Smoothly Spoken

Today was the first beautiful day of 2010. The sky wasn't clear, but the temp was immaculate. I slept until 4:30 because I work graveyard tonight. Cleaning, stocking, and following the beeps. Got laundry going and I've decided I need to do dishes. That's the first hurdle, admitting it. Alli and I have been seriously discussing moving in together. We've both got shitty living situations, and we both want a house. I especially want a dog. I haven't lived with one for four years and I'm really not liking it. I've decided that my best option at the moment is to return to school and pursue a nursing degree. Haven't told people yet. David Sedaris was right, I find it impossible to write without a cigarette. Times as they stand are considerably more difficult than they have been. I'm going through a lot of changes with my job, things I can't put on the internet, though I wish I could. When I move on, I'll post everything. Allegedly. My neighbors play music so loud that it vibrates my walls. Not good music. Mariachi shit that makes me fear I'll tympanically hemorrhage. This occurs around mid night. I've been the nice person a few times and asked them to turn it down when I have to work in the AM, but they continue to blast it. Upside? I'm learning Spanish.
My new favorite tune is Jason Mraz: Gypsy MC
Nick Simmons is gorgeous


Today was the type of day you spend walking outside with a 40.



xx
Natey

Gay Triage

Patient 1: Patient is a white male 23 years of age. Patient arrived at 0115 to BAR. Presents with mystifying green eyes, solid sense of humor, bright smile that could land planes at O'Hare, and a wonderful ability to make everything better. Patient reports no pain, but loss is not so easily disguised. VS: within normal limits, however euphoria seems to take over cognition. Patient requires extensive baggage removal, two martinis, and unending support. Will continue to monitor.

Patient 2: Patient is a white male 20 years of age. Patient arrived at 2232 to BAR. Presents with multiple wounds the heart, ego, and self-esteem. Patient states, "I just never get what I want. Am I ugly? I'm too fat. It's alright, you don't have to agree with me, I know." 2250 Doctor Johnson called for psyche consult. Patient referred to Psychiatric Care.

Patient 3: 0335 Patient is a black female 24 years of age. Presents with severe abdominal discomfort accompanied by emesis and occasional vertigo. Orders for pushed fluids and and hair follicle restraint implemented. Patient Hx would suggest an extended period of drinking followed by periods of black-out. Patient has been ignored by family for 10 years, and has attempted to execute a series of short-lived relationships. Currently, she is living with a woman 23 years her senior in an attempt to feel love and adoration. 0950 Patient refused care and retreated to a gin joint in her leather jacket. Discharge papers signed, "Mommy issues."

Patient 4: 1545 Patient is a latino male 22 years of age. Presents with severe confusion and disorientation. Unable to obtain accurate VS due to heart beating out of chest. S/S of increased anxiety and irrational fear. Doctor Haden ordered 1 box trojan condoms, 10 count, and one bottle WET lube. Patient given medication per doctors order and discharged with instruction to, "Kick up your heels and fuck!"


xoxo
natey

Toaster Clarification

Way back in the day, when you opened a new account at a bank, or an insurance company, you would receive a gift. Often this token of the capitalist systems gratitude was a toaster.

In the Community, often you will find people who have come out with the assistance of another. Usually either a fairy that wants to fuck you, or a seemingly well-adjusted lesbian. When these people assist others to better know a cock-or-vag, they gain what is called a "toaster"

Please consider the following scenario:

Lesbian A, lives down the hall in the dorm from Straight Girl B. (Feesh Lover)
Lesbian A introduces herself to Feesh Lover and they become the best of friends. Bonding over sad songs and similar collegiate problems.
Lesbian A comes out to Feesh Lover and they become even closer.
Lesbian A comes on to Feesh Lover at a drunken Saturday night house party.
Feesh lover wakes up the next morning and calls her best friend from high school who went to a Christian College.
Feesh lover struggles over her sexuality for days, and doesn't speak to our beloved Lesbian A during this time.
Feesh Lover sends Lesbian A a very telling and emotional Facebook Message.
Lesbian A rushes to Feesh Lover's room in the middle of the night, they do things.
Feesh lover get's a tattoo and declares herself Lesbian B.

