopes up, as it's not often good to jump on your first prospect. This is something I had to learn the hard way. With living situations and people.
Alli's daughter will be living with us some of the time. It's been my long-standing opinion that children are awful. But this little girl is cute, polite, and brilliant. She looks like a Bodecelli angel, and she's in love with Lady GaGa. If I have to pick a kid to be okay with, I'm glad I got to pick this one.

Usually I don't warm up to people too easily. I'm generally a guarded and blunt person until you give me a reason to let you in, and even when that occurs, it takes me a bit. This is why I can count my friends on one hand. I don't mean to portray myself as mean spirited, I'm good at acting the part of a "nice" person, but that's what it is, an act. Born of my psyche and portrayed by my toothy smile.

I bring this up because recently I've been going through a lot of problems with people in my life. A very close friend and I haven't spoken in over two months. I'm not sure what started this silence, but it makes me very uncomfortable. I feel awkward trying to talk to her now, because I don't know that we can just pick up where we left off. Relationships, especially long-term relationships, go through ebbs and flows. It's natural and to be expected, that I knew, what I wasn't prepared for was how it makes me feel. I sort of feel like someone's died.

With that awkward situation comes another, but of my own doing. In the past 6 months, I have fallen crazy hard for two different people. Beyond my usual two-week-crush thing. I made a decision about two years ago, that when/if I feel this strongly for someone, it's better to be honest about it, at least with myself. However, I feel I've made a mistake. I took being honest too far, and admitted to both that I had strong feelings for them. I knew from the get that neither would reciprocate my feelings, but I confessed them anyway. Both, of course, were wonderful about it, and let me down easy, and we still talk all the time. But, I can't help feeling sad for myself.

It's crazy to think I'll never find love, I know this, but crazy is in my blood. It's so hard to shake feelings of inadequacy. I just keep repeating to myself "don't judge your insides by other people's outsides" Fucking bullshit is what that is...but bullshit is all I got.



I'm an overly sensitive boy
The day is just beginning
but for me, it's the end of the night.
Sweet dreams, and beautiful night mares

xoxo
natey

Smoothly Spoken

Today was the first beautiful day of 2010. The sky wasn't clear, but the temp was immaculate. I slept until 4:30 because I work graveyard tonight. Cleaning, stocking, and following the beeps. Got laundry going and I've decided I need to do dishes. That's the first hurdle, admitting it. Alli and I have been seriously discussing moving in together. We've both got shitty living situations, and we both want a house. I especially want a dog. I haven't lived with one for four years and I'm really not liking it. I've decided that my best option at the moment is to return to school and pursue a nursing degree. Haven't told people yet. David Sedaris was right, I find it impossible to write without a cigarette. Times as they stand are considerably more difficult than they have been. I'm going through a lot of changes with my job, things I can't put on the internet, though I wish I could. When I move on, I'll post everything. Allegedly. My neighbors play music so loud that it vibrates my walls. Not good music. Mariachi shit that makes me fear I'll tympanically hemorrhage. This occurs around mid night. I've been the nice person a few times and asked them to turn it down when I have to work in the AM, but they continue to blast it. Upside? I'm learning Spanish.
My new favorite tune is Jason Mraz: Gypsy MC
Nick Simmons is gorgeous


Today was the type of day you spend walking outside with a 40.



xx
Natey

5 anonymous messages to people on line.

So my friend spilled soda on my lap top keyboard. Getting a space is like watching a full episode of StarTrek, hard to do

.

1. I've crushed on you since I saw you my Freshman year at a house party in Ames. You were there with your harem of followers and your best friend. At first I thought you two were together, but then saw your friends boyfriend, and learned better. I still stalk you all the time. I still think you're beautiful.

2. You know me better than anyone else on this planet. We're going through some stuff in our relationship right now,but we'll get through it. It's not over, just a dry spell. Every couple experiences lesbian bed death once or twice. No worries beb.

3. I've listened to your music forever. I love the way you sing, the way you write,and the way you perform. I'm just captivated by your presence. And when I figured out Lindsay knew you, well then I had to hunt you down. Thankfully, I was, and continue to be impressed.

4. When I first met you, I thought you were very sweet and naive. I've learned that you are very sweet, but naive you aren't. You've gotten me into more shit than I care to relive and saved me when I needed it. I love you, very much.

5. What was three weeks to the rest of the world was a lifetime to us.

12.27.09, early

I've demolished the idea of having a sleeping pattern. Some days I'm lucky to grab a few hours. Others, like today, I sleep 16 hours straight, without stirring once. Either I have a disorder, or I'm incredibly lazy. Naturally, I'd like to blame a disorder.

Schloemer xmas tomorrow in Geneva, starts at noon. As of now, It's still snowing, and the roads were quite slippery tonight when I came home. Hopefully I wont end up in a ditch with my family.

I've had my new laptop for three days and I have Ten days worth of music on it. I wasn't able to download my old iTunes purchases. Which irritates me, being as i bought them. Dear iTunes, you suck. Revise your policy.

I passed my Med Aide class. Need to complete a few more clinical hours and then I'll be done and certified. It remains a nice promotion.

The apartment is a horrendous mess. I'm going to force myself to clean here soon, probably. Maybe.

It's impossible for me to string together a coherent thought longer than two or three sentences, so I'll stop now. Folding laundry and working on kicking this cold's ass. Hopefully to Iowa City soon. Need a recharge.