Dear Natey: Ask Abby With A Queens Perspective!

1. Dear Natey,
I love my boyfriend very much, but we have NOTHING in common. He loves showtunes, has horrible taste, and is very much a home-body. I’m a rocker, have a modern taste in everything, and love going out to have a good time. I don’t want to break it off with him, but neither of us will budge on these issues, and we’re fighting a lot. What can I do?

Signed, Modern Taste

Dear Modern,
Part of a healthy relationship is give-and-take between the two of you. If he's playing Broadway music at all hours, get headphones. Perhaps you could meet him half-way on going out. Plan a dinner party and invite your friends, that way he's happy being in, and you get to have a good time with your people. I also suggest setting aside one night a week as "date night." Just the two of you, to keep that flame of love burning. There's nothing better than a romantic, special evening with just the two of you. As far as style goes, that's a very personal subjective thing. If the issue is home decor, go shopping together and find things you both appreciate. If the issue is clothing, you should be doing your best to get him out of them as often as possible.

1. Dear Natey,
My girlfriend is addicted to her smart phone. She’s constantly texting, facebooking, twittering, checking in on 4square, and it’s driving me nuts. We can’t even have a dinner together without her being on her phone for 90% of it. We even get yelled at when we go to movies. Whenever I bring it up she gets very defensive and pouts for hours, of course talking about it on twitter.

Help!, Textually Exasperated

Dear Textually,

Smart phones are the new black. Everybody has one and once they get into them, there's no turning back. How are you bringing the issue up? If she gets defensive when you bring it to her attention, maybe it's time for a new approach. I suggest asking her in a calm collected manner, "Could you please put the phone down for a while? I miss our conversation." Throw something in there about why you fell for her in the first place, and give her hands something to do other than hold her Black Berry.

If You'd like to write in to "Dear Natey" send an email to Nathan.Note@gmail.com. All questions remain confidential.

splitting up my heart

Writing on the back of a note you wrote me

months ago when we were still friends

I'm writing down the words to this song

it's short and sweet but the melody never ends

convince my thoughts not to roam

convince my body that you're home

convince my soul that you won't break it apart

'cuz you gotta convince me

I'm done splitting up my heart

Men have played me for fools

left me standing holding my book of rules

and whats harder is this box full of tools

none of them seem to work on me

guess I'm screwed

Convince my thoughts not to roam

convince my body that you're home

Convince my soul that you wont break it apart

'Cuz baby, I'm done splitting up my heart

Now you're sittin' in that bar

Staring into your drink

trying to remember who you are

Boy I've been there, and yes I know it's rough

But it's nights like these that make boys tough

Try not to worry 'bout your tomorrows

Tonight we're drinking away our sorrows

Convince my lips to meet yours

Convince my eyes to take a tour

of all the brilliance inside your face

Boy show me nobody could ever take your place

10 Things I learned in Iowa City

Not suitable for view by those who pay for your education.

1. The Mexicans at Pancheros are TOTALLY making fun of you, therefore it is TOTALLY acceptable to be dissatisfied with the flatness of your made-to-order-burrito.

2. Everybody's on something. Whether it's blow or low blood glucose cuz you're a crazy-militant-New Pioneer Food Co.-Vegan, or "Omigod! I have four projects due in 12 hours and I spent the last 2.5 weeks drunker than a freshman on prom night. Due to this fact, it should just be assumed that everyone's on edge and ready to snap.

3. It's always time for a drink. I don't care if it's 10 AM or Bar close. It's always time for a drink.

4. If you flirt with the gay at Konnexions and tell him he's pretty, you can get a discount.

5. The best drag queens in Iowa are in Iowa City. There's one or two in other venues, but Iowa City has the densest population of "WOOOOOOOOOOORK"ing girls.

6. Really drunk girls at bro bars can't tell the difference between Queers and Breeders, even when you tell her that her l.e.i. low-rise button fly jeans really don't go with her pay-less b.o.g.o. strappy sandals.

7. Walking down South Johnson at 3:35 AM can be hazardous to your homo-health. Like the Asians, stupid heteros travel in packs and carry razor blades in their cheeks.