Lesbian A has gained a toaster.

Hopefully this clarifies things for you chillun who don't understand us "old broads"

xoxo
Nate

5 anonymous messages to people on line.

So my friend spilled soda on my lap top keyboard. Getting a space is like watching a full episode of StarTrek, hard to do

.

1. I've crushed on you since I saw you my Freshman year at a house party in Ames. You were there with your harem of followers and your best friend. At first I thought you two were together, but then saw your friends boyfriend, and learned better. I still stalk you all the time. I still think you're beautiful.

2. You know me better than anyone else on this planet. We're going through some stuff in our relationship right now,but we'll get through it. It's not over, just a dry spell. Every couple experiences lesbian bed death once or twice. No worries beb.

3. I've listened to your music forever. I love the way you sing, the way you write,and the way you perform. I'm just captivated by your presence. And when I figured out Lindsay knew you, well then I had to hunt you down. Thankfully, I was, and continue to be impressed.

4. When I first met you, I thought you were very sweet and naive. I've learned that you are very sweet, but naive you aren't. You've gotten me into more shit than I care to relive and saved me when I needed it. I love you, very much.

5. What was three weeks to the rest of the world was a lifetime to us.

Schwasted

Jack, Johnnie, Jimmy, and Jose all fucked us before we got to this party.

12.27.09, early

I've demolished the idea of having a sleeping pattern. Some days I'm lucky to grab a few hours. Others, like today, I sleep 16 hours straight, without stirring once. Either I have a disorder, or I'm incredibly lazy. Naturally, I'd like to blame a disorder.

Schloemer xmas tomorrow in Geneva, starts at noon. As of now, It's still snowing, and the roads were quite slippery tonight when I came home. Hopefully I wont end up in a ditch with my family.

I've had my new laptop for three days and I have Ten days worth of music on it. I wasn't able to download my old iTunes purchases. Which irritates me, being as i bought them. Dear iTunes, you suck. Revise your policy.

I passed my Med Aide class. Need to complete a few more clinical hours and then I'll be done and certified. It remains a nice promotion.

The apartment is a horrendous mess. I'm going to force myself to clean here soon, probably. Maybe.

It's impossible for me to string together a coherent thought longer than two or three sentences, so I'll stop now. Folding laundry and working on kicking this cold's ass. Hopefully to Iowa City soon. Need a recharge.

Sex, Love, and Fucking

Sex isn't just sweat and an exchange of fluids. Sex can mean so much more, or sensationally, so much less.

Sex can mean hello. Fiercely fast and unemotional. Dripping with curiosity and the fervor of discovery.
Sex can mean goodbye. One last shot at holding on to ten years of devotion. Silence breaking in where screams once stood. Ten thousand paper cuts bleeding out painfully.
Sex can mean I love you. A tooth paste kiss leading to me mounting you on the sink. Your head banging against the mirror, legs wrapped around Me. Hungrily clinging to one another in mad passion that only thought can describe. Your arms needing to hold Me, while my lips must melt into yours.
Sex can mean red hot critical mass. Up like a redwood lasting for hours. Coming once, twice, then three times until you collapse, thoroughly spent and tired. Falling asleep with him still inside you.
Sex can be inappropriate. Vigorous fear of being found out. Knowing what feels right is wrong. If only for the moment, letting yourself go with tactile abandon with the rush of hormonal adrenaline. Forgetting that you are fucking yourself rather than truck number ten thousand.
Sex can remind you that you're alive. When hands flush and tingle. Fingertips igniting sparks on skin that erupt into uncontrollable flames.a forest fire as hot as hell telling you that today is all there is. That this world is too much to worry about how you're surviving in it.
Sex can be a declaration. Announcing to yourself and the great wide universe that you'll do whatever the fuck you want, when you want to do it. Forget 'em if they can't handle our kind. Leaving the deniers behind to forge a brave new existence.
Sex can be a dire contradiction. Grinding unabashedly on one thinking of another. The question of who you came across the one in your bed or the one in your head. Haunting you stiffly.

