Recently I've been trying to be more aware of my surroundings, where I am in life, and how I can get where I want to go without losing my mind. A lot of really shitty things have happened recently.
1. I herniated two fibrocartilage discs in my back lifting a resident off the floor at work. It really hurts, more so because the herniations are pushing on my sciatic nerve, which means that the entirety of my right leg is in agony a lot. My surgeon wants to do surgery (haha) but as I can't afford it at the moment, I'm stuck living with the pain. The 10 daily percocet that i've been taking to stifle the white hot anger in my body are starting to no longer have an affect. Which means not only is my back broken, but i'm developing a dependency on opiates. *start the ziggy marley song*
2. I'm starting to fall off the cliff again on my school work. I'm pretty caught up, and really am trying to force myself to do it, but it's so dilly-damn difficult. Problem is, I can't pinpoint why i have such a problem focusing and getting myself to do the work. I don't think i have any more ADD than the next boy, but it becoming an ever more present possibility.
3. Today the front bumper fell off my car, Wilma. Thankfully my little brother is much more mechanical than I am, and he was able to secure it back on with zip-ties. Love my brudder.
4. Somebody teach me how to save money. I don't have that many things, I don't spend it on prostitutes, but somehow it seems to disappear faster than America's Next Top Model.
5. My Cable got shut off today because I couldn't pay the bill, which means that I'll miss my shows for at least another week, probably more. What ever will i do without the Real Housewives of New York City?
I'm not bitching, as much as I'm trying to find perspective and be okay with my current situation. A good Lesbi-friend of mine once told me that "The Universe's objective is to keep you down and make you feel pain. Only by being one resiliant mother fucker can you get that bitch off your back."
There are still good things in my days for me to focus on. I just need to make it a point to focus on them.
1. I'm still employed.
2. I have very good people only a phone call away
3. I still get to be in the know regarding gayopolis.
4. Between a class and a Lab today I was rummaging through a box of old college things. I found a present that a great friend gave me a couple years back. It's a keep-sake box with pictures of a group of friends and myself all over it. I smiled for hours on that one.
Also, It's legal for the faeries and the butches to get married now. How wonderful!
I can only hope that it doesn't get stripped away from us. This is victim-ish speech, i know, but the truth of the matter is, it can so easily be turned upside down, that I fear it's going to take even more work than it took to get the case heard, to keep our rights.
And come on, Legalizing same-sex marriage is one of the brightest things that Iowa can do. Most people think that Iowa is a bunch of red-neck hillbillies driving 'round in their ford pick up trucks wrustlin' hogs and growin' corn. If there's an in-pour of Queer into this state, we could be put on the map. There's lots of land for beautiful houses, Huge potential for pottery barn, and Lord knows Iowans like to eat, restaurants!
I really do have to get back to work, lots of things due for the online classes.
In closing, Queers: Come to the corn state and get yurself hitched up right and proper
Universe: be nicer to me, i'm in a fragile state
I also need help with what to do with my hair.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The Pond
Vulnerable and permeable
floating on a pond of loneliness
me and all the other undesired fools
we feel sorry for one another
but, we're never able to see each other
it's true and cruel, to never know the rules
be advised
I'm not trying to say
that I know anymore today
than you or her
that bused slut that you chose over me
so I'll just say what I need to say
starting now, i feel cold again
I'll start rebuilding these walls
and you won't feel the pain
like I do every day
it never goes away like a switch
you turn on and off i have two extremes:
Happy
In love
or sad
and floating on that pond
of loneliness and heart break
Where you cry yourself to sleep
I'm alone at night
I need to hear you breathe
just call me
So I can hear you breathe
give me one last night of sleep
remember when I'd be so damn dog tired you'd meet me at my door
Like no one before, I'd tell you today
our nights helped me get through the day
That's what I'll miss the most
no one knows I'm sleeping with your ghost
When the day comes
and the sun shines, too bright for my red eyes
i get up, and start up, move right through my day
for a moment, you stand in my way
But another man
with chocolate hands
folds me up, rolls me out.
