Dear Mommy dearest

please quit trying to repair this broken relationship between me and dad. It's not going to get better, and you have got to quit trying to be the buffer between us. I've watched him for 23 years, and he is not going to change. To improve this for myself, which is the only way to make it better, i have to change. He had drawn his line in the sand, and i'm standing on the other side of it. I know that irrespective of what i say, he's going to label it melo-dramatic and just another way that i'm trying to create problems. Reducing other peoples emotions is the only way he can process them. If he does not experience and feel something right at the same moment you do, it doesn't exist. He's really quite simple. (Yes i know that was a cunty comment intended to get his goat. Remember though, I know where he ties it up.)

I was not the perfect child in any way, I am at fault for many things in my years, and i attribute these now to learning and growing pains. Though i wasn't always the best child to rear, i did not deserve to be beaten daily. I didn't deserve to be verbally abused and emotionally torn apart from as far back as i can remember. I wasn't that bad, annoying and awkward, sure!

I don't remember not having adult thoughts. I don't remember not being terrified of when he would come home. I don't remember playing because i was busy trying to keep john and aaron from pissing him off. I remember the day he busted your lip open. I remember the day he threw john against the wall. I remember every criticism he ever threw at me and the rage and hate in his eyes when he said them. I remember the day he beat you and went off in handcuffs. And the day he came back to the house.

When he took my car from me at work and left this junker, he said, "this is the last thing i'm ever doing for you." "At some point you have to grow up and stop causing drama for everyone. We're tired of it, we're tired of you." I know he doesn't speak for anyone but himself, and only speaks through his perceived reality. But I'm done.

So much of who I am today, the good and the bad, was formed upon this traumatic child hood. I've come to learn that everyone hates their parents. Thats why we invented nursing homes. Nobody had it easy, and anyone who says they did is lying. That doesn't take away from personal experience, however, and mine's been real fun.

As I said, with his actions over the past 23 years he had drawn his line in the sand. I've just had it. I'm done dealing with it. I'm going to move on.