My Best Dress

Boys break unevenly and Gurls revel in their charms

Smoke swirls ‘round this crowded bar while I’m dancing in your arms

We decided not long ago to make a go of it

I let down my battered walls and showed you all my bullshit

Now I fear I’ve not far to fall till I hit solid ground

When I do I’ll break so big the pieces wont be found

I’m the wearer of many masks I rarely show my face

You have dealt so many cards this hole has found it’s ace

Sometimes you’re scared to talk to me afraid I might lash out

But my truth is in my emotions, they’re what I’m all about

As we’re dancing cheek to cheek there’s something I must confess

I knew that I’d find you, when I put on my best dress

This town has taken it’s toll on us so many souls you can’t trust

I got tangled up too tight and choked off with lust

Many women have tried to take me many men have had their chance

You got all of me tonight with just one dance

Your body fits right into mine you kiss me ‘till I melt

Your heart pounds in time with mine your hand undoes my belt

In the morning I might regret you who knows what the sun will bring

But the moon’s up now so who gives a damn I’m taking off my things

All across this big blue rock people claim they are the best

I knew that I’d find you when I put on my best dress

Debut Haus

My friend Allison and I decided to move in together a while ago. We both live in shit holes we call Gnome Homes. Every wall in my apt has 1969 wood paneling but one. This savior wall is covered in 1982 popular orange shag carpeting. Totally better than sheet rock. This wood paneling is 100% to blame for my current life problems. It's revolting, and I challenge the most well-adjusted queer to live a year in this place and not come out with a depressive disorder.

We looked at two places yesterday. A powder blue ranch that was atrosh and way too tiny, and then the Haus. It's huge. You walk up a classic porch off an angled exterior into the living room. Through the living room you enter a foyer. To your left is a family room, to your right the stairs leading to the second floor. The kitchen isn't enormous, but doesn't feel tight. The natural lighting in the house makes each room light up from the floor up. This reminds me of my parent's house. The bath is off of the kitchen, followed by a washroom and a the steps leading to the basement. The bath is average size and can accommodate two people comfortably. Washroom will fit a washer and dryer easily with room to spare. Basement isn't finished, but a typical Iowa basement. It'll do in a Twister.

Up the stairs to the 2nd floor, you see a small child-sized room painted blue. It will need to be repainted, but has plenty of light and will fit the munchkin well. Across the landing is the master bedroom. Large angular ceilings and windows on each wall. To the left and down a short hall is the secondary bedroom. A walk-closet, and not small. Do-able.

I'm not sure who's moving into the Master yet. It's affordable. I can have pets. I can smoke in the house, though I won't with the yungin 'round. 'Cuz I just cant.

My roomate is great. We share the same sense of humor, and over all view of the world. We have similar goals and similar interests. IE, We're good friends, and I'm uber excited.



I'm concerned about a friend of mine. He's been cruising the ManHunt lately trolling for 3-somes. He's using it as a sociological experiment, so far, but I fear he'll end up getting into "Mommy and Daughter" role play soon.

I really want a dog. I've lived without one for 5 years, and I miss it lots and lots. Logic isn't really applicable here.

I've got to clean and pack today. Let's see if that happens.

xoxo
Natey

Blue

On Monday Alli and I are going to look at a 2-bedroom ranch. I'm hoping we fall in love with it at first sight, but I don't want to get my hopes up, as it's not often good to jump on your first prospect. This is something I had to learn the hard way. With living situations and people.
Alli's daughter will be living with us some of the time. It's been my long-standing opinion that children are awful. But this little girl is cute, polite, and brilliant. She looks like a Bodecelli angel, and she's in love with Lady GaGa. If I have to pick a kid to be okay with, I'm glad I got to pick this one.

Usually I don't warm up to people too easily. I'm generally a guarded and blunt person until you give me a reason to let you in, and even when that occurs, it takes me a bit. This is why I can count my friends on one hand. I don't mean to portray myself as mean spirited, I'm good at acting the part of a "nice" person, but that's what it is, an act. Born of my psyche and portrayed by my toothy smile.

I bring this up because recently I've been going through a lot of problems with people in my life. A very close friend and I haven't spoken in over two months. I'm not sure what started this silence, but it makes me very uncomfortable. I feel awkward trying to talk to her now, because I don't know that we can just pick up where we left off. Relationships, especially long-term relationships, go through ebbs and flows. It's natural and to be expected, that I knew, what I wasn't prepared for was how it makes me feel. I sort of feel like someone's died.