8. "I've got a meeting I'm late for." is an acceptable fuck you that will get you out of any conversation with people you really don't care to see. Like the guy you blew off on MH last night and then saw at Studs and wouldn't dance with....

9. Smart phones have been surgically implanted in everyone's hands. You didn't say it if you didn't tweet it, you're not friends unless you "like" my status on the face, you didn't go unless you checked in on 4square.

10. Your friends can get you through anything. Choose wisely, and once you do, you'll have family.

I don't miss you yet

You had my heart in your hands

and taught me all of your tricks

I grew up cool, mean, and fast

watchin' you get your kicks

didn't take me long to see my trouble

If I stick with you better order a double

You taught me all that I know

Showed me some of what I needed

I got a lot that I wanted if I wasn't conceded

Now we should get over our fight

You've had too much whiskey tonight

So I don't miss you yet

I wish I had a story of regret

Or better yet,

If I could say "I'm sorry"

and mean even one word

you don't make me feel

like time with you is real

you've got mass appeal but one-on-one

you can't seem to get it done.

So I don't miss you yet.

Mind games

He's dead to the world
throwing herself around
he needs those million boys
to hold him to the ground
nights like these are spent learning emotion
for that day you give your dethroned devotion
He's inhaled too much of your scent now
you're the one that's stuck on his mind.

Hell show you the world if you let him
he'll give you his heart if you show him the grind
you're miles apart and barely speaking
always just a step behind his changing mind

closer now he's got your heart
holding you down when he starts
pulling away and making up excuses
do you feel like your time is useless
I'm gonna need a new bottle and a pack-a-cigarettes
if I'm ever to define this changing mind

I get to thinking after we've been drinking
what is it about you that makes me stay
is it those soft lips in a french kiss
or the sounds you make when we play

Well I'm the life of the party
a little bit naughty
or a pretty young barbie who sings to you
but you've only known me when I've been lonely
so you don't believe that's true

Good night my dear I'll see you soon
thanks for your time and bottles wine
the way the sun holds your face
i could not erase
the memory of you from my mind.

Dear Mommy dearest

please quit trying to repair this broken relationship between me and dad. It's not going to get better, and you have got to quit trying to be the buffer between us. I've watched him for 23 years, and he is not going to change. To improve this for myself, which is the only way to make it better, i have to change. He had drawn his line in the sand, and i'm standing on the other side of it. I know that irrespective of what i say, he's going to label it melo-dramatic and just another way that i'm trying to create problems. Reducing other peoples emotions is the only way he can process them. If he does not experience and feel something right at the same moment you do, it doesn't exist. He's really quite simple. (Yes i know that was a cunty comment intended to get his goat. Remember though, I know where he ties it up.)

I was not the perfect child in any way, I am at fault for many things in my years, and i attribute these now to learning and growing pains. Though i wasn't always the best child to rear, i did not deserve to be beaten daily. I didn't deserve to be verbally abused and emotionally torn apart from as far back as i can remember. I wasn't that bad, annoying and awkward, sure!

I don't remember not having adult thoughts. I don't remember not being terrified of when he would come home. I don't remember playing because i was busy trying to keep john and aaron from pissing him off. I remember the day he busted your lip open. I remember the day he threw john against the wall. I remember every criticism he ever threw at me and the rage and hate in his eyes when he said them. I remember the day he beat you and went off in handcuffs. And the day he came back to the house.

When he took my car from me at work and left this junker, he said, "this is the last thing i'm ever doing for you." "At some point you have to grow up and stop causing drama for everyone. We're tired of it, we're tired of you." I know he doesn't speak for anyone but himself, and only speaks through his perceived reality. But I'm done.

So much of who I am today, the good and the bad, was formed upon this traumatic child hood. I've come to learn that everyone hates their parents. Thats why we invented nursing homes. Nobody had it easy, and anyone who says they did is lying. That doesn't take away from personal experience, however, and mine's been real fun.

As I said, with his actions over the past 23 years he had drawn his line in the sand. I've just had it. I'm done dealing with it. I'm going to move on.

