Re-thinking what i once said

Endings have always been hard for me. I cried at the finale of Roseanne, when she was discussing how she wrote the whole thing the way she wanted it to pan out. How she tweaked the stories and maneuvered the words to best fit her vision of her world. She explained, I cried.

That weird feeling in the pit of my stomach is coming back, strong. Full on, both barrels, loud and scary. It's almost like it's telling me "This is the end, why aren't you crying?" And I think I'm not crying because I'm not sad.

When I came to this University, I made some friendships that I thought would last a lifetime. I made friendships that I thought would get me through 4+ years in Academia. I was oh so wrong about this. I think that's part of the growing up process. My only frustration with this comes from being so young, even as I think I'm growing. There is still so much I have to learn about this world.

I gave a lot of love to a lot of people, foolishly, and equally, within my naivete, expected that love back. I'm not saying I need to be cold and callous, that's not even possible for me. I just mean that I need to protect my heart a little bit more. Not throw so much of me out there, hoping that it would come back to me.

It's not like I don't have those people in my life. I certainly do, and am very thankful that I have them! I have people here to go out with, people to say "hey" to on campus; and of course there's the Alliance, which is an entirely different interpersonal dynamic. I've really noticed all of this in my phone calls/text messages. The only messages I get from people here are asking me for info, or a meeting. None saying "hey, how ya doin?" or "Be 'here' at 9" No yellow. I need yellow. (Yellow is a Rosie thing, I'll explain later)

Last weekend, myself, and several of my friends, and a few new folks, went to Harper's Ferry for a weekend retreat. It felt amazing. It was one of the most freeing experiences! I realized how much of myself I was holding off on due to this new realization. I was around people who loved me as much, if not more, than I loved them, and it felt good.

So, perhaps the real realization here is not that I need to watch how I act, but rather, how I expect others to react to me. That's more like it :)