With that awkward situation comes another, but of my own doing. In the past 6 months, I have fallen crazy hard for two different people. Beyond my usual two-week-crush thing. I made a decision about two years ago, that when/if I feel this strongly for someone, it's better to be honest about it, at least with myself. However, I feel I've made a mistake. I took being honest too far, and admitted to both that I had strong feelings for them. I knew from the get that neither would reciprocate my feelings, but I confessed them anyway. Both, of course, were wonderful about it, and let me down easy, and we still talk all the time. But, I can't help feeling sad for myself.

It's crazy to think I'll never find love, I know this, but crazy is in my blood. It's so hard to shake feelings of inadequacy. I just keep repeating to myself "don't judge your insides by other people's outsides" Fucking bullshit is what that is...but bullshit is all I got.



I'm an overly sensitive boy
The day is just beginning
but for me, it's the end of the night.
Sweet dreams, and beautiful night mares

xoxo
natey

Smoothly Spoken

Today was the first beautiful day of 2010. The sky wasn't clear, but the temp was immaculate. I slept until 4:30 because I work graveyard tonight. Cleaning, stocking, and following the beeps. Got laundry going and I've decided I need to do dishes. That's the first hurdle, admitting it. Alli and I have been seriously discussing moving in together. We've both got shitty living situations, and we both want a house. I especially want a dog. I haven't lived with one for four years and I'm really not liking it. I've decided that my best option at the moment is to return to school and pursue a nursing degree. Haven't told people yet. David Sedaris was right, I find it impossible to write without a cigarette. Times as they stand are considerably more difficult than they have been. I'm going through a lot of changes with my job, things I can't put on the internet, though I wish I could. When I move on, I'll post everything. Allegedly. My neighbors play music so loud that it vibrates my walls. Not good music. Mariachi shit that makes me fear I'll tympanically hemorrhage. This occurs around mid night. I've been the nice person a few times and asked them to turn it down when I have to work in the AM, but they continue to blast it. Upside? I'm learning Spanish.
My new favorite tune is Jason Mraz: Gypsy MC
Nick Simmons is gorgeous


Today was the type of day you spend walking outside with a 40.



xx
Natey

Gay Triage

Patient 1: Patient is a white male 23 years of age. Patient arrived at 0115 to BAR. Presents with mystifying green eyes, solid sense of humor, bright smile that could land planes at O'Hare, and a wonderful ability to make everything better. Patient reports no pain, but loss is not so easily disguised. VS: within normal limits, however euphoria seems to take over cognition. Patient requires extensive baggage removal, two martinis, and unending support. Will continue to monitor.

Patient 2: Patient is a white male 20 years of age. Patient arrived at 2232 to BAR. Presents with multiple wounds the heart, ego, and self-esteem. Patient states, "I just never get what I want. Am I ugly? I'm too fat. It's alright, you don't have to agree with me, I know." 2250 Doctor Johnson called for psyche consult. Patient referred to Psychiatric Care.

Patient 3: 0335 Patient is a black female 24 years of age. Presents with severe abdominal discomfort accompanied by emesis and occasional vertigo. Orders for pushed fluids and and hair follicle restraint implemented. Patient Hx would suggest an extended period of drinking followed by periods of black-out. Patient has been ignored by family for 10 years, and has attempted to execute a series of short-lived relationships. Currently, she is living with a woman 23 years her senior in an attempt to feel love and adoration. 0950 Patient refused care and retreated to a gin joint in her leather jacket. Discharge papers signed, "Mommy issues."

Patient 4: 1545 Patient is a latino male 22 years of age. Presents with severe confusion and disorientation. Unable to obtain accurate VS due to heart beating out of chest. S/S of increased anxiety and irrational fear. Doctor Haden ordered 1 box trojan condoms, 10 count, and one bottle WET lube. Patient given medication per doctors order and discharged with instruction to, "Kick up your heels and fuck!"


xoxo
natey

Toaster Clarification

Way back in the day, when you opened a new account at a bank, or an insurance company, you would receive a gift. Often this token of the capitalist systems gratitude was a toaster.