Best of Luck with That

Men are monsters
Women are worse
boys have much to learn
like when to take their turn

it serves to teach my years
and expand my soul
though my words were varied
it's not our fault you decided to get married

So best of luck on the hill
keepin' up with the Jones'
I hope history doesn't repeat itself
cuz you'll be broken on that shelf.

I understand it's all you've wanted
and that you feel you've fought for it
But the future has the past in it's hand
I really hope you have a plan

We don't know whats gonna happen
We're not sure how this will play out
I am sure on my own
when this dust settles i won't be the one alone.

Gay Bar Etiquette

Iffin it’s in a dress, and wearing enough face paint to recreate a van Gough, you can call it a she. Tip her well and compliment her on how she looks. Yes, we all know she’s lip syncing Britney Spears. You’re supposed to ignore that and be dazed and confused by the millions of sequins.

Iffin it’s wearin a shirt, tie, and a bowler hat, you can call it a He. Remember honey, it might look like a man, but you get down into those skivvies and you’re gonna find some silicone. Up top you’re prolly gonna find a tight ace wrap.

It helps to start drinking the moment you walk in the door. If you think this doesn’t make sense to you, and you feel uncomfortable, remember that it doesn’t makes sense to us either. That’s why we drink. The rest of us are a schwasted mess because we’ve learned this lesson already.

The lesbian at the bar with five drinks in her hand is buying for her underage friends. If you bump into her and spill something, you best be prepared to buy another round, or you’re gonna have very angry gaybies snapping at your heels, and thirsty young queers bite.

That old man sitting at the end of the bar wearing a coat and 300 dollar jeans chatting up the bar tender is the “bar Bitch” In his younger days he was hot and fucked many a boy, now he’s just irritable and bitchy. Stay away from him unless you wanna get told the twelve million things that are wrong with you.

If you tip the bartender well, you will get better service and better drinks. They’re only acting uninterested in you because they are. They probably have a headache and are NOT looking forward to cleaning up the bar after you have drug your happy ass home.

Do not worry about people of the same sex hitting on you. If you’re not interested, that’s fine. You can say no thank you and walk away. If you’re hung up and worried about people of the same sex hitting on you, get the fuck out of the bar and go drink with the red necks.

The kid with his shirt off and hands above his head swinging around the dance floor is on an entirely different planet. Try to avoid bumping into him, he’s prolly gonna fall over. If he dances with you, girate for a moment and move on, it’s in your best interest.

Now if you’re standing outside the bathroom and it’s been five minutes, bang three times real hard and say, “Cum already you trashy piece of shit.”
The lesbians will be divided up into Polo shirts and dresses, the gay boys into scarves and t-shirts. Now, they’ll mix if one is fucking the other, but rarely will they be fucking each other. Don’t try to wrap your mind around sex yet, it’s early.

If you go outside to smoke, you’re gonna see some shit. Be prepared. I can’t begin to embellish on what’s out there, but don’t make eye contact. If a 7 foot tall thing in a wig is screaming at someone, and their face happens to be REAL thick, it’s prolly a Cass, and that’s a whole load of crazy you don’t wanna get into.

At the end of the night, there will more than likely be a large man or woman yelling at you to get out of the bar. Understand that S/he wants to go home and is sick and tired of looking at your drunk ass. Bottoms up and out ya go. If you’re lucky you found something to keep ya warm that night. If not, you’re drunk and have more than likely ingested a few things that you’ll regret the next mornion.

LoveLust and Fairydust,
You're fairygodfather

My Wild Heart < 3

In all my wisdom I could never see
the toll this life would take on me.
Force myself up and on with the day
I'm the one you want after your nightmare
but not the one you want for a good time.
I can turn all your music on
even make you feel alive.
You're long gone but you're always on my mind.
This world's got some pretty sick twists.
And there are times i wanna be done with it
but pain is the cost of love and I've paid retail price.
When it comes to men I've been pickin'
the ones who need some fixin'.
I need to put up a bigger fight
cuz if you're gonna be my religion,
then you gotta be a God, right?
If this world is a sea then I'm a bad swimmer.
I don't wanna be a shark, but I could be thinner.
We were floating around dancing to Mary
she said, "Love is real, but baby it's Cash N' Carry."
"Don't be afraid," you said, "Time doesn't exist here."
I said, "I"m sorry baby, but I'm in a different atmosphere."
See I lost me a while ago,baby and I was scared to start looking for me.
But, in a real dark place even the smallest light shines.
You might be scared of your life, but
I'm gonna get on with mine.
There's a spiritual pain in having to start every day
reminding myself of the chain:
We're all just links and we got to add on to be strong.
Because I know who I want to be and who I am.
I might not be him always
but I'm gonna worry bout right now.
Now I know that it's gonna be alright
this is a message to get me to keep on holding tight.
When the lights go down in the city
and the sun shines on the bay
It'll be a beautiful morning when I say
"Today I'm gonna do me.
No excuses, not a victim
and if they can't handle that then the fuck with them
Now I know there's a brighter day
Now i can see that I'm gonna be okay."