Life's problems, like good soup, always better the second day

If you want him
Go and find him
Tell him he's your only need
Be the boy he needs to play with
Be the man he longs to hold
If in your heart
You start to find
He is always on your mind
It won't be long 'till you feel
What the night has to reveal
Men will run from one to the next
Without crying, remorse,or regrets
We build up walls to guard our hearts
Telling ourselves, "you're being so smart"
But safe don't make for a very good scene
If the only one watching your ass
Is the mirror
Those border lines are getting much clearer
So you stray away
From your fake feeling path
Say you yourself there's no going back
You're on this track
There's a hard line
Between love and fucking
Trying to prove
What exactly is a mystery
Best left to the gods


"I'm dreaming
So come inside
Welcome to my
Filthy mind"

Beautiful Disaster

I'm not pretty like your last boyfriend
And I'm not clever like the one before him
I've got my flaws you say you love them all
And when I can tell you're lying you smile like a creepy doll

Please don't be awkward when we break up
I'm sure the next boy will be a "great fuck"
We've cut each other so deep we'll bleed for the rest of our lives
The truths in the cards and we weren't meant to be wives

The next boy could be the diamond you need
Strong, unbending, easy to read
But what's the fun in knowing the future
When you break the skin you still need a suture

Our arrangement isn't for the faint of heart
Because sometimes when we sing you forget your part
I'll compensate, elaborate, and concentrate
I think I'd get the same rise if I masturbate

The good, the bad, and the gay

Recently I've been trying to be more aware of my surroundings, where I am in life, and how I can get where I want to go without losing my mind. A lot of really shitty things have happened recently.
1. I herniated two fibrocartilage discs in my back lifting a resident off the floor at work. It really hurts, more so because the herniations are pushing on my sciatic nerve, which means that the entirety of my right leg is in agony a lot. My surgeon wants to do surgery (haha) but as I can't afford it at the moment, I'm stuck living with the pain. The 10 daily percocet that i've been taking to stifle the white hot anger in my body are starting to no longer have an affect. Which means not only is my back broken, but i'm developing a dependency on opiates. *start the ziggy marley song*

2. I'm starting to fall off the cliff again on my school work. I'm pretty caught up, and really am trying to force myself to do it, but it's so dilly-damn difficult. Problem is, I can't pinpoint why i have such a problem focusing and getting myself to do the work. I don't think i have any more ADD than the next boy, but it becoming an ever more present possibility.

3. Today the front bumper fell off my car, Wilma. Thankfully my little brother is much more mechanical than I am, and he was able to secure it back on with zip-ties. Love my brudder.

4. Somebody teach me how to save money. I don't have that many things, I don't spend it on prostitutes, but somehow it seems to disappear faster than America's Next Top Model.

5. My Cable got shut off today because I couldn't pay the bill, which means that I'll miss my shows for at least another week, probably more. What ever will i do without the Real Housewives of New York City?

I'm not bitching, as much as I'm trying to find perspective and be okay with my current situation. A good Lesbi-friend of mine once told me that "The Universe's objective is to keep you down and make you feel pain. Only by being one resiliant mother fucker can you get that bitch off your back."

There are still good things in my days for me to focus on. I just need to make it a point to focus on them.

1. I'm still employed.
2. I have very good people only a phone call away
3. I still get to be in the know regarding gayopolis.
4. Between a class and a Lab today I was rummaging through a box of old college things. I found a present that a great friend gave me a couple years back. It's a keep-sake box with pictures of a group of friends and myself all over it. I smiled for hours on that one.

Also, It's legal for the faeries and the butches to get married now. How wonderful!
I can only hope that it doesn't get stripped away from us. This is victim-ish speech, i know, but the truth of the matter is, it can so easily be turned upside down, that I fear it's going to take even more work than it took to get the case heard, to keep our rights.
And come on, Legalizing same-sex marriage is one of the brightest things that Iowa can do. Most people think that Iowa is a bunch of red-neck hillbillies driving 'round in their ford pick up trucks wrustlin' hogs and growin' corn. If there's an in-pour of Queer into this state, we could be put on the map. There's lots of land for beautiful houses, Huge potential for pottery barn, and Lord knows Iowans like to eat, restaurants!