In the Community, often you will find people who have come out with the assistance of another. Usually either a fairy that wants to fuck you, or a seemingly well-adjusted lesbian. When these people assist others to better know a cock-or-vag, they gain what is called a "toaster"

Please consider the following scenario:

Lesbian A, lives down the hall in the dorm from Straight Girl B. (Feesh Lover)
Lesbian A introduces herself to Feesh Lover and they become the best of friends. Bonding over sad songs and similar collegiate problems.
Lesbian A comes out to Feesh Lover and they become even closer.
Lesbian A comes on to Feesh Lover at a drunken Saturday night house party.
Feesh lover wakes up the next morning and calls her best friend from high school who went to a Christian College.
Feesh lover struggles over her sexuality for days, and doesn't speak to our beloved Lesbian A during this time.
Feesh Lover sends Lesbian A a very telling and emotional Facebook Message.
Lesbian A rushes to Feesh Lover's room in the middle of the night, they do things.
Feesh lover get's a tattoo and declares herself Lesbian B.

Lesbian A has gained a toaster.

Hopefully this clarifies things for you chillun who don't understand us "old broads"

xoxo
Nate

5 anonymous messages to people on line.

So my friend spilled soda on my lap top keyboard. Getting a space is like watching a full episode of StarTrek, hard to do

.

1. I've crushed on you since I saw you my Freshman year at a house party in Ames. You were there with your harem of followers and your best friend. At first I thought you two were together, but then saw your friends boyfriend, and learned better. I still stalk you all the time. I still think you're beautiful.

2. You know me better than anyone else on this planet. We're going through some stuff in our relationship right now,but we'll get through it. It's not over, just a dry spell. Every couple experiences lesbian bed death once or twice. No worries beb.

3. I've listened to your music forever. I love the way you sing, the way you write,and the way you perform. I'm just captivated by your presence. And when I figured out Lindsay knew you, well then I had to hunt you down. Thankfully, I was, and continue to be impressed.

4. When I first met you, I thought you were very sweet and naive. I've learned that you are very sweet, but naive you aren't. You've gotten me into more shit than I care to relive and saved me when I needed it. I love you, very much.

5. What was three weeks to the rest of the world was a lifetime to us.

Schwasted

Jack, Johnnie, Jimmy, and Jose all fucked us before we got to this party.

12.27.09, early

I've demolished the idea of having a sleeping pattern. Some days I'm lucky to grab a few hours. Others, like today, I sleep 16 hours straight, without stirring once. Either I have a disorder, or I'm incredibly lazy. Naturally, I'd like to blame a disorder.

Schloemer xmas tomorrow in Geneva, starts at noon. As of now, It's still snowing, and the roads were quite slippery tonight when I came home. Hopefully I wont end up in a ditch with my family.

I've had my new laptop for three days and I have Ten days worth of music on it. I wasn't able to download my old iTunes purchases. Which irritates me, being as i bought them. Dear iTunes, you suck. Revise your policy.

I passed my Med Aide class. Need to complete a few more clinical hours and then I'll be done and certified. It remains a nice promotion.

The apartment is a horrendous mess. I'm going to force myself to clean here soon, probably. Maybe.

It's impossible for me to string together a coherent thought longer than two or three sentences, so I'll stop now. Folding laundry and working on kicking this cold's ass. Hopefully to Iowa City soon. Need a recharge.

Sex, Love, and Fucking

Sex isn't just sweat and an exchange of fluids. Sex can mean so much more, or sensationally, so much less.

Sex can mean hello. Fiercely fast and unemotional. Dripping with curiosity and the fervor of discovery.
Sex can mean goodbye. One last shot at holding on to ten years of devotion. Silence breaking in where screams once stood. Ten thousand paper cuts bleeding out painfully.
Sex can mean I love you. A tooth paste kiss leading to me mounting you on the sink. Your head banging against the mirror, legs wrapped around Me. Hungrily clinging to one another in mad passion that only thought can describe. Your arms needing to hold Me, while my lips must melt into yours.
Sex can mean red hot critical mass. Up like a redwood lasting for hours. Coming once, twice, then three times until you collapse, thoroughly spent and tired. Falling asleep with him still inside you.
Sex can be inappropriate. Vigorous fear of being found out. Knowing what feels right is wrong. If only for the moment, letting yourself go with tactile abandon with the rush of hormonal adrenaline. Forgetting that you are fucking yourself rather than truck number ten thousand.
Sex can remind you that you're alive. When hands flush and tingle. Fingertips igniting sparks on skin that erupt into uncontrollable flames.a forest fire as hot as hell telling you that today is all there is. That this world is too much to worry about how you're surviving in it.
Sex can be a declaration. Announcing to yourself and the great wide universe that you'll do whatever the fuck you want, when you want to do it. Forget 'em if they can't handle our kind. Leaving the deniers behind to forge a brave new existence.
Sex can be a dire contradiction. Grinding unabashedly on one thinking of another. The question of who you came across the one in your bed or the one in your head. Haunting you stiffly.