Carbon-Copy Katie.

Church every Sunday
with your farm-hand husband
praying you wont end up like she did
miserable, like she is.
You don't wanna be
a carbon-copy Katie
a broken record baby
you could be happy maybe
if your dreams would just come true
you do your work
everyday swallow your emotions
and tuck them away
it's not easy to be your own girl
it could be worth a shot, go on
give it a whirl!
You don't wanna be a
carbon-copy Katie
you wanna see that wheel of Karma turn
it's not enough to stand against the wind.
Take the past and let it burn again
across the sea you run to a new town
maybe this place'll really fit
turns out your burning wasn't enough
the ashes lie where they sit
get up start another round
try to make sense of it.

S.O.I.

In the beginning there was:


In the end there was:
Your state of inebriation
was way past my state of affection
my best loves are divas
so please don't think
i don't know about boys that need attention
We were way past funny
through with smart
getting right into sexy
like a work of devoted art
everything was beautiful
so i couldn't see
that you had broken down all my boundaries
I'm sorry for being so late
but how could i anticipate
your state of inebriation
so beyond my level of affection
I know all about the human body
but yours was one i wanted to explore
dig through the thick to see what makes you tick
and find out who you are
I've been down that road before
with somebody who loves his image more
than anything in this great wide world
and i know that that's not the way to get your wings unfurled
my heart stops
my mind starts
and my heart beats
you couldn't be the one
I'm meant to meet
i guess this is what
keepin' on means
cuz baby, maybe it's only a dream

You're not man enough for me

You have a lotta need

To show me a lotta love

You wanna be brazen and bold

You wanna have all the love that you were told

In the fairy tales and the stories of old

There’s a sunrise after the dark night

And the guy always get’s the “girl”

You need to see however

That though what you want is nothing to be ashamed of

You aren’t man enough for me

Sure you look the part

But that’s only half the battle my young man

I know that you look around you

And see an abundance of relationships that you’re heart wants

But the heart doesn’t always sync with the head

And those stories about throwing caution to the wind

Were written by men who were too bashful to be brazen and bold

You’re not man enough for me

And if you’re not hearing me let me say it louder:

"I’m running through a fight

With bullets in the air

I’m dodging left and right

And your life isn’t my care

I’ve got a loaded gun pointed at you, see

And you’re the aim in my eye

If you’re dumb enough to follow me

You’re dumb enough to die"

11-2-10 Sitting next to Danny on the couch. Scribbled on sticky-notes

At the end of the storm
there is a calm
these feelings will ebb
and there will be a sunrise
a cool breeze that smells of sweetly saturated rain
a damn world receives only that which it can hold


After the glitter fades
after the magic wears off
You'll see with wanton eyes
you'll see with a former view
though what you see is new
the world has dealt with it before
this hand has been played
this game has been won
before you ever stepped on the stage


Consider for a moment
the possibility that your key
does not open this door
and perhaps this door is closed
so that you could open others


It takes conviction and balls
to follow your own path
to be true to thine self
to step off what you've known
and into a bottomless infinity
these things we do we don't timidly
because without belief
our eyes close tiredly
so into a new world I step
on to a new path, yet again


"Everybody, they love a winner
so nobody loved me.
Lady Peaceful, Lady Happy that's what I long to be.
All the odds are, they're in my favor.
Something's bound to begin
It's gonna happen, happen some time.
Maybe this time I'll win!"