Up up and away

Cuz I toss, and I turn, and it doesn't feel right

I'm removing myself from your situation
And standing my ground
It'll Be hard without the infatuation
When your skin tight jeans come around
You drive all the boys crazy
And all the men wild
But does your heart have what it needs
Or will you stay pretty and mild?
It's not about your character
As if to convince yourself
It's all about your situation
As if there wasn't another time
When you could have chosen the life that follows the line
But even that doesn't connect
Bringing up the past is supposed to hurt when it's broken
But there's no pain
Maybe this is what I'm supposed to know
That in order to help you
My light has to fade to a glow
In order to manipulate a situation in such a way that a person will not die
I
Have to step back, think only of them
Grow from a shining leo to a dim glow
And yes, it is a growth to downgrade
And that growth is something I struggle with every day of my life
But when it is required of me
It comes naturally, effortlessly.
It's the easiest time I don't focus on me
So in the natural order of things, I don't believe we fit
But the severity of this problem isn't nearly as concrete
I will never be able to run from you
Even though we don't fit, we're two corner pieces
And they'll always start with us
And we'll always act as if we didn't know
I'm done darling
I can't lie about it anymore.
So I'm admitting it to myself
And cutting off my corner.
Mwah!

let's pretend

A teensy part of something i'm working on. eventually i'll put lots of life stages in it, i think. maybe.
love


"Let me pretend that you're my boyfriend
As long as you're in my bed, I can play with you in my head"
For as long as you're here
We've got more than one night, we've got forever.
This is our story

I'll ask you to move in with me on a Saturday night in august
I'll sing you a song about how much I love you and how much I want to share all of my life with you.
It will rhyme and describe you with affluent adjectives
You'll laugh, tell me how ridiculous I am, We'll fall to the ground kissing
You won't answer my question till the next morning
Because you had to think about it
You're damaged like that
I understand this, and you, being compelled by my overwhelming amount of understanding, will accept
Our first real fight will be over taking the dogs out
Your dog will constantly beat up my dog
Knowing it's not your fault, I'll bring it up anyway
I don't know why
:I'll leave angry
Clear my thoughts and come back
We'll say sorry
I'll cry and you'll tell me I'm the girl in the relationship
We wont have sex for…
Six hours

"Keep going," he said as he laid his hand on my chest
We'll have a wedding, swearing that it's not a wedding
Or a political statement
I'll dance with your mom
She'll threaten my life should I break your heart
And insist that she knows exactly how to dispose of my body
Then she'll have more Jose
Your sister will drink far too much
Forgetting her two screaming children and husband
While I hold her hair in the bathroom
She'll like me then

We're thinking of adopting someday
Probably a little Chinese girl
We'll name her after our mothers
A lesbian named SkyGrass or MoonTulip or something similar will be our surrogate
We'll move to a home with a front and back yard.
We'll fret over choosing an appropriate pre-school
We'll search out schools that claim to understand the 'body method'
We'll insist that our daughter is just as amazing in her own right as every child is
No less, no more
But then go on and on about her budding affinity for classical music

The first sleep over will be a nightmare
Her friends parents wont allow their daughter to spend the night in a gay men's house
She wont understand this
We wont know how to explain it
We'll call our parents to figure out how
And still won't be able to
We'll go on a Rosie Cruise from New York to Florida to show her how great gays are
A lesbian will inform us that she'll totally grow up to be a butch
We spend the rest of the cruise fighting about not putting her in enough pink when she was a baby

what it is to have want

I can't flow today
My muses gone
I can't seem to tell the stories in my head
They're there in memories and observations
But I can't put them down right
Or right enough for me

I have no technique
I don't know if this is writer's block
Or a lack of inspiration
Or lack of internet

Classes started two weeks ago and it feels really weird not going to school
Lots of people keep texting me
I forget that they don't know
I haven't made an official facebook announcement
Nate is feeling awkward about taking a semester off

I miss college sometimes
And then remember how much I hated it
And dread going back in January
I'll be an RN in a little over two years hopefully
I'll be getting' good money made
But I'm still hoping to work back into the "movement" soon

I can't explain how much of an impact it's had on me
It defined my growth for the past three years.
More than that, it defined my social networks
I regret that part the most I think
Too many broken hearts because of business driving pleasure

I had a good cry about it a while ago.
At the time, I felt that the root of my problem extended from the people I surrounded myself with
They weren't people of my nature.
I was wrong, because they were attracted to the flashing lights just like I was
We just had different ways of getting there
And tried to mix them together
With booze, hard music, and fast living
Christ we were fabulous

It wasn't really the people I associated with
It was more about the way in which I associated with them.
I shouldn't have been so quick to become so close
The task now is
How not to let that have a strong effect on my future relationships.
The question becomes how to do that
And the test will be if I can be hurt again

quick library update

This keyboard is really fucking loud.
like, it won't let me type softly

I miss this blog a lot, will be writing more soon.
lots of things to say.