For one night, I don't float on
that pond of lonely people
where I hide my pain
I'm relearning my worth, and I hope that you know:
that busted-ass ho of a piece of strange tranny-trick
you picked over me
is carrying baggage, stank, and STDs
bitch prob'ly has fleas in that cheap Wal*Mart Weave
not to mention the ghono-syphi-herpl-aids she got goin' on
I guarantee yo' ass she finna inflict change on ya
I bet she gon' fire on ev'ry detail
readin' yo fucked up ass from top to
motha' fuckin bottom!
You think she gon' feel it when you cry?
Think she finna' bring you a tissue?
No, No baby boy, she gon' take issue
when you come home high
lookin' to get 'tween her cottage cheese thighs
you ain't gettin' past the gate
and that's when you flip through the cell phone
and call up nate
Thinking Its gonna be on
well, honey, I'm floatin' on a sea of Lonely
and your black ass can't swim!
floating on a pond of loneliness
me and all the other undesired fools
we feel sorry for one another
but, we're never able to see each other
it's true and cruel, to never know the rules
be advised
I'm not trying to say
that I know anymore today
than you or her
that bused slut that you chose over me
so I'll just say what I need to say
starting now, i feel cold again
I'll start rebuilding these walls
and you won't feel the pain
like I do every day
it never goes away like a switch
you turn on and off i have two extremes:
Happy
In love
or sad
and floating on that pond
of loneliness and heart break
Where you cry yourself to sleep
I'm alone at night
I need to hear you breathe
just call me
So I can hear you breathe
give me one last night of sleep
remember when I'd be so damn dog tired you'd meet me at my door
Like no one before, I'd tell you today
our nights helped me get through the day
That's what I'll miss the most
no one knows I'm sleeping with your ghost
When the day comes
and the sun shines, too bright for my red eyes
i get up, and start up, move right through my day
for a moment, you stand in my way
But another man
with chocolate hands
folds me up, rolls me out.
For one night, I don't float on
that pond of lonely people
where I hide my pain
I'm relearning my worth, and I hope that you know:
that busted-ass ho of a piece of strange tranny-trick
you picked over me
is carrying baggage, stank, and STDs
bitch prob'ly has fleas in that cheap Wal*Mart Weave
not to mention the ghono-syphi-herpl-aids she got goin' on
I guarantee yo' ass she finna inflict change on ya
I bet she gon' fire on ev'ry detail
readin' yo fucked up ass from top to
motha' fuckin bottom!
You think she gon' feel it when you cry?
Think she finna' bring you a tissue?
No, No baby boy, she gon' take issue
when you come home high
lookin' to get 'tween her cottage cheese thighs
you ain't gettin' past the gate
and that's when you flip through the cell phone
and call up nate
Thinking Its gonna be on
well, honey, I'm floatin' on a sea of Lonely
and your black ass can't swim!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Sectioned understanding
I used to smile
be full of life
laugh often and loud
i was surrounded by people
now I'm tethered to a dock
bobbing in the water
tied up by an unknown
that tastes terrible
like a deutsch children's show
written by a latina
my scenes are disjointed
and difficult to watch
i sweat for the oldies
i struggle through advancement
and battle my demons
things aren't so different now
i just used to smile
10 to 1 he wants to be your friend
and chances are he'll leave you in the end
when he does
I guess I'll be here
Because it doesn't appear I've anywhere to go
He looks at the world in a different way
and i bet you think you'll see better days
open up your eyes child
See whats in front of your face
If you want to surround yourself in glory
someones gotta train you for the race
Do you think he'll wonder where you are at night
and when your not home will he sleep at all
You know I fell hard
and I remember what you said
but I'm afraid I missed my chance
because of all the things I hadn't said
We would have been a great team
like none our time had seen
though with heart and fire and strength
A Capitan Planet of Power Couples.
I hope sludge gets dumped on your house
Bring me down to size
make me feel alive
argue with me till i admit it and see your point
you're adorable when fired up
it's the only reason i still piss with you
well that,
and I've been writing this set of letters
in linear form
but in no particular form at all
both because I'm lazy
plus, it allows me to use my voice
to let myself have bad days still
and not entirely fall apart
so here's to you
and your demanding that I own my shit
Here's to you and your damned attitudes
Nothing can just be
everything must be dissected, understood
too bad we can't all be like you
some of us must feel this world
in attempt to interpret it
non-scientific, I admit
but worth a fine argument.
be full of life
laugh often and loud
i was surrounded by people
now I'm tethered to a dock
bobbing in the water
tied up by an unknown
that tastes terrible
like a deutsch children's show
written by a latina
my scenes are disjointed
and difficult to watch
i sweat for the oldies
i struggle through advancement
and battle my demons
things aren't so different now
i just used to smile
10 to 1 he wants to be your friend
and chances are he'll leave you in the end
when he does
I guess I'll be here
Because it doesn't appear I've anywhere to go
He looks at the world in a different way
and i bet you think you'll see better days
open up your eyes child
See whats in front of your face
If you want to surround yourself in glory
someones gotta train you for the race
Do you think he'll wonder where you are at night
and when your not home will he sleep at all
You know I fell hard
and I remember what you said
but I'm afraid I missed my chance
because of all the things I hadn't said
We would have been a great team
like none our time had seen
though with heart and fire and strength
A Capitan Planet of Power Couples.
I hope sludge gets dumped on your house
Bring me down to size
make me feel alive
argue with me till i admit it and see your point
you're adorable when fired up
it's the only reason i still piss with you
well that,
and I've been writing this set of letters
in linear form
but in no particular form at all
both because I'm lazy
plus, it allows me to use my voice
to let myself have bad days still
and not entirely fall apart
so here's to you
and your demanding that I own my shit
Here's to you and your damned attitudes
Nothing can just be
everything must be dissected, understood
too bad we can't all be like you
some of us must feel this world
in attempt to interpret it
non-scientific, I admit
but worth a fine argument.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Cuz I toss, and I turn, and it doesn't feel right
I'm removing myself from your situation
And standing my ground
It'll Be hard without the infatuation
When your skin tight jeans come around
You drive all the boys crazy
And all the men wild
But does your heart have what it needs
Or will you stay pretty and mild?
It's not about your character
As if to convince yourself
It's all about your situation
As if there wasn't another time
When you could have chosen the life that follows the line
But even that doesn't connect
Bringing up the past is supposed to hurt when it's broken
But there's no pain
Maybe this is what I'm supposed to know
That in order to help you
My light has to fade to a glow
In order to manipulate a situation in such a way that a person will not die
I
Have to step back, think only of them
Grow from a shining leo to a dim glow
And yes, it is a growth to downgrade
And that growth is something I struggle with every day of my life
But when it is required of me
It comes naturally, effortlessly.
It's the easiest time I don't focus on me
So in the natural order of things, I don't believe we fit
But the severity of this problem isn't nearly as concrete
I will never be able to run from you
Even though we don't fit, we're two corner pieces
And they'll always start with us
And we'll always act as if we didn't know
I'm done darling
I can't lie about it anymore.
So I'm admitting it to myself
And cutting off my corner.
Mwah!
And standing my ground
It'll Be hard without the infatuation
When your skin tight jeans come around
You drive all the boys crazy
And all the men wild
But does your heart have what it needs
Or will you stay pretty and mild?
It's not about your character
As if to convince yourself
It's all about your situation
As if there wasn't another time
When you could have chosen the life that follows the line
But even that doesn't connect
Bringing up the past is supposed to hurt when it's broken
But there's no pain
Maybe this is what I'm supposed to know
That in order to help you
My light has to fade to a glow
In order to manipulate a situation in such a way that a person will not die
I
Have to step back, think only of them
Grow from a shining leo to a dim glow
And yes, it is a growth to downgrade
And that growth is something I struggle with every day of my life
But when it is required of me
It comes naturally, effortlessly.
It's the easiest time I don't focus on me
So in the natural order of things, I don't believe we fit
But the severity of this problem isn't nearly as concrete
I will never be able to run from you
Even though we don't fit, we're two corner pieces
And they'll always start with us
And we'll always act as if we didn't know
I'm done darling
I can't lie about it anymore.
So I'm admitting it to myself
And cutting off my corner.
Mwah!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
let's pretend
A teensy part of something i'm working on. eventually i'll put lots of life stages in it, i think. maybe.
love
"Let me pretend that you're my boyfriend
As long as you're in my bed, I can play with you in my head"
For as long as you're here
We've got more than one night, we've got forever.
This is our story
I'll ask you to move in with me on a Saturday night in august
I'll sing you a song about how much I love you and how much I want to share all of my life with you.
It will rhyme and describe you with affluent adjectives
You'll laugh, tell me how ridiculous I am, We'll fall to the ground kissing
You won't answer my question till the next morning
Because you had to think about it
You're damaged like that
I understand this, and you, being compelled by my overwhelming amount of understanding, will accept
Our first real fight will be over taking the dogs out
Your dog will constantly beat up my dog
Knowing it's not your fault, I'll bring it up anyway
I don't know why
:I'll leave angry
Clear my thoughts and come back
We'll say sorry
I'll cry and you'll tell me I'm the girl in the relationship
We wont have sex for…
Six hours
"Keep going," he said as he laid his hand on my chest
We'll have a wedding, swearing that it's not a wedding
Or a political statement
I'll dance with your mom
She'll threaten my life should I break your heart
And insist that she knows exactly how to dispose of my body
Then she'll have more Jose
Your sister will drink far too much
Forgetting her two screaming children and husband
While I hold her hair in the bathroom
She'll like me then
We're thinking of adopting someday
Probably a little Chinese girl
We'll name her after our mothers
A lesbian named SkyGrass or MoonTulip or something similar will be our surrogate
We'll move to a home with a front and back yard.
We'll fret over choosing an appropriate pre-school
We'll search out schools that claim to understand the 'body method'
We'll insist that our daughter is just as amazing in her own right as every child is
No less, no more
But then go on and on about her budding affinity for classical music
The first sleep over will be a nightmare
Her friends parents wont allow their daughter to spend the night in a gay men's house
She wont understand this
We wont know how to explain it
We'll call our parents to figure out how
And still won't be able to
We'll go on a Rosie Cruise from New York to Florida to show her how great gays are
A lesbian will inform us that she'll totally grow up to be a butch
We spend the rest of the cruise fighting about not putting her in enough pink when she was a baby
love
"Let me pretend that you're my boyfriend
As long as you're in my bed, I can play with you in my head"
For as long as you're here
We've got more than one night, we've got forever.
This is our story
I'll ask you to move in with me on a Saturday night in august
I'll sing you a song about how much I love you and how much I want to share all of my life with you.
It will rhyme and describe you with affluent adjectives
You'll laugh, tell me how ridiculous I am, We'll fall to the ground kissing
You won't answer my question till the next morning
Because you had to think about it
You're damaged like that
I understand this, and you, being compelled by my overwhelming amount of understanding, will accept
Our first real fight will be over taking the dogs out
Your dog will constantly beat up my dog
Knowing it's not your fault, I'll bring it up anyway
I don't know why
:I'll leave angry
Clear my thoughts and come back
We'll say sorry
I'll cry and you'll tell me I'm the girl in the relationship
We wont have sex for…
Six hours
"Keep going," he said as he laid his hand on my chest
We'll have a wedding, swearing that it's not a wedding
Or a political statement
I'll dance with your mom
She'll threaten my life should I break your heart
And insist that she knows exactly how to dispose of my body
Then she'll have more Jose
Your sister will drink far too much
Forgetting her two screaming children and husband
While I hold her hair in the bathroom
She'll like me then
We're thinking of adopting someday
Probably a little Chinese girl
We'll name her after our mothers
A lesbian named SkyGrass or MoonTulip or something similar will be our surrogate
We'll move to a home with a front and back yard.
We'll fret over choosing an appropriate pre-school
We'll search out schools that claim to understand the 'body method'
We'll insist that our daughter is just as amazing in her own right as every child is
No less, no more
But then go on and on about her budding affinity for classical music
The first sleep over will be a nightmare
Her friends parents wont allow their daughter to spend the night in a gay men's house
She wont understand this
We wont know how to explain it
We'll call our parents to figure out how
And still won't be able to
We'll go on a Rosie Cruise from New York to Florida to show her how great gays are
A lesbian will inform us that she'll totally grow up to be a butch
We spend the rest of the cruise fighting about not putting her in enough pink when she was a baby
Friday, September 12, 2008
what it is to have want
I can't flow today
My muses gone
I can't seem to tell the stories in my head
They're there in memories and observations
But I can't put them down right
Or right enough for me
I have no technique
I don't know if this is writer's block
Or a lack of inspiration
Or lack of internet
Classes started two weeks ago and it feels really weird not going to school
Lots of people keep texting me
I forget that they don't know
I haven't made an official facebook announcement
Nate is feeling awkward about taking a semester off
I miss college sometimes
And then remember how much I hated it
And dread going back in January
I'll be an RN in a little over two years hopefully
I'll be getting' good money made
But I'm still hoping to work back into the "movement" soon
I can't explain how much of an impact it's had on me
It defined my growth for the past three years.
More than that, it defined my social networks
I regret that part the most I think
Too many broken hearts because of business driving pleasure
I had a good cry about it a while ago.
At the time, I felt that the root of my problem extended from the people I surrounded myself with
They weren't people of my nature.
I was wrong, because they were attracted to the flashing lights just like I was
We just had different ways of getting there
And tried to mix them together
With booze, hard music, and fast living
Christ we were fabulous
It wasn't really the people I associated with
It was more about the way in which I associated with them.
I shouldn't have been so quick to become so close
The task now is
How not to let that have a strong effect on my future relationships.
The question becomes how to do that
And the test will be if I can be hurt again
My muses gone
I can't seem to tell the stories in my head
They're there in memories and observations
But I can't put them down right
Or right enough for me
I have no technique
I don't know if this is writer's block
Or a lack of inspiration
Or lack of internet
Classes started two weeks ago and it feels really weird not going to school
Lots of people keep texting me
I forget that they don't know
I haven't made an official facebook announcement
Nate is feeling awkward about taking a semester off
I miss college sometimes
And then remember how much I hated it
And dread going back in January
I'll be an RN in a little over two years hopefully
I'll be getting' good money made
But I'm still hoping to work back into the "movement" soon
I can't explain how much of an impact it's had on me
It defined my growth for the past three years.
More than that, it defined my social networks
I regret that part the most I think
Too many broken hearts because of business driving pleasure
I had a good cry about it a while ago.
At the time, I felt that the root of my problem extended from the people I surrounded myself with
They weren't people of my nature.
I was wrong, because they were attracted to the flashing lights just like I was
We just had different ways of getting there
And tried to mix them together
With booze, hard music, and fast living
Christ we were fabulous
It wasn't really the people I associated with
It was more about the way in which I associated with them.
I shouldn't have been so quick to become so close
The task now is
How not to let that have a strong effect on my future relationships.
The question becomes how to do that
And the test will be if I can be hurt again
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