I really do have to get back to work, lots of things due for the online classes.

In closing, Queers: Come to the corn state and get yurself hitched up right and proper
Universe: be nicer to me, i'm in a fragile state
I also need help with what to do with my hair.

The Pond

Vulnerable and permeable
floating on a pond of loneliness
me and all the other undesired fools
we feel sorry for one another
but, we're never able to see each other
it's true and cruel, to never know the rules
be advised
I'm not trying to say
that I know anymore today
than you or her
that bused slut that you chose over me
so I'll just say what I need to say
starting now, i feel cold again
I'll start rebuilding these walls
and you won't feel the pain
like I do every day
it never goes away like a switch
you turn on and off i have two extremes:
Happy
In love
or sad
and floating on that pond
of loneliness and heart break
Where you cry yourself to sleep
I'm alone at night
I need to hear you breathe
just call me
So I can hear you breathe
give me one last night of sleep
remember when I'd be so damn dog tired you'd meet me at my door
Like no one before, I'd tell you today
our nights helped me get through the day
That's what I'll miss the most
no one knows I'm sleeping with your ghost

When the day comes
and the sun shines, too bright for my red eyes
i get up, and start up, move right through my day
for a moment, you stand in my way
But another man
with chocolate hands
folds me up, rolls me out.
For one night, I don't float on
that pond of lonely people
where I hide my pain
I'm relearning my worth, and I hope that you know:
that busted-ass ho of a piece of strange tranny-trick
you picked over me
is carrying baggage, stank, and STDs
bitch prob'ly has fleas in that cheap Wal*Mart Weave
not to mention the ghono-syphi-herpl-aids she got goin' on
I guarantee yo' ass she finna inflict change on ya
I bet she gon' fire on ev'ry detail
readin' yo fucked up ass from top to
motha' fuckin bottom!
You think she gon' feel it when you cry?
Think she finna' bring you a tissue?
No, No baby boy, she gon' take issue
when you come home high
lookin' to get 'tween her cottage cheese thighs
you ain't gettin' past the gate
and that's when you flip through the cell phone
and call up nate
Thinking Its gonna be on
well, honey, I'm floatin' on a sea of Lonely
and your black ass can't swim!

Sectioned understanding

I used to smile
be full of life
laugh often and loud
i was surrounded by people
now I'm tethered to a dock
bobbing in the water
tied up by an unknown
that tastes terrible
like a deutsch children's show
written by a latina
my scenes are disjointed
and difficult to watch
i sweat for the oldies
i struggle through advancement
and battle my demons
things aren't so different now
i just used to smile

10 to 1 he wants to be your friend
and chances are he'll leave you in the end
when he does
I guess I'll be here
Because it doesn't appear I've anywhere to go
He looks at the world in a different way
and i bet you think you'll see better days
open up your eyes child
See whats in front of your face
If you want to surround yourself in glory
someones gotta train you for the race
Do you think he'll wonder where you are at night
and when your not home will he sleep at all
You know I fell hard
and I remember what you said
but I'm afraid I missed my chance
because of all the things I hadn't said
We would have been a great team
like none our time had seen
though with heart and fire and strength
A Capitan Planet of Power Couples.
I hope sludge gets dumped on your house

Bring me down to size
make me feel alive
argue with me till i admit it and see your point
you're adorable when fired up
it's the only reason i still piss with you
well that,
and I've been writing this set of letters
in linear form
but in no particular form at all
both because I'm lazy
plus, it allows me to use my voice
to let myself have bad days still
and not entirely fall apart
so here's to you
and your demanding that I own my shit
Here's to you and your damned attitudes
Nothing can just be
everything must be dissected, understood
too bad we can't all be like you
some of us must feel this world
in attempt to interpret it
non-scientific, I admit
but worth a fine argument.

Up up and away