Life's problems, like good soup, always better the second day

If you want him
Go and find him
Tell him he's your only need
Be the boy he needs to play with
Be the man he longs to hold
If in your heart
You start to find
He is always on your mind
It won't be long 'till you feel
What the night has to reveal
Men will run from one to the next
Without crying, remorse,or regrets
We build up walls to guard our hearts
Telling ourselves, "you're being so smart"
But safe don't make for a very good scene
If the only one watching your ass
Is the mirror
Those border lines are getting much clearer
So you stray away
From your fake feeling path
Say you yourself there's no going back
You're on this track
There's a hard line
Between love and fucking
Trying to prove
What exactly is a mystery
Best left to the gods


"I'm dreaming
So come inside
Welcome to my
Filthy mind"

Beautiful Disaster

I'm not pretty like your last boyfriend
And I'm not clever like the one before him
I've got my flaws you say you love them all
And when I can tell you're lying you smile like a creepy doll

Please don't be awkward when we break up
I'm sure the next boy will be a "great fuck"
We've cut each other so deep we'll bleed for the rest of our lives
The truths in the cards and we weren't meant to be wives

The next boy could be the diamond you need
Strong, unbending, easy to read
But what's the fun in knowing the future
When you break the skin you still need a suture

Our arrangement isn't for the faint of heart
Because sometimes when we sing you forget your part
I'll compensate, elaborate, and concentrate
I think I'd get the same rise if I masturbate

The good, the bad, and the gay

Recently I've been trying to be more aware of my surroundings, where I am in life, and how I can get where I want to go without losing my mind. A lot of really shitty things have happened recently.
1. I herniated two fibrocartilage discs in my back lifting a resident off the floor at work. It really hurts, more so because the herniations are pushing on my sciatic nerve, which means that the entirety of my right leg is in agony a lot. My surgeon wants to do surgery (haha) but as I can't afford it at the moment, I'm stuck living with the pain. The 10 daily percocet that i've been taking to stifle the white hot anger in my body are starting to no longer have an affect. Which means not only is my back broken, but i'm developing a dependency on opiates. *start the ziggy marley song*

2. I'm starting to fall off the cliff again on my school work. I'm pretty caught up, and really am trying to force myself to do it, but it's so dilly-damn difficult. Problem is, I can't pinpoint why i have such a problem focusing and getting myself to do the work. I don't think i have any more ADD than the next boy, but it becoming an ever more present possibility.

3. Today the front bumper fell off my car, Wilma. Thankfully my little brother is much more mechanical than I am, and he was able to secure it back on with zip-ties. Love my brudder.

4. Somebody teach me how to save money. I don't have that many things, I don't spend it on prostitutes, but somehow it seems to disappear faster than America's Next Top Model.

5. My Cable got shut off today because I couldn't pay the bill, which means that I'll miss my shows for at least another week, probably more. What ever will i do without the Real Housewives of New York City?

I'm not bitching, as much as I'm trying to find perspective and be okay with my current situation. A good Lesbi-friend of mine once told me that "The Universe's objective is to keep you down and make you feel pain. Only by being one resiliant mother fucker can you get that bitch off your back."

There are still good things in my days for me to focus on. I just need to make it a point to focus on them.

1. I'm still employed.
2. I have very good people only a phone call away
3. I still get to be in the know regarding gayopolis.
4. Between a class and a Lab today I was rummaging through a box of old college things. I found a present that a great friend gave me a couple years back. It's a keep-sake box with pictures of a group of friends and myself all over it. I smiled for hours on that one.

Also, It's legal for the faeries and the butches to get married now. How wonderful!
I can only hope that it doesn't get stripped away from us. This is victim-ish speech, i know, but the truth of the matter is, it can so easily be turned upside down, that I fear it's going to take even more work than it took to get the case heard, to keep our rights.
And come on, Legalizing same-sex marriage is one of the brightest things that Iowa can do. Most people think that Iowa is a bunch of red-neck hillbillies driving 'round in their ford pick up trucks wrustlin' hogs and growin' corn. If there's an in-pour of Queer into this state, we could be put on the map. There's lots of land for beautiful houses, Huge potential for pottery barn, and Lord knows Iowans like to eat, restaurants!

I really do have to get back to work, lots of things due for the online classes.

In closing, Queers: Come to the corn state and get yurself hitched up right and proper
Universe: be nicer to me, i'm in a fragile state
I also need help with what to do with my hair.