Love,
me

Written on 4-20

You sing beautifully without opening your mouth
I feel that's best
because you can't sing.
I remember watching you on stage
calling out to each and every girl
letting them think they could have you
Knowing that it wasn't you
but your song that they wanted so much

I'm like the moon
I'm beautiful
Some people think I'm made of cheese
Some people believe there's a man in here

But like the moon
I only reflect light
I have none of my own to give
I draw on your energies to light myself up
you do light me up

But I've been living my life as a Star
I've been pretending
for too long now
that I can generate all my own light
That I can burn bright
Warming the faces of people that watch me from afar
but burning those that get too close to my atmosphere

I'm putting this in the most awkward of places
I know it's because I want people to read it
all my life I've only ever wanted to be seen

You saw me
and continue to shine your light on me
Some would argue that I illuminate many things
but I know it's because of you
and because of the people you have around you

They're not my friends
but they're nice to me
I'm pretty sure I annoy them
But because of you
they let me stay

Letting me be me is the sweetest thing you've done
and you did it unselfishly
I can't repay that
The mask I wear of my own choosing
is proving to be harder to take off
than i previously anticipated
but you promised me I could take it off

You reintroduced me to my favorite drug
You brought me music and kisses
and got everyone around you to think that I was special

As long as you'll let me orbit
I'll be your moon
Please don't let me run away
because I've never felt as alive as I do when I'm with you

Happy 420!

Let love rule!
Happy 4 20

You Must

Watch this!

Stand

I stand before the world naked
constantly revealing who I am
unable to fade away
because my feet are rooted
I stand
having chosen to brand myself
The talisman sits on my right arm
reminding me what I'm here for
I stand
having given countless hours
having bled, cried, and slept
in the arms of my identity
I stand
exposed and unable to blend in with you
you remind me everyday
of how I am different
I stand
exposed and raw
ready to tell you all about me
though I know nothing of you
I stand
true to myself
with honesty and dreams
I stand
in a spot that I did not choose
rather that selected me
for reasons I am not fortunate enough to know
I stand
a beacon of light
absorbing the endless darkness
illuminating the sea around me so that others may travel safely
shining on as they did before me
I stand
because it's my turn
my responsibility
to make a better tomorrow
I stand
but not alone
all around me are exposed
standing before the world naked
telling stories they shouldn't have to

Thank You

Thank You:
for laughter
for tears
for the truth that relieves us
for questions without answers
for answers that need no questions
For love
for my body and the pleasure and pain that it gives me, though i constantly doubt it
For the man that always argues with me
for the angels that watch me when i travel
for peace
for old women
for the young girls that I pray get the chance to become old women
For music
for melody and harmony without which there would be no
for dance
for the ability to move myself at will, on my own terms
for the eyes to be grateful for that
For all the women who have acted as my mother
for the luck of being born to people who were able to take care of me
for being blessed and having that be more than two people
for the strength, courage, wisdom, and heart that my mother gave me
without which I would not exist
for the anger, passion, hunger, and will that my father gave me
without which I would not be where I am today

Today's Genius

To Barack anad Hillary:

1. I am not entirely thrilled with either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. I wouldn't choose either of them to be my President, if i had the real choice.
2. Because they are the two front runners. Because people are divided among them.

I want both
I don't want to have to choose between experience and change
I want change with the wisdom of experience behind it
I want to respect the office of the President again

3. Because I cannot watch the "Yes We Can" video without crying
4. Because the idea of an intelligent, strong, caring, force of a Woman in office thrills me.

I want Hillary to remind Barack that he has to fill his promises before he makes them. He has to outline real plans.
I want Barack to remind Hillary that sometimes you have to finesse the people
I want Hillary to get us out of Iraq
I want Barack to fix our towns
I want Hillary to make us healthy
I want Barack to remind people that it takes great strength to dream

5. Yes we can, on day one.

And he slid off the couch

Babe,
If i had the balls
I'd say yes.
I'd calm down,
trust in you
lay myself down for you

And thats where we run into trouble
I have no problem laying myself down for you
giving myself to you for a time
But i can't give myself completely
I still hold on to a lot of myself
And i can't change that now

You're justly accusing
in your loud statements
I am emotionally hidden
I do talk to much
I should see you for what you are
I should let you in

Baby,
You held my head when it hurt
You sat with me all day and watched bad tv because i couldn't go out
Rocked me to sleep at night
Told me I could do anything
listened to me
You didn't call me crazy

Meaning so much to me
has made me unable to
go for the moon with you
I don't want you to leave my bed
But i want you out of my head

having shot down so many others
and having looked back
i can speak for certain
of these services I lack

I told you these
and you began to cry
You fell to the floor
and reached for a cigarette

Unable to form words
i stared at you
you tried to wrench emotion from my chest
pulled me to the floor with you

After kissing me
you ask me
"how can you be so composed
When your so torn apart? You don't know shit
you fight for so many to have love
but don't have it yourself"

Again, you hand me my moxie
in your hand
lies i've told
truths i'll never know

Your hands are always clammy
they hold your scent
it's tainted with cigarettes now
but i can still smell you

so because i know you read everything i write
I'll say to you on the page
what i can't say to your face
I love you
the way you're always right
and how you never let me win,
but you're always on my side.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

10. Sweet Sweet Baby-Macy Gray
9. Self Conclusion-Spill Canvas
8. Like the way I do-Melissa Etheridge
7. Turpentine- Brandi Carlile
6. Blackbird- The Beatles
5. Maria- Blondie
4. Ready for Love- Inda.Arie
3. Half Boyfriend-Jay Brannan
2. Stay with me- Bette Midler
1. The Sound of White- Missy Higgins

Sometimes
What you say you want
and what you need
are the farthest places apart
I'm sorry I didn't give you my heart

Talkin' bout a revolution

I surrender all

Do they not see my legs
strong legs that rap around my lover in the middle of the night
legs that carry my fat ass
all day long
legs that my man loves
legs that i have danced on until dawn
legs that were not fast enough to carry me away
when i was scared and alone

Or Do they not see my arms
Strong arms that built a house
safe arms where so many have cried
holding arms
where three have died

Do they not see my face
maybe they're confused by my chins
masking a voice that sang my people to sleep
that woke people up
lips that have formed words
that have cultivated the future
and resurrected the past
eyes that have wept
a mind that never rests

Or do they not see my heart
masked by emotions i couldn't express
torn in half
sewn back together
so many times
a battered, bruised, beaten thing
that never gives up
that even in the face of the extreme
beats on

Or do they not see my stomach
Where the finest foods that i could create
were shared with those that i love
Or do they not see my chest
where children have slept
where lovers have held on to me
A strong mass of tissue that is never cold

Or do they not see my shoulders
The broad shoulders of my people
that have carried so many burdens
shoulders the women who raised me taught me
were strong enough to carry anything

no, they don't see these things
they see fat
but it's not their fault
they've been trained
to worship those skinny ass bitches
bones stickin' out every which way

Skinny bitches who can't take Jack, Jimmy, or Johnny
These skinny bitches with their carbs and their clothes
who worship at the thrown of superficiality
and can't seem to understand it when
there man trades them in
for a skinnier, prettier model

Maybe if they spent a little less time
worrying about the size of their
legs, arms, face, chest, stomach, and shoulders
stressing about whether or not they're fully loaded
and how fast they can go from 0 to 60
they wouldn't be traded in like cars

Cuz my man knows
even though the chassy may be fat
the motor underneath this hood
runs on only the finest of fuels.

An Open Letter

Jesus Christ
was a liber-all
he never dreamed his words
would be taken by the balls
and used for hate
to instigate
the fear in men
who unlike him
have an agenda to push
a world to spin

He didn't haul
Matthew, Mark
Luke, and John around the country side
so you could criticize
see the love you make
is the love you take
and with hate in your heart,
Dude, for Heaven's sake

Change your tune
switch up your routine
I'm tryin' to educate you
do you know what I mean?
don't scream the hate
just spread the joy
you have to see that religion is not a toy

God's in the people
God is love
I'm spittin' these words
from up above

I know when you arrive at the pearly gates
you'll be forgiven
cuz "God Hates Fags"
Is just sinnin'

we got the right to be here
cuz we're all heaven sent
if JC comes back down he'd say:
"Thats not what I fucking meant"
He'll say:
"Spread the hope the love the peace
end these wars in the middle east
You're all the chosen ones
you've all got the light"
just look inside and you'll see that i'm right

So to you old man
I gotsta say one thing
no god of mine
would speak words that sting

Gotta wrap this up
It's gettin way too long
I leave you now with this lil song:

"Love knows
No gender
No race
No age
Long after you're gone
I'll be singin' my praise"