Iffin it’s in a dress, and wearing enough face paint to recreate a van Gough, you can call it a she. Tip her well and compliment her on how she looks. Yes, we all know she’s lip syncing Britney Spears. You’re supposed to ignore that and be dazed and confused by the millions of sequins.
Iffin it’s wearin a shirt, tie, and a bowler hat, you can call it a He. Remember honey, it might look like a man, but you get down into those skivvies and you’re gonna find some silicone. Up top you’re prolly gonna find a tight ace wrap.
It helps to start drinking the moment you walk in the door. If you think this doesn’t make sense to you, and you feel uncomfortable, remember that it doesn’t makes sense to us either. That’s why we drink. The rest of us are a schwasted mess because we’ve learned this lesson already.
The lesbian at the bar with five drinks in her hand is buying for her underage friends. If you bump into her and spill something, you best be prepared to buy another round, or you’re gonna have very angry gaybies snapping at your heels, and thirsty young queers bite.
That old man sitting at the end of the bar wearing a coat and 300 dollar jeans chatting up the bar tender is the “bar Bitch” In his younger days he was hot and fucked many a boy, now he’s just irritable and bitchy. Stay away from him unless you wanna get told the twelve million things that are wrong with you.
If you tip the bartender well, you will get better service and better drinks. They’re only acting uninterested in you because they are. They probably have a headache and are NOT looking forward to cleaning up the bar after you have drug your happy ass home.
Do not worry about people of the same sex hitting on you. If you’re not interested, that’s fine. You can say no thank you and walk away. If you’re hung up and worried about people of the same sex hitting on you, get the fuck out of the bar and go drink with the red necks.
The kid with his shirt off and hands above his head swinging around the dance floor is on an entirely different planet. Try to avoid bumping into him, he’s prolly gonna fall over. If he dances with you, girate for a moment and move on, it’s in your best interest.
Now if you’re standing outside the bathroom and it’s been five minutes, bang three times real hard and say, “Cum already you trashy piece of shit.”
The lesbians will be divided up into Polo shirts and dresses, the gay boys into scarves and t-shirts. Now, they’ll mix if one is fucking the other, but rarely will they be fucking each other. Don’t try to wrap your mind around sex yet, it’s early.
If you go outside to smoke, you’re gonna see some shit. Be prepared. I can’t begin to embellish on what’s out there, but don’t make eye contact. If a 7 foot tall thing in a wig is screaming at someone, and their face happens to be REAL thick, it’s prolly a Cass, and that’s a whole load of crazy you don’t wanna get into.
At the end of the night, there will more than likely be a large man or woman yelling at you to get out of the bar. Understand that S/he wants to go home and is sick and tired of looking at your drunk ass. Bottoms up and out ya go. If you’re lucky you found something to keep ya warm that night. If not, you’re drunk and have more than likely ingested a few things that you’ll regret the next mornion.
LoveLust and Fairydust,
You're fairygodfather
