Debut Haus

My friend Allison and I decided to move in together a while ago. We both live in shit holes we call Gnome Homes. Every wall in my apt has 1969 wood paneling but one. This savior wall is covered in 1982 popular orange shag carpeting. Totally better than sheet rock. This wood paneling is 100% to blame for my current life problems. It's revolting, and I challenge the most well-adjusted queer to live a year in this place and not come out with a depressive disorder.

We looked at two places yesterday. A powder blue ranch that was atrosh and way too tiny, and then the Haus. It's huge. You walk up a classic porch off an angled exterior into the living room. Through the living room you enter a foyer. To your left is a family room, to your right the stairs leading to the second floor. The kitchen isn't enormous, but doesn't feel tight. The natural lighting in the house makes each room light up from the floor up. This reminds me of my parent's house. The bath is off of the kitchen, followed by a washroom and a the steps leading to the basement. The bath is average size and can accommodate two people comfortably. Washroom will fit a washer and dryer easily with room to spare. Basement isn't finished, but a typical Iowa basement. It'll do in a Twister.

Up the stairs to the 2nd floor, you see a small child-sized room painted blue. It will need to be repainted, but has plenty of light and will fit the munchkin well. Across the landing is the master bedroom. Large angular ceilings and windows on each wall. To the left and down a short hall is the secondary bedroom. A walk-closet, and not small. Do-able.

I'm not sure who's moving into the Master yet. It's affordable. I can have pets. I can smoke in the house, though I won't with the yungin 'round. 'Cuz I just cant.

My roomate is great. We share the same sense of humor, and over all view of the world. We have similar goals and similar interests. IE, We're good friends, and I'm uber excited.



I'm concerned about a friend of mine. He's been cruising the ManHunt lately trolling for 3-somes. He's using it as a sociological experiment, so far, but I fear he'll end up getting into "Mommy and Daughter" role play soon.

I really want a dog. I've lived without one for 5 years, and I miss it lots and lots. Logic isn't really applicable here.

I've got to clean and pack today. Let's see if that happens.

xoxo
Natey

Blue

On Monday Alli and I are going to look at a 2-bedroom ranch. I'm hoping we fall in love with it at first sight, but I don't want to get my hopes up, as it's not often good to jump on your first prospect. This is something I had to learn the hard way. With living situations and people.
Alli's daughter will be living with us some of the time. It's been my long-standing opinion that children are awful. But this little girl is cute, polite, and brilliant. She looks like a Bodecelli angel, and she's in love with Lady GaGa. If I have to pick a kid to be okay with, I'm glad I got to pick this one.

Usually I don't warm up to people too easily. I'm generally a guarded and blunt person until you give me a reason to let you in, and even when that occurs, it takes me a bit. This is why I can count my friends on one hand. I don't mean to portray myself as mean spirited, I'm good at acting the part of a "nice" person, but that's what it is, an act. Born of my psyche and portrayed by my toothy smile.

I bring this up because recently I've been going through a lot of problems with people in my life. A very close friend and I haven't spoken in over two months. I'm not sure what started this silence, but it makes me very uncomfortable. I feel awkward trying to talk to her now, because I don't know that we can just pick up where we left off. Relationships, especially long-term relationships, go through ebbs and flows. It's natural and to be expected, that I knew, what I wasn't prepared for was how it makes me feel. I sort of feel like someone's died.

With that awkward situation comes another, but of my own doing. In the past 6 months, I have fallen crazy hard for two different people. Beyond my usual two-week-crush thing. I made a decision about two years ago, that when/if I feel this strongly for someone, it's better to be honest about it, at least with myself. However, I feel I've made a mistake. I took being honest too far, and admitted to both that I had strong feelings for them. I knew from the get that neither would reciprocate my feelings, but I confessed them anyway. Both, of course, were wonderful about it, and let me down easy, and we still talk all the time. But, I can't help feeling sad for myself.

It's crazy to think I'll never find love, I know this, but crazy is in my blood. It's so hard to shake feelings of inadequacy. I just keep repeating to myself "don't judge your insides by other people's outsides" Fucking bullshit is what that is...but bullshit is all I got.



I'm an overly sensitive boy
The day is just beginning
but for me, it's the end of the night.
Sweet dreams, and beautiful night mares

xoxo